At the end of the year, I went back to my hometown.
My parents are still the same, mean-mouthed to each other, but I no longer have the mentality of a peacemaker to appease them.
After a meal, I said goodbye to them easily.
The original family, family conflicts, psychological trauma, almost no one can escape, and I am the same.
I grew up in a small village in Liaoning.
At that time, the material conditions were very poor, and I went to study in other places wearing my father's military coat and bringing a large jar of pickles pickled by my mother. They only give me 200 yuan a month, but I can't spend it all.
Looking back, they always had tears in the corners of their eyes, regretting that they did not provide me with rich material conditions.
But I know deep down that despite material scarcity, my parents have given me the best they can.
What kept me going was the way they treated each other – the accusations, the abuse, the weirdness.
Parents with a low level of education will only express their dissatisfaction in the most straightforward way whenever they have a disagreement.
For example, when my mother's food was a little salty, my father would mumble, "I'm afraid I'll die of illness too late."
For another example, when my father was a little irritable because of work, my mother would say unceremoniously: "I know that I have a dead face all day long, and I am horizontal in my nest." ”
This is still a trivial matter, sometimes they will smash the bowl and smash the bowl, and the action of "smashing the pot and smashing the bowl" will ignite the thunder point of "economic embarrassment", making them escalate and quarrel again.
For a long time, I would be on the way out of school with a lot of speculations:
Did anything happen in the house today?
Will they be arguing again?
What will they say to each other?
Thinking of all the embarrassing scenes, I really didn't want to go home.
But if they don't go home, will they blame each other for worrying?Will they do it to each other?
Stuck in a series of question marks, I was always easily frightened, overreacted to many things, and didn't pay attention enough to study.
I've even thought about the worst-
They seem to be ready to divorce each other at any time, and if they do, who should I go with?
Will they turn against each other?Do I need to stand against each other?
I never mentioned my worries and fears to my parents.
These indigestible confusions and pains condensed into dead bonds in my heart, and became a burden that I could not get rid of.
As I grew older, I moved farther and farther away from my former home, and the effects of their quarrels seemed to fade.
But I always have strange feelings about intimacy :
I crave the closeness of others, and I can feel the love in my heart;But I will faintly resist getting along with the other person, and I don't want to be mean but suddenly mean.
My boyfriend at the time (and later my husband) also teased that when he was with me, he would "get hot and cold, and love to catch a cold".
Time moves forward quickly, my parents are arguing about getting old, and my husband and I have been "married" for ten years.
Once chatting with my son, I took the opportunity to ask him, "Do you think Mom and Dad have quarreled?"”
He immediately replied: "I've quarreled, you've quarreled many times." ”
I was stunned ......In fact, out of boredom with my parents' marriage, I don't like to quarrel very much, and my husband has grown up in a loving family with a gentle and tolerant personality.
It seems to me that we have been married for more than ten years and there have been almost no fierce quarrels, not even ordinary arguments.
But the child earnestly added:
"Mom, sometimes your face is so gloomy that it drips, and sometimes you're talking loudly. ”When the child said this, in addition to the little resistance to getting along with my lover that I hid in my heart, I can only think of one reason - what adults think is a normal argument in the child's world is a quarrel. Because in a child's world, parents are the sky, and they are much more sensitive to this space than adults, because it is about their safety and even life and death.
So when parents are a little louder, they become wary of the possibility that the world may collapse, and I am all too familiar with this feeling!
At that time, I ignored my own intimacy and just thought: everyone wants their "sky" to be cloudless, so is it possible to rescue my parents from the sea of suffering?
With the mentality of rescuing my parents, I came to Hailan Happy Home to learn and grow.
My thought was: both of them are so old, they are still arguing every day, they can't be stable all day long, their lives are too miserable, I have to help them. They are in a better mood, and I suffer less.
In the first month of study, I knew that my goal was wrong, I had no way to change my parents, I could only live my own life and then influence my parents.
To be honest, I'm a little disappointed, what's wrong with me, I'm fine, I just want to improve the relationship between my parents.
When I gave my question to my companion, he said, "Honey, why are you so attached to your parents' relationship?"”
My parents' unhappy marriage affected my marriage. The answer popped into my head.
Although my marriage is not bad, subconsciously I always feel that at some point it will happen, and we will all tear open the shell of the current one and start replicating the dispute between our parents.
When I got married, I felt that the birth of a child was the starting point of our "rebellion";Later, I felt that our children's going to school was at the heart of our arguments.
I didn't dare to open my heart completely to my lover, as if I had opened it and handed him a knife and a handle so that he could attack me during a quarrel.
It turns out that this is the real reason why I came - I used to be afraid of being the center of the quarrel, and now I am afraid of being the one who makes the quarrel.
Sure enough, I was the source of everything.
In the group peer exercises, I also look back at my past over and over again:
Why do I see "me" as so dangerous?
I have always felt that I am responsible for the discord between my parents, and I have the impression that several violent quarrels were because of me.
So I studied hard and took care of the housework within my ability, hoping to exchange my sensibility for their favor.
As an adult, I believe that I should use my vision and knowledge to guide them to express themselves well in marriage.
But I always couldn't find a way, and I always failed.
So, I subconsciously thought that sooner or later my marriage would be like this.
I saw the "fearful" part of myself, and this part also wanted me to live well and not be held back by my past life.
Sure enough, every part of the inner body came to love me.
After studying part psychology, I looked at the fearful part, the angry part, the over-committed part again and again, and they were heartbroken and exhausted for my happiness.
When I saw the true intentions of these parts, I was really touched and thanked them from the bottom of my heart.
At that time, I really realized: what isTrue acceptance
As my studies progressed, I stopped revolving around my parents' relationships and focused on my own growth.
Peer educationIt made me see the other side of things: maybe I've been exaggerating the contradictions of my parents, like a child who treats an argument as an argument.
And my memory only stores the "most tragic" battle, and the ridicule, care and concern between them are eliminated.
If so, the best thing I should do is not to help them rebuild their relationship, but to build a more holistic inner order from a different perspective.
When my perspectives diversified, I looked at my past life, and I had the feeling of standing on the top of a mountain and overlooking it, and I had a more comprehensive understanding.
It's not easy for parents to have parents, and there is also their way of getting along, it's me who thinks about it, and it's because I don't see the truth of the matter.
They have been together for decades, have children together, and their relationship foundation is much deeper than I imagined.
They have always regarded each other as the most important member of their lives, and being noisy is also a part of life, so I don't have to be so nervous.
In my own marriage, my lover and I are a little noisy, and I don't have to be too nervous, this is the spice of life.
Before my studies, I always felt that I had an unhappy family of origin.
Although, I will also be filial to my parents, but extremely deliberately.
For example, I would buy a gift for my dad and say my mom bought it
will help my mother work, saying that my father gave it.
While they are useful, white lies are also lies.
Now, I completely reduce these behaviors to "my daughter wants to do something for her parents".
I no longer feel bad about "I did a lot and they didn't appreciate it and didn't change".
On the contrary, because of my company, there are new topics between them - comparing who is with each other's daughters, but no longer only focusing on each other's shortcomings, and I am happy for this small achievement.
There are still times when parents quarrel.
But I reminded myself: don't be upset, honey, listen to what they each want to express?
I put a stop to the idea that I would lead them to express themselves "correctly" and reassure myself that everyone has their own problems, and that I would give them back the way they get along.
The most important thing is: I want to live my life well, what kind of family do I want to create?
In my little home, I set a rule for my husband and me:
One day a week, the children must be sent to the in-law's house, and the two of them will cook some small dishes and drink some wine, and talk about life and work.
This agreement seems to have nothing to do with "quarrels", but it really creates conditions for our communication.
I talked to him about my worries and fears about my parents' relationship, about the reservations in my marriage over the years, about my "hot and cold", about my children's concerns about our arguments.
The full and efficient communication made both of us feel that such a marriage is very promising.
Together, we found a very interesting way to practice - to have a family debate, and every time the argument exceeds three sentences, it is "** we each have our own opinions, the child is the referee, and the swear words and loud words will be given a "yellow card warning".
After implementing it slowly, the child is full of security and will no longer be anxious about our arguments.
And sometimes we are in our mother's house"** gave the bickering old couple a lot of freshness, and they clamored for their grandson to be their referee......
After living for forty years, I learned that my children would lose to their parents.
In the past, I felt that it was this kind of "defeat" - I couldn't escape the mode of getting along with my original family, and I was trapped and disturbed with the hard wounds of communication.
Now I feel that it is this kind of "failure" - no longer forcibly put them into the mold I expect, but let them get along with each other freely, slowly experience and feel from my behavior, and find their answers from repeated running-in.
Are my current parents the perfect they are what I was expecting, they must not be.
Compared to my "conditions", there are still a lot of language shells in their lives.
But compared to their expectations, it may be like this, slowly getting along, slowly approaching happiness.