In-depth Conversations with Children" by Rebecca Loren, translated by Tan Xinmu and Wang Lei, published by Shanghai Academy of Social Sciences Press.
It has been scientifically proven that if parents and children can have frequent and deep conversations, they can make children more independent, confident and happier. However, in reality, it is more common for parent-child conversations to be occupied by trivial matters, and communication between parents and children is full of obstacles, full of tension, and often accompanied by misunderstandings and conflicts.
As a lecturer at Harvard University, a speech-language pathologist, and a mother, Rebecca Rowland believes that a parent's language has the power to shape a child's personality and future; From toddlers to teenagers who can speak their minds freely, every in-depth communication between parents and children is greatly expanding children's cognition and ability.
In this book, Roland provides parents with the tools to have in-depth conversations with their children, helping them to have effective and rich conversations with their children in seven areas: curiosity, empathy, self-confidence, and social skills. Drawing on real-life cases and the latest scientific research, she shows parents what it means to have a deep conversation and how to do it, so as to help children build the character and abilities they need to grow.
Selected Readings: Preface (excerpt).
When was the last time you had a great conversation with your child? By wonderful conversations, I don't mean philosophical discussions, but exchanges that fascinate or amaze you, leaving you with doubts and curious conversations. A good conversation means helping you get to know each other better, become more intimate, or resolve differences of opinion. A great conversation means that both parties are fully engaged, enjoying the interaction and absorbing each other's ideas and perspectives. A good conversation means that it makes you laugh, or that even if the conversation is bland and easy to forget, it is then reminded by the child and the child says that he or she has learned or gained insight from the conversation. A good conversation can also mean that you relax and enjoy each other's wordless company.
By good conversation, I also mean that you don't talk about unfinished homework, clothes littered on the floor, school and sports arrangements for the next day, who's going to pick up whom, or any other day-to-day logistical details.
If you can recall a great conversation, try to think of more. Keep these conversation details in mind. How long has it been since the last great conversation? How often does a great conversation happen compared to a normal everyday conversation?
Don't be upset if you're having trouble doing this recall exercise. You're not the only one who can't remember.
As a researcher, lecturer, and mother, I have come to realize how powerful deep conversations are for raising children who thrive and succeed. I realized that we can start this conversation early in our interactions with babies. What's more, as I've seen in my clinical work and conversations with parents, deep conversations are at your fingertips. It's readily available, and you don't need any advanced degrees, training, or tools to use it effectively. All it takes is a little bit of thought, a few key habits, and a short period of time.
Why does conversation make such a big difference? This is because words are more than just dictionary entries. It would be extremely tedious if the conversation was just about labeling people or things. If one person says "blue door" and you answer "open the window", then you will never have a conversation. Neither will the kids. Even for young children, many of the words used early ("hi", "goodbye", "please") are about interpersonal relationships. My colleague at Harvard, renowned linguist Catherine **, proposed that vocabulary is concepts, thoughts, and feelings, and that children are able to engage with the world and connect with people. The more positive your child is, the more feedback they will receive and the richer their toolbox will be.
The benefits of putting things into words go far beyond mastering vocabulary. Children verbally explain their learning strategies, are better at solving problems and show more self-confidence. Discussing and identifying emotions helps children show more empathy. Children who speak out about their emotional stress are better able to use their skills to cope with stress. And those who have learned to describe themselves from multiple perspectives (e.g., as brothers, friends, and baseball players) can show more creativity. Deep conversations can lead to greater well-being. College students who have more in-depth conversations tend to be happier than those who do so less. At the same time, the conversation is a two-way street. This has to do with both the content of the conversation that the children hear and the way they talk and how they participate.
Attentive conversation is an important avenue and an innate need. From infancy, children crave communication almost as much as they crave food. Even 6-week-old babies have a back-and-forth communication, and when we speak, they respond with their eyes. These conversations, which take place before we speak, help children notice our feelings and perceive whether the outside world is safe or dangerous. Subconsciously, the child is matching our emotions. When interacting with babies, our heart rates are even synchronized.
Conversely, children who lack quality conversation will be negatively affected. As a result of broken or damaged communication chains, children struggle to make connections, sometimes even the most basic. If isolated, they may become lonely and further compromise the development of language skills in such a vicious cycle. But even a normally developing child does not have such a perfect language journey. All children encounter a myriad of subtle and significant communication barriers on their way to acquiring strong language skills. They all need to work on their "language muscles" on a regular basis to hone their listening skills. For them, and for us as parents, conversation is the key to communication.
Author: Text: [Beauty] Rebecca Loren Editor: Yuan Lulu Responsible Editor: Zhu Zifen.