Chapter 8 Conversational Style: Being able to use language does not mean being able to speak
The essence of nonviolent communication is to teach people how to use language correctly, and under its guidance, people will not contradict others because of inappropriate expression.
The purpose of communication is to achieve a win-win situation, but only if the communication is smooth. The use of the right language plays a crucial role. If the language used is not appropriate, it will cause a rift in the relationship between the two parties, and communication can only be effective if the language is acceptable to everyone.
There are many techniques and methods of nonviolent communication that can help people express themselves better. Of course, being able to use language does not mean that you can speak, just as there is a difference between practice and literary creation. It seems easy to speak, but in fact, there is a lot of knowledge hidden inside. Only by fully understanding the hidden mysteries can you say things that are pleasing to others on any occasion.
1.Speaking is also an art.
In addition to nonviolent communication, the communication styles we see in our daily lives include passive aggression and direct aggression. A direct attack is a very straightforward expression of one's dissatisfaction with others, and his words are full of gunpowder with guns and sticks. Negative aggression, on the other hand, does not directly express his dissatisfaction and disgust, but often maintains a semblance of harmony. When the other party asks for him, he agrees, but afterwards he prevaricates, delays, or ignores it under various excuses.
However, whether it is a "passive attack" or a "direct attack", the relationship between the two parties will be deadlocked, and no one can be happy, which violates the principle of nonviolent communication.
Lee Cheol-hee is an office clerk for an electronics company in Seoul, South Korea, he is very introverted, usually does not like to talk, even if he has to deal with others because of business, he always ends with a few words. But he has a big shortcoming, that is, whenever someone asks him for his opinion on something, his words are always very harsh, either exposing other people's shortcomings, or sparks are straight out.
Once, a new colleague Jiang Yuxiang was praised by his boss at a meeting because of his outstanding performance at work. Back in the office, Jiang Yuxiang was still immersed in joy, and other colleagues also took the opportunity to say true or false polite words, praising her for being capable, smart, and promising, but Li Zhexi kept sitting in his place silent.
Li Zhexi, why don't you praise Jiang Yuxiang, she is the first newcomer to be praised by the big boss, and she will definitely have a bright future in the future. Colleague Li Zhekai asked.
What is there to boast about. The big boss praised her in public, not because her work ability is really strong, not because she is young and beautiful, and she usually shoots the big boss's ass! ”
Hearing this, everyone present was embarrassed. Especially the party Jiang Yuxiang, who was so angry that he shed tears on the spot.
There are still a lot of people like Lee Zhe-hee who can't speak in life. Even though they knew that what they said would not be welcomed, they still insisted on their way of speaking, which led to a lot of contradictions. In fact, as long as they can find an effective way to communicate, they can effectively avoid conflict.
People who can't speak are not a few when communicating with people, especially those positions that require communication skills, and when dealing with people, we should pay more attention to the way we speak to avoid conflicts.
For example, when the HR director of a company interviews a job applicant, he usually asks them to introduce themselves before introducing them to the basic information of the company and the specific requirements for employees. Especially when talking about employee requirements, if the HR director says: "The company wants you to be an employee who keeps to himself, everything is in the interests of the company, and you must not do anything that damages the interests of the company, otherwise you will be directly fired." Such words convey a strong sense of command and control to people, as if you are bound to lose your personal freedom if you enter this company. But if he says, "Every company has its own rules. As an employee, in addition to outstanding business ability, the most important thing is to abide by the company's rules and regulations. Even if you can't think about the company in everything, don't do anything that harms the company's interests. As long as you can do this, the company will not treat you badly. Then, when the job seeker hears it, it will be a different feeling.
Jerles Carral, Ph.D. in sociology from Harvard University in the United States, once said, "Some people speak with respect for others without going against their will." When faced with unreasonable demands from others, they will politely refuse, neither hurting others nor affecting themselves, which is called 'non-violent affirmative communication', which is the highest level of communication. ”
In fact, to achieve "non-violent affirmative communication", you only need to do two things:
Replace criticism with objective facts. For example, "You're not doing this right" or "You're laughing so ugly" can cause frustration and anger. But if you can be objective, the effect will be much better, such as telling the other person, "Maybe we can do this......Moreover, the more objective the description, the more likely the other person will see our words as a reasonable attempt to communicate, rather than attacking or criticizing him.
Stop judging others and not just your own feelings. If someone says, "You're a selfish person who never cares about my feelings." The other party will definitely find a reason to refute it. But if you say, "Last Sunday night, I made a table of dishes waiting for you to come home, and you didn't come back all night, it makes me sad and disappointed." "The other person won't question your feelings.
Speaking is an art, but art is also in life, and non-violent communication can teach people how to live better. Some people speak unscrupulously, they can say whatever they want, even if they point out the shortcomings of others to their faces; Some people speak too tactfully, which will give people a sense of hypocrisy; And those who are able to clearly express their inner thoughts on any occasion will praise the strengths of others with sincerity, and they will implicitly remind them of their shortcomings so as not to embarrass them. Such a person is a person who can have a dialogue with others in a peaceful state, and is a person who truly understands the art of speaking.
2.Find a topic that "resonates" with the other person.
It is said that Theodore Roosevelt, the 26th ** of the United States, had a peculiar habit of reading the materials on topics of particular interest to the guest the night before whenever someone visited. Because he knows that the most touching thing is not those gorgeous words, but to find the right topic and resonate with each other's hearts.
In nonviolent communication, communicating with others is about fully understanding the needs of the other person and having a sufficient understanding of the other person, which is actually asking for empathy with the other person.
Dale Carnegie, a famous American master of interpersonal relations, once said: "If you want to broaden your social circle and become a popular talker, you must go deep into people's inner world and talk about things that the other party is more interested in." But if we only want others to pay attention to us, then we will never be able to get too many sincere friends. ”
Salaman, a salesman for an insurance company in London, England, once visited Aniel, the manager of another large company. After the meeting, Salaman first gave a general introduction to his company's various insurance types, so that Aniel could have a preliminary understanding of the product. But in the process, she always seemed absent-minded, and Anne either yawned or looked around.
At this moment, Salaman discovers that there are many books on Unsolved Mysteries of the World in the bookcase behind Aniel, and there is also a copy of Unsolved Mysteries of the World on the desk of his desk. Then Salaman's eyes lit up, and she said, "Are you interested in those unsolved mysteries, especially The Unsolved Mysteries of the World?" ”
When Annele, who was originally sleepy, heard Salman talk about "The Unsolved Mysteries of the World", she immediately came to her senses: "Yes, I am very interested in those strange unsolved mysteries, especially the unsolved mysteries of the world, which is simply so interesting. ”
"Actually, I've seen a lot of books and documentaries about the world's unsolved mysteries, but I don't know a lot," Salaman said. If you have time, can you tell me about it? ”
Annele was immediately interested and started talking to Salaman. After that, not only did they sign the insurance policy smoothly, but they also became very good friends.
Nonviolent communication tells people that in the process of communicating with others, they must say something that captures the other person's interest and attracts the other person's attention. In this way, the strangeness between each other can be eliminated in a very short time, the psychological barrier can be dissolved, and the communication will become smoother.
Psychologists believe that, in a sense, every person in society has their own distinct personality traits. That said, everyone has their own way of behaving in the world, and when someone is interested in your topic and is happy to participate, it means that the rest of the conversation will be enjoyable.
The biggest difficulty in finding common topics is that you don't know each other at all. If we don't have enough time to get to know each other, we can try to get to know him first through keen observation in a short period of time. For example, the other person's hairstyle, clothing, tone of voice, and eyes can give us a preliminary clue to understand the other person.
If you want to "resonate" with the other person, the key is to "find a topic". Nonviolent communication tells us to do this when we are "looking for a topic":
Choose the latest hot events and focus the conversation on everyone's excitement. This kind of topic is generally what everyone likes to talk about, wants to talk about and can talk about, and it will also make the two sides collide with more sparks in the conversation.
Cleverly borrow some of the other person's material to elicit the topic. The key reason why many people are good at stirring up the atmosphere is that they are good at using things related to the other person to improvise and lead to topics, and often achieve unexpected results. This type of person has quick thinking, strong logical reasoning ability, and can make associations from one to the other.
Ask some tentative questions and get a little understanding before having a purposeful conversation. For example, when you are on an airplane, you can tentatively ask your neighbor about their place of origin, which creates an opportunity to "resonate" with the other person.
Ask the other person directly about their interests and hobbies, and then "ask questions". If the other person likes to travel, you can use this as a topic to talk about interesting things about travel. Everyone will always have endless things to say about their own interests and hobbies, and using this as a starting point can quickly shorten the distance between each other and make communication smoother.
3.How to speak when negotiating with someone.
Mark Twain, a famous American orator, once said: "When negotiating with others, the secret to victory is not how bright you are, how tall and handsome you are, but whether you can master the skills of conversation." ”
The role of non-violent communication is to enable the two parties to talk peacefully and efficiently in order to achieve the purpose of communication. The ultimate goal of negotiations is to strive for their own best interests and achieve a win-win situation. Therefore, it can be said that nonviolent communication is to teach people how to say the right thing in a negotiation so that both parties can be more satisfied with the outcome.
So, how does nonviolent communication teach people to say the right things when negotiating?
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Throw stones and ask for directions. When negotiating with someone, if you don't know much about the other party's situation, but want to get the other party's information, then you can take the initiative and say something provocative to stimulate the other party to express your position, and then judge the truth and falsehood according to his reaction. This is known as "throwing stones for directions".
For example, A is ready to order a batch of goods from B, and during the negotiation, A proposes several different trading varieties and asks how much the ** of these products is. B wasn't sure what A meant for a while, and he felt that A's question was like listening to ** and asking about the market**.
Faced with A's problem, B is very conflicted. If you don't tell the truth, losing a big order is a small matter, and losing a big customer who can cooperate for a long time is not a trivial matter; But if you tell the truth, if the other party is just here to find out, won't you be very passive?
At this point, B can say something that stimulates A to find out A's true intentions. He can say, "My product is absolutely genuine, and if you're looking for a bargain, then I probably don't have what you need here." After all, 'you get what you pay for', so the best of my products here is definitely equal to the quality. ”
B's answer implies a provocation to A. As soon as A answers, B can easily judge A's true strength from it. If A only likes the quality of the product, he is not afraid to buy it, and when he answers, his tone will be very loud, and even a little disdainful; But if A cares about **, he will hesitate and may directly propose a price reduction to B. Based on this, B will be able to formulate an accurate response plan.
Roundabout exploration. In fact, many times, both sides in a negotiation will not directly state their true intentions. At this moment, you can skillfully find out the reality of the other party through roundabout exploration.
In negotiations, if one party is the host and the other is invited. Hosts who are very skilled in negotiation will try to show their hospitality in order to find out the information of their guests. In addition to arranging the guest's life in an orderly manner, he will also be shown to play around and let his guard down, which is actually a roundabout way of discovery.
Although nonviolent communication requires people to express their thoughts directly when communicating, in special times, direct expression is not as good as indirect temptation. Because when you negotiate directly with the other person without understanding what is in the other person's heart, you will not only be in a passive position, but also easily misunderstand the other person's meaning and make the negotiation deadlock.
Lure the enemy deeper. In fact, in order to achieve the purpose of the negotiation, one party can do so by luring the enemy into the depths. One of the most effective ways is to deliberately make mistakes, so that the other party can get some fake news to induce him to make a statement, and then use the topic to play to achieve his desired goal. These mistakes can be made in the form of reporting mistakes**, using the wrong words, etc.
When negotiating, it is important to master the skills of speaking, and perfectly combine the understanding, listening, expression, and peace emphasized in non-violent communication with the various information received, and accurately express your own views and opinions. Through appropriate language, we can explore the real thoughts and goals of the other party in order to achieve the goal of the negotiation.
4.If you know the tone of your voice, you'll get twice the result with half the effort.
Johnson Goode, a famous American psychologist, once said: "When people's tone of speech becomes stiff, the atmosphere around them will also be cold." But if people can be more gentle, tender, and calm in the process of speaking, then even the most awkward atmosphere will become harmonious. ”
Therefore, as nonviolent communication has always advocated, people should use language to resolve conflicts, not create them.
Often, mastering the tone of your voice will do more with less. Because people's mentality is different in different situations, if you can't control your tone, it may make others feel disgusted.
Especially when negotiating with a partner in the workplace, if the tone of speech is too blunt or too serious, it will give the other party a sense of oppression. In this way, the other party is reluctant to communicate with you more. But if you speak in a low tone, it will give the other person the feeling that you are asking for him. In the eyes of the other party, you are a weakling, and he is free to dictate the content of the negotiation according to his own ideas. In this way, not only will you lose the right to speak, but you will also be led by the nose by the other party.
Nonviolent communication is, to put it bluntly, to teach people how to speak, and it can reveal the root of all obstacles, but the root of the obstacles is overwhelmingly human beings themselves. As long as you can control your words and actions, you can establish a good interpersonal relationship. "Yan" here refers to language, including both how to use words and what tone of voice to use to talk to people.
So, guided by nonviolent communication, how can people properly control the tone of voice when speaking?
Vary. The first thing to do when properly navigating the tone of voice is to vary from person to person, after all, tone of voice can affect the mood and mental state of the listener. Speak in a joyful tone, and the other party will feel very happy after listening; However, if you use a more angry tone, the other party will feel very angry after listening to it. However, because of people's age, status, and living environment, their reactions to the same sentence will be different.
For example, when a father sees his daughter showing off her new toys to other children, he angrily says to her, "What is there to show off, I won't buy you any more toys in the future." "The daughter will definitely be very sad and even a little panicked, worried that her father will really not buy her toys in the future. But if the wife is showing off her new clothes to others, the husband walks over and says angrily, "What is there to show off, I won't buy you new clothes in the future." The wife may be very disdainful and say, "If you don't buy it, you won't buy it, I can make money myself, and I will buy it myself in the future." ”
In these two cases, the father and husband may speak in a different way, and the effect may be much better. The father can say to his daughter in a gentler tone: "Honey, it is not good to show off to children, you can't do it in the future, you know?" And the husband can also say to his wife in a gentle tone: "My dear, it is not good for you to show your new clothes to others in such a high-profile manner, because it will not only show that you are a pompous woman, but also attract the jealousy of others." Try to keep a low profile! When the wife listens to this, not only will she not quarrel with her husband, but she will also be touched by his attentiveness.
Varies from time to time. The same sentence is said at different times, and the effect is often very different. Therefore, only by seizing the moment, using the right tone of voice, and saying what you want to say can you produce good results.
Varies from place to place. This requires people to be mindful of the occasion when they speak. In general, the larger the occasion, the more attention should be paid to raising the pitch appropriately, slowing down the speed of speech, and grasping the rhythm to highlight the key points; On the contrary, the smaller the occasion, the more attention should be paid to appropriately lowering the pitch, closely connecting the rhythm of the words, and grasping the downward trend of the tone to achieve the most natural state.
Knowing the tone of your voice in the way that nonviolent communication teaches will make things go in the direction you want. But if you don't know what tone to use in what situation, conflicts between people can easily arise, which is not conducive to building good interpersonal relationships. Especially when both parties are talking or one of them is talking for a certain purpose, the end result is bound to be very disappointing.
5.How to address others is a very particular thing.
Nonviolent communication is a language of kindness that aims to promote genuine connections between people and others, and through this kindness, everyone's needs are met. It can resolve all kinds of conflicts between people and teach people how to use the right language to communicate with others. For example, in daily life, many people don't know how to address others appropriately and get bored. However, in nonviolent communication, we can find the best solution.
There are many types of salutations, including polite, positional, relational, name, and gender. But whatever you call them, they must be respectful and acceptable. Otherwise, there is a risk of breaking down the relationship between the parties.
How to address others reasonably has always been a very particular thing. If you use it well, others will feel close to you, feel that you are a very cultured person, and your interpersonal relationships will be smooth; If you don't use it well, others will get angry and think you're a nuisance, and the communication between the two parties will get into an awkward situation. Therefore, the name may seem simple, but it is related to people's quality of life and interpersonal relationships.
The American social psychologist Leon Festinger once said: "If you wear a piece of clothing that is not very decent, maybe others will not feel any discomfort." But if you use inappropriate words to address others, you will be seen as a fool by others. They will even try to stay away from you, leaving you alone and lonely. ”
Nonviolent communication teaches people that they can't do everything the same, and that they need to be flexible in how they express themselves so that they can quickly achieve the purpose of communication. The same goes for addressing others, in addition to being polite, you must also be able to use different words depending on the region.
Since salutations are so important, what principles should people follow when choosing a salutation?
Look at each other's occupations. Use different names for people in different professions. For example, teachers should be called "teachers", state officials should be called "comrades", doctors should be called "doctors", professional defenders should be called "lawyers", professional accountants should be called "accountants", and so on. If we are not sure what is the right title, we can ask the other person about their profession first, which not only ensures the appropriateness of the title, but also gives the other person a sense of nobility in the profession.
Look at the identity of the other party. Different words should be used when addressing people of different statuses. For example, if someone has a friend or relative relationship with someone we know, we can use that relationship to determine how to address him.
Look at the occasion of the conversation. Use different names for different occasions so that people feel comfortable. For example, in formal occasions, such as negotiations or meetings with customers, it is better to call the leader "Mr. Wang" and "Manager Zhao". This shows the seriousness of your work and your respect for your leadership status.
It depends on the intimacy between yourself and the other person. If the relationship between relatives and relatives is different, the title will naturally be different. For example, when you meet your siblings, girlfriends, friends, or better colleagues in the company, calling them by their first names will appear more intimate and the atmosphere will become more harmonious. Similarly, for those who do not have a good relationship, in order to avoid uncomfortable feelings from the other party, you should not use some affectionate names when addressing them.
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