What is fate? You miss a person and meet him in a place where it is impossible to see him, this is the fate that God is destined for.
What is Missing? You miss a person in particular, where you think he should be, but you don't wait for him, this is what God dooms to be forgiven.
You see, that's the way a thoughtful person thinks! Internal friction, people who can't wait for expectations, are actually themselves who can't wait for expectations. I'm the one who depleted myself to the point of exhaustion, couldn't live and didn't want to die.
There are many ways to enrich yourself, which one do you use? Shopping? Talking to friends? Traveling alone? One day I wiped all the glass in my house to make it shine brighter when the sun came in, the next day, I wiped it again because I didn't think it was bright enough, and on the third day, I was lying on the couch and I felt like I should wipe it again because it didn't seem to be the brightness and clarity ...... I was happy withI bought flowers, vases, various models, and various colors on the Internet, looking forward to the wonderful match after their arrival, to prevent them from constantly cutting the roots during the growth process, and the vase specifications are different, or the white or gray or colored vases are matched with different effects? But I'm afraid they won't arrive a year ago, and that's really disappointing......In modern life, there is no express delivery, and you can check the logistics at any time on the road, and you feel that there is no hope in your heart.
Today is the last day of January 2024, January 31. Tomorrow will be the 8th day of the countdown to the New Year. Today is the twenty-first day of the lunar month, and it is the fourth night I have lived at home alone.
My daughter went to her father's city on the 19th holiday, and on the 12th day today, my daughter has not sent me a WeChat. In 2014, I became a divorced single mother, at that time, my daughter's innocent and cute little face was still in front of my eyes as it was yesterday, every time I thought about it, the corners of my mouth would rise and smile involuntarily, how could I be so happy and satisfied at that time? I feel like I have the whole world, that little guy is all my pillars, all my joy and happiness! Thinking about it, the smile turned into a cry, I don't know when I lost my daughter, pushed her out of my side alive, she never wanted to come back, never wanted to see me again, and never again the little girl who cared about whether her mother was secretly crying that night......I don't dare to look at the QQ album anymore, and I don't dare to look at every memory of my daughter's growth. It's terrible, time is too fast, seventh birthday ......Eighth birthday ......Third grade ......Sixth grade ......I went to junior high school ......In a blink of an eye, my daughter will be 15 years old. I don't want to admit that I'm an old aunt, and I don't want to accept that I've become a middle-aged woman in her forties, but now that I'm **, there really is no young person who calls me sister anymore, and instead of a polite sentence: Auntie. It's so heart-wrenching, it's counting my years, reminding me of the consciousness that I can't wake up, and I'm like I've crossed over, from 19 to 44 years old. It's heart-wrenching to think about this number, it's enough to make a woman who has experienced it break her defense in an instant and ......burst into tears
Mom once said an angry sentence: You really failed in anything!
Although I had a big fight with her, although this sentence hurt me deeply, although I couldn't let go of this sentence for a long time, I admit that my mother was right! The reason why I resisted and scolded me was because I didn't want to admit that I failed, and I didn't want to accept that I was wrong. You see, this is a dead duck with a hard mouth, and I always feel that I can turn things around and reap happiness!
But my boyfriend and ex-husband both said: no one can stand your character. This made me have serious doubts about myself. I've been desperately searching for what exactly I've done that would make someone else come to such a conclusion? Last night was sleepless again, tossing and turning in the early morning and taking a sleeping pill, wanting to sleep well, going shopping today, but I didn't want to get up in the morning and my head hurt and my eyes hurt, just like I didn't sleep all night, and I didn't feel any mood in an instant. Actually, I'm afraid to go out now, if it weren't for special needs, I could stay at home for a week without going out, I wouldn't even feel bored, and going downstairs became a kind of courage. I wanted to go out for a walk today but the wind outside was over, and the weather forecast was minus 13 degrees, is this weather suitable for going out? Once again, I found the right reason to stay at home.
Yesterday I saw a**: Why do you feel annoyed when your parents say anything? If you hear your parents talking, whether they say it right or wrong, it makes you very annoyed and makes you can't help but get angry. From a psychological point of view, it's not that you're disobedient, that you don't respect them. It's that you have too many bad memories in your mind, for example, when you were a child, your parents often found fault with you and nagged you that this is not good, that is not good. Always suppress, deny your "hobbies and ideas", so that you are very aggrieved, but you are powerless to resist can only accept, at this time if your state of mind is not strong enough, then these bad memories that have not been processed will never disappear, and will only be repeated again at a certain moment in the future, so after adulthood, you will be instinctively irritated when you talk to your parents, the essence of which is the recurrence of trauma, if you have realized the problem, it is recommended that you must rationally look at the original family good or bad, Because everyone has the shadow of their original family, no one can choose "the past and parents", how to be a good self and a parent is the most thought-provoking thing at the moment.
Sure enough, some people want to spend their whole lives to ** childhood damage. I don't want to be like my parents, but now I have become a parent like my daughter.
Carefully maintain everyone's relationships, emotions. I thought I had done a lot, given a lot, and I was focusing on others and neglecting myself. Later, I gradually found out, which is what I think now, that is, I think, in fact, for others, you do nothing, what you do is your own will, in other words, you are for yourself! The original selfless dedication has become selfish greed, in this life, the most difficult thing for us is to slowly get to know ourselves in the past few decades, some people, may not think clearly until the second before they die, and they do not recognize it, so there are still a lot of grievances left in the world!
One night many years ago, I once stood on the mountain and looked down at the lights of thousands of homes below, and I clearly remembered how much I longed for a light in those small homes that was lit to belong to me, and someone who loved me would always look forward to me, no matter what kind of person I was, even if.
I'm mediocre, even if I'm unbearable, even if I'm not worth it. This idea, every time in the night lights in the long jump I will have, now it seems, it is a sense of belonging to the inner need, a sense of need, these years, there may not be a place that makes me really feel safe, is completely my territory, so always in the dazed when I feel like a lonely ghost with nowhere to go, maybe those homes are also a chicken feathers, but I always long, there is a place I am not afraid of, there is a place I do no matter what I do, There is a place where you can stay for any grievances, but I don't!
I once thought that it was a very unfilial performance for children to blame their parents, but I have to admit that my irritability comes from the blame in my heart, and the blame I can't say clearly because I have too many things in my heart to say and can't say it. Those things may have long been a thing of the past, and even they themselves don't care about the existence of those things, but in my young childhood, youth, every small thing, I have never let go of it for a moment. I don't know if everyone has secrets that are difficult to tell, but I think that my family has a lot of secrets, and what is hidden on the surface is like a very happy and contented family. So, I don't want to see them, I don't want to get along with them. I feel hypocritical, indifferent, and ruthless, although they care about me, and maybe they will not hesitate to save my life when I need it, but I don't feel moved, because I think that if I die one day, it must be related to them. As for their so-called love, it will only let the whole world know how much they have done, how they have given everything for me, and then those people will say that I am in the midst of blessings and do not know the blessings, and I have suffered for myself!
I don't care what the world thinks, I don't care what others say about me, if I still care about other people's opinions when I was young, now I'm a little cheeky, it doesn't matter. I didn't spend other people's money, I didn't eat other people's rice, why should I care what other people think, 10,000 people and 10,000 thoughts, and you are not me, how can you know that I am in bliss?
The hardest thing is to be yourself, not in the eyes of others.
You go forward, don't look back!
The kind of person you want, he's not that kind of person, you want him to be that kind of person, but he's not that kind of person, what do you say? Is it his fault? He didn't become who you hoped he would be? Or is it your fault? Why don't you just find someone you hope to be?
There is only one reason, or "you think". Of course you think he will be, that's what it's called anticipation. Later it turns out that he is not, which is called disappointment. Maybe it's not you or him who is wrong all the time, it's "what you think" that is wrong!
It's like talking about feelings with a rich person and money with a poor person. When I was with a rich person, I enjoyed material satisfaction, and gradually found that I was a little lonely emotionally, so I began to reflect on the material life without love, is it interesting? When he was with the poor, he enjoyed a small touch in the ordinary, two people ate a bowl of noodles, and when he was sad, he would appear behind him at any time and say: There is me! But you gradually find that the sentence with me is really just a sentence, there is no improvement with him or not, you just feel that when the world abandons you at that moment, there is a hand holding you, and there is a person who only stays for you. Sometimes, most of the unhappiness is brought by him, except for the sentence you expect with me, nothing! In many moments of disappointment, you yourself feel that you have become cheap, and the person who was reluctant to let you lose a drop of your eyes still cares how sad you are when he turns away? Is he also tired of your grief and he's hesitating whether the original decision was right or wrong......
As for me, I'm not a qualified woman. It will not be gentle, it will not show weakness, it will not bow its head, it will be strong and domineering. There'......s really nothing to be nostalgic forTwo people have been together for many years, and it is really too difficult and too difficult to separate, and it hurts too much, but I think, if you stand up, it will pass!
At the moment it is 3:22:29 on January 19, and alone in this rented house, I seem to have something, but it seems that there is nothing. It's a sin for me to even leave. I can only be here, slowly let time, let anxiety, let loneliness, let expectation, let disappointment swallow myself, once at a time, once a second!
I really want to meet a person on a lonely street, a stranger who is as sad as I am, and I hope that he will see my sadness, walk with me for a while, and listen to me. There is no need for a response, no sympathy, just that I am not alone in this difficult journey.
Say the most ruthless words and prick your heart! I deserve it.