Text: 360-degree psychology understands love and understands you better.
Hello Teacher!
Sir, you are gentle and kind in your bones, so you can research, write, and extradite men in such a gray field.
Others have recommended you before, but I am not moved, thinking that it is nothing more than standing on the moral high ground to preach and condemn, those words have been said more to myself, and I have not solved any problems except adding to the blockage to make myself more painful and torn. On that day, I was at a low point of emotion and was close to collapse, and when I saw an article by Mr., I immediately paid attention to it, read all the articles, and found that I had entered a new world.
Whenever I attack myself and feel sad and can't help myself, I will study over and over again, and my mood will improve, and I can at least jump out to see myself.
I, in the year of knowing the destiny of heaven, an ordinary person, a bank civil servant, with an ordinary appearance, but a good family background, education, work, and friends, a cheerful personality, humor, kindness and enthusiasm, but in fact, I am cowardly and confused, inferior and have no opinions.
When I was a child, my tutor was very strict and stupid, and I didn't have mature ideas about marriage and myself, and my premarital sexual knowledge was so poor that I didn't know that men would get an erection. When I was in graduate school, there were boys who liked me and I liked others, but they were both one-sided and didn't have any physical contact, including holding hands.
The husband is a ** civil servant, he is a phoenix man, his family background is average, he is admitted to college by himself, he is hard-working and hard-working, his family's education and work are not bad, we are programmed to go on a blind date together, and he is very novel but not happy about everything, but his parents said that he has a good job and people, and he broke up three times and finally got married under the pressure of his parents.
The reason I gave myself at the time was: I have been friends with him for a year, he is very old, and not getting married is delaying him, but I didn't expect that I would delay myself? The night before the marriage was registered, I cried and said I didn't want to get married, maybe I knew by instinct that I had made a wrong choice. From then on, twenty-three years of torture began.
Speaking from the heart, neither of us is a bad person, it's just that I am cowardly and unassertive, he will not be adjusted, he is irritable, narrow-minded, domestic violence, and swearing, which makes me cry and despair all the time, and the occasional warmth and calm make this marriage last, and my parents help me financially to make my small family live a well-off life.
In the middle, I went out to rent a house and separated a few times, worried that my son was worried that his parents were mainly cowardly, so my child graduated from junior high school. From the day my son was admitted to high school, I vowed to leave when my child finished the college entrance examination, and I prepared in this way, gathering strength for three years, lawyers, houses, clothes, savings, parents, and children's ideological work.
On the evening of sending our children to college together, I officially began to file for separation and divorce. He threatened to plead and promise to find a helper, and the divorce agreement was changed again and again, but my heart was very firm. The last time I had a discussion with my lawyer friend, I said that if it doesn't work, it will be a success, and no matter what the outcome is, I must have a result. Either he changes and it is what I want, or he breaks up and ends my suffering.
During the Chinese New Year, my son and grandmother came to my house, and my grandmother was a very good old man who always really loved me. I didn't want to make the old man sad, so I came back to stay at home with them, bathed her, cut her nails, bought clothes and talked to her, I wanted to wait for her to return to her hometown, and then I would continue my divorce plan. In the process, the husband who has always been hard-mouthed has changed significantly, an old man, a young man, a dog and me, this year is really called family fun.
The old man returned to his hometown, and I reconciled with him in this way, and even held hands when I slept at night. He has really changed a lot, and with the pros and cons and some situations outside of marriage, the divorce I have been planning for so long has also had a result. I became strong and wise, and he became compromised and soft.
I didn't leave, and everyone was happy, including me. But I didn't get a divorce this time because I felt very comfortable in my marriage. As long as I am uncomfortable, I will no longer be submissive, and I think I still have the courage and strength to leave.
Two flowers bloom, let's talk about my other him, he is nine years younger than me, he is my colleague. When I first met, he had just graduated from college and was assigned to my unit, and his appearance was handsome and sunny like the boy I liked in high school, which made my heart begin to panic.
We are a department, we often have dinner together, we gradually get closer, he takes good care of me very warmly, I also treat each other as friends, but my heartbeat knows how I am obsessed with his amorous eyes and bright smile. I resisted this heartbeat of myself, contradicted and blamed myself to avoid coldness, but I walked towards him again and again, smiling, flowers blooming, this is my love, this is him, I know I love him.
Countless ambiguous glances, kisses on the street, I was in pain and happy. The first time was after drinking, he was very scumbag and asked me for it regardless of it, and afterwards I was in pain and cried countless nightmares and even self-harm, and we broke off for a while, whether it smelled like each other or attracted magnetic fields, and when we met again, we still had crazy feelings.
Gradually, I saw his shortcomings, but I just didn't care. Knowing in my heart that we couldn't do it, I also ruthlessly introduced him to a girlfriend. I don't know what he really thinks, I just love him in the name of a friend. Later, he went on a blind date and got married in a flash. It wasn't until I attended his wedding ceremony that I sadly put an end to my love.
But every time I see him at a party, I try to pretend to be cold and not let myself have an affair with him again, but he calls ** or sends messages on Valentine's Day after drinking, sometimes he doesn't say anything, just a word, I don't reply, delete the shutdown, and then write down my weakness and sadness on Weibo. I was desperate to commit suicide several times in my marriage, and this ambiguity made me know from time to time that I still longed: I want such a person, a warm home, and love each other.
Four years ago, at a friend's birthday party, there was only the two of us in the KTV private room for a while, I stood up to leave, he grabbed me and kissed me, I was frightened, but I was drunk again in his arms and didn't know the way back. The mood is the same as before, contradictory, self-blame, pain, jealousy, refusal to entangle, scared, afraid but happy, like heaven, he is too enthusiastic, I am worried, he is a little cold, I cry by myself, I am determined to break off the relationship, but he just begs to be coquettish** text message to see him, I will surrender the gun. I care about him, miss him, borrow money, and don't say a word.
Once, in the middle of the night, he drank too much and sent me a message saying that he couldn't find his way out of his drunk driver's seat, and I didn't care that the family would quarrel and fight because of it, so I immediately drove to pick him up.
This is this person, he weighs too much in my heart, even though I know that he has too many shortcomings, I still want to love him with all my might. Last year, at the height of my emotions, I thought I was pregnant, it must be his, I really wanted to give birth, I had a child with him, he was acting cowardly and selfish, but I was ready to do everything to raise the child by myself. It's a good thing that I didn't get pregnant.
From time to time, I have asked him, can you marry me? His answer was all negative, although he said that he would have been good if he had been born a few years earlier, and said that his twin daughter and the old man had excuses, in fact, he should not have loved so much, and he coaxed both sides to enjoy the blessings of Qi people.
He bought me gifts, gave me money, accompanied my parents to see a doctor, I called him casually if I had something, he said that I was his spiritual support, he said that he was irritable after a few days of not seeing him, he said that he and his wife couldn't get up. Every time we go on a date, he must be soft and hard, which makes me suspect that he treats me as a friend, but we have traveled together for twelve hours and done it three times, and we are passionate and hearty every time we are together, I am ugly and old and he is full of fun, which shows that he also has feelings for me in his heart.
If I get divorced, he and I will definitely break up. Either I'm going to have a crazy breakdown and sabotage his marriage, or we're going to have to break it off completely, and I don't want to.
So, I'm not getting divorced.
Let everything take its course, if you can't break it, you will continue, waiting for the day when he gets tired of it. Now, I enjoy the warmth and attachment he gives me, until he or time takes away my love, until I no longer crave love.
Today he said that he accurately felt what happened to me and my husband last night. I'm sad and don't want him to be unhappy, but I'm also helpless: you are a dream that I can't get in my life, I can't afford to let go of it, what can I do?!
Half a bumpy life, stop despising my greed, I already despise myself too much, but I won't let go easily, this is God's compensation for me, I am willing to bear the consequences. Everyone in the story is not so perfect and not so despicable. If possible, I would still like to have one person in my life, and the white head will not be separated. Tears run.
My reply: A lot of marriages can be just like that, and then finally compromise and move on. Although you plan well and all your forces are ready, you just want to end this marriage, but as long as the other party does not say that you have made a big mistake, or you still have some habits for this person, you will slowly compromise.
After all, ending a marriage is equivalent to ending many social relationships, and it takes a long time for individuals and the family behind them to adapt, and the older they are, the more they are involved, and the longer they need to adapt.
Because the things involved in our marriage are not so little, so you have accumulated all your strength, and you still haven't left this marriage, because the external force is not big enough, and because your husband is making some changes, of course, there is a very important reason, you have an extramarital affair, so that your emotions and sex have a better outlet.
If there is no extramarital affair, more marriages will be dissolved, of course, I don't have substantive data, that is, to say this, but if there is no extramarital relationship, so that you have a buffer in the most difficult period of marriage, maybe you really can't stand the current marriage anymore, and then choose to end.
The relationship outside of marriage allowed you to get through that difficult time, and now, you suddenly feel that your marriage is bearable, and you are no longer so annoying to face the people in marriage. Many people will say that if there is love, there will be rejection, if true love will choose divorce, if true love will not be able to bear to accept two men, etc. So how much love in this world can really produce rejection?
How often can a person's emotional state really produce that kind of love that I only need for the person in front of me to be enough, and I don't need any other relationship? Very little. When this state is rare, don't demand specious standards from others. More people's state is actually like you, there is a marriage that is almost unbearable, but can endure and can continue, and there is a lover who feels some love, but it is not enough to say that he has no hesitation, is this state good? Of course, it's good if you can control it.
If only there was such a standard set of answers to the emotional marriage of life, there would not be so many crazy men and women in the world. It can only be said that your last paragraph is the point, you feel that you can accept this state, you can choose not to divorce, and you keep falling out of extramarital affairs, even if one day, the worst result comes, you can bear it, because you originally planned to divorce.
You can enjoy both sexes in peace instead of continuing to attack yourself, and you can let go of your own constraints and maintain the relationship. It's enough to be able to do that. Why is there to be a standard answer?
About author:360-degree view of psychology, psychological supervisor, counselor, psychology lecturer, gender relationship research scholar, emotional writer, deeply engaged in the field of psychology for more than 20 years, focusing on the improvement of women's wisdom, gender cognitive cultivation and intimate relationship building, to improve the modern man and woman's sense of belief and cooperation in love and marriage for the concept, based on improving the quality of marriage between Chinese men and women, is committed to making China's marriage and family relationship more stable, so that the modern society can be more healthy and long-term development.