A hot topic on Zhihu is: "What is the most troublesome problem in the process of children's growth?" ”
As soon as this topic was raised, it immediately aroused heated discussions among many netizens, who expressed their opinions:
Repeatedly instilling the truth in the child, the child can still listen to it at first, but as time goes by, every time he reasons, it is like playing the piano to a cow;
As soon as I go out, I want to buy all kinds of toys, even if I persuade them, the child not only does not listen, but also rolls on the ground in public;
Children always feel that their parents are like "Tang Seng" and are deaf to our words......
Many parents encounter situations where their children are confrontational.
Parents spend a lot of words and indoctrination with their hearts, but they only get rejection from their children, and even make their children more and more distant from themselves.
In fact, the biggest challenge in educating children is not that children are not talented, but that parents are too partial to "preaching".
Overemphasizing rational preaching and over-indoctrination will only put parents and children in opposing positions and make children feel bored.
Savvy parents understand that pure truth is the best way to guide their children in a better direction.
*: Visual China.
Teaching children is often the most unworkable method of education. ** The writer Leo Tolstoy once said: "Raising children is even an old hen, but teaching children well is an art." ”
Although every parent expects their children to be successful, when it comes to educating their children, many parents often choose the less suitable way. Some parents always take the trouble to instill all kinds of truths in their children, expecting them to behave according to the standards of the world.
However, the family should be a place of love, not a place of rational reasoning. Reasoning with children is often the most ineffective way of education.
In the book "Kids: The Challenge", there is the story of a young boy, Brian. He was eight years old, mischievous, and often used toys to aim at the windows of his neighbors' houses. His mother repeatedly told him not to take aim elsewhere, but Brian didn't seem to really get it. Eventually, he accidentally injured his eye by a ** bullet while shooting the bottle.
Sometimes, lengthy parental preaching is meaningless to children and is not effective in stopping their risky behaviors. And while parents are immersed in giving their children a long speech, they often ignore their children's feelings and experiences.
Huang Shengyi shared his education experience in a parent-child variety show. Faced with her son Andy's resistance to learning English, she did not choose to persuade with words, but took her son to experience first-hand communication with foreigners. When Andy found that he couldn't communicate in English, he took the initiative to learn the language.
Wu Zhihong, a psychological counselor, pointed out: "For children, actions are often more powerful and impressive than words. Therefore, parents should focus more on actions rather than excessive rhetoric when educating their children.
Reasoning with your child may be the least wise option because it is easier for your child to understand things through personal experience. A good family education should allow parents to grasp the balance, stop excessive preaching, and guide children to understand the truth with practical actions.
*: Visual China.
Constant indoctrination in children may actually be a form of verbal violence against them. Piaget, a well-known educator, pointed out that children are mainly controlled by the right brain before the age of three, so they pay more attention to perceptual experience and have a limited understanding of the truth. At this stage, the child is more focused on releasing emotions and satisfying needs.
For young children, the brain is not yet fully developed, and endless preaching may not be understood. Constant nagging and moral preaching can amount to a kind of verbal "violence" against them. Parents sometimes only see the wrong side of their children and ignore their journey through the world. Overemphasizing the truth can lead to children becoming timid and timid.
In the family drama "Little Shede", Mi Tao is a typical example. She tried to be well-behaved and sensible in difficult situations, but she was affected by her parents' repeated admonitions to "be obedient and sensible". This homeschooling led to low self-esteem and self-pressure, which eventually led to depression and dropping out of school.
Psychologist Marshall pointed out that when language ignores the feelings and needs of the other person, or even hurts each other, language becomes a form of violence and hits the other person's heart. Qian Xuesen's eldest son, Qian Yonggang, shared his father's education method and emphasized the importance of teaching by example.
Therefore, education should not only be preachy, but also experienced by example. Excessive parental preaching can cause psychological stress to children and damage their self-esteem and self-confidence. Respecting and identifying with your child, rather than overemphasizing it, can motivate them to become better.
Exceptional parents often appear to be "irrational", and psychological research points out that "the distance between rational speech and understanding speech can be considerable." Whether a person is able to accept the views of others depends first on emotions, then on the behavior of the other person, and finally on the words of the other person. ”
High-level parents know that education is not only about indoctrination and preaching, but also about guidance, demonstration and companionship. They know that companionship is the most effective way to educate, not just to guide the child, but to face problems with the child. When a child makes a mistake, they do not rush to criticize and blame, but give the child time and space to reflect.
This kind of education model allows children not only to feel the love and support of their parents, but also to learn and grow in practice. Conversely, low-level parents who focus only on "rational" preaching often end up with little success. The more outstanding the parents, the less rigid they are, and the more they set a benchmark for their children through physical behavior, guiding them to the right path.
Let your child experience it, not just understand it.
In To Kill a Mockingbird, there is a famous quote: "You can never really understand a person unless you put yourself in their shoes." "In education, parents should not be perfunctory, but really understand the child's heart. The simple "rational" theory teaches children to passively accept, and by letting children experience and feel the truth, the significance of education will be more far-reaching.
Use less "no", praise more, and tactful persuasion instead of harsh preaching.
There is a famous saying: "Every child has excellent potential, just because of the different daily education of parents, children are given a different life." "No matter what a child says or does, there is an expression of his or her emotions and needs. Focusing too much on specific behaviors can ignore the child's true emotions. Parents need to understand that complaining and blaming cannot teach sensible children, and only love and respect can promote children's growth. In the face of their children's inappropriate behavior, parents do not rush to criticism, but look at it calmly, and through more praise, let the child gain confidence and face life positively.
Leading by example, parental example is the key to education.
Teacher Zheng Yuanjie, the king of fairy tales, said: "When educating children, you should close your mouth, lift your legs, walk your life path, and demonstrate to children." "Parents are the best role models for their children, and they must be what kind of people they want their children to become. A diligent, honest, and caring parent will raise children with the same qualities. In order for children to truly understand how to do things, parents need to guide them with practical actions. If parents fail to set a good example for their children, no matter how much they say, it will be in vain.
Excerpted from Visual China's article, a sentence from "Positive Discipline" profoundly points out: "Only when a child feels better, can he do better." "Parenting is a fulfilling and challenging mission.
Almost all parents are thinking about their children's future, however, not every child can thrive as their parents expect. Even those that are profound, well-spoken often don't work.
Educating children is a journey of continuous practice, and parents need to keep learning, exploring and putting it into practice. Only by doing our best to help children improve themselves can we become their careful guides on the road of life.