Hello everyone:
Welcome to the 100% funny collection to make you (high) laugh all day!
I washed a peach in the bathroom today, and I wanted to dry the water on it, but my hand fell into the toilet!
I hesitated for a long time, should I want it or not? In the end, I decided that I would still be able to eat it. Just as I rolled up my sleeves and was about to fish, my mother walked in and saw this scene, and said in surprise: "Son, I didn't expect you to be so frugal and actually wash fruit in the toilet!" “
I was playing a game, and suddenly my phone rang, I guess it was the takeaway, and I picked it up**: Hey".
The other party said: "Hey, hello, I'm Meituan takeaway, the meal you ordered has arrived, please take it at the door." ”
I responded, "Okay." ”
I hurriedly ran downstairs, looked left and right, and didn't see the takeaway brother, so I asked, "Are you there?" ”
The other party said hesitantly: "Big brother, I'm sorry, I made a mistake just now." ”
Toot ......Toot ......Toot ......Toot ......
Yes! ...I stood at the door with a bewildered expression! I really want to curse.
She finally turned around and said: I'm also here to buy things, are you sick?
At noon, a beautiful woman went to withdraw money, and after inserting the card, she found that the man behind her was staring at her, and her heart was tight, and she didn't even take out the money after entering the password a few times.
angrily yelled at the man behind him: "What to see, what to see, do you want to rob?" ”
The man in the back didn't show weakness: "I just want to see how much money you can take out if you insert your ID card in." “
Beauty: "Lao Tzu, this is a social security card and a bank card, what do you know?" “
In junior high school geography class, I was shaking my head when my geography teacher was talking about the southernmost and northernmost points of China.
When the teacher found out, he came over and slapped my desk and shouted, "Jiang Defu, get up and answer where are the southernmost and northernmost points of China?" ”
I stood up and confidently replied, "The southernmost point is the South Pole, and the northernmost part is the North Pole." ”
After hearing this, the teacher scolded: "You think China is the earth!" ”
The whole class burst into laughter! It was just me standing there as a monk – scratching my head and thinking, 'Isn't it?' ’
Later, I came to my senses, and it turned out that the teacher was asking about the southernmost and northernmost points of China, and I made a fork.
Hey! You're a fucking talent! 」
Seeing that it is often said on the Internet that "men become bad when they are rich", I asked my father at the time: "Dad, if you have money in the future, will you abandon me and my mother?" “
Dad replied, "How so?" One is a biological wife, the other is a biological son, how can it be so easy to abandon. “
I was about to praise my dad a few words, but my dad muttered: "Since I gave birth to a loser son like you, it's hard for me to get rich!" “
At that time, my father was quite embarrassed by me.
Then my father added: "You better find a daughter-in-law quickly, and your mother and I can enjoy a few days of clean life early!" “
I was even more embarrassed by that, and one of them hid back in his room and went to sleep.
Oh, my mother, this father is so funny! 」
Aunt Zhang is in her 70s this year and often gets dizzy inexplicably. At the urging of her wife, Aunt Zhang came to the hospital diagnosis room. There were many patients, and after waiting for a long time, it was Aunt Zhang's turn, and she sat down opposite the doctor.
Without raising his head, the doctor asked, "*Uncomfortable?" ”
Aunt Zhang whispered, "I'm old and dizzy. ”
The doctor said, "Are you old and dizzy?" What are you doing here? Let the old man come and sit down! ”
At that time, Aunt Zhang was so embarrassed that she couldn't speak! 」
At the sports meeting, there was a classmate who had a cramp in his running leg and was lying on the ground half-dead, and the classmate ran over to rub his leg, good guy, it was a fierce rub and rub it for about five or six minutes, and the classmate lying on the ground slowly opened his eyes and said six words: "It was the leg that was pumped." ”
It is said that middle-aged aunts will bargain when buying vegetables, and when I visited the vegetable market, I followed behind the two aunts and visited all the stalls in the vegetable market!
As soon as I got out of the vegetable market, my ex-girlfriend rushed out of the corner, grabbed me by the collar and yelled, "Why are you like this? Can't catch up with me, but actually follow my mother, what's the matter with the old lady! ”
Patronizing and buying ** vegetables behind them, without looking at his face, this is embarrassing.
I used to call ** to my boyfriend in their dormitory, but he didn't pick it up, and I was a little embarrassed, so I made up a name and said, "Is xx there?" It's all about pretending to be the wrong person.
The other party hesitated for a moment and said, "Wait, I'll call you." ”
I was so sick of food! Hurry up and hang up the ** in fright.
Later, when I asked my boyfriend, he said that a boy in the dormitory opposite them called me the name I made up.
That's a coincidence, isn't it? ）
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