People are inevitably lacking, and nothing in the world is perfect. But for people with a fixed mindset, the problem is the manifestation of the flaw. Just as there is no rainbow without going through wind and rain, and there is no achievement without setbacks, a perfect relationship between the sexes cannot avoid conflicts and contradictions.
Nana's secret.
Nana's story is one such example. There was a lot of talk about how she might be having an affair. She often receives mysterious **, is always late when picking up her children, has more outings with her girlfriends, and has more absent-minded moments. Her husband Xiaoqiang chose to turn a blind eye. "All women go through this phase," he insisted, "and it doesn't mean that she has another man out there." ”
Xiaoqiang's friends urged him to find out the truth of the matter, but Xiaoqiang chose to escape. For him, if the truth is not good, his world will collapse. From a fixed mindset perspective, he has to face one of three realities: Nana is a bad woman, he himself is a bad man who has caused his wife to leave him, or their relationship is bad and irretrievable. He couldn't afford either choice.
He didn't realize that the problem could be solved. Nana's actions are actually sending a message to him, and she longs for him to pay more attention. If there is a problem between the two that needs to be resolved, at least the relationship between the two has a chance to be saved.
Another friend, Xiaomei, also suffered from a similar problem. Her friends all complained that there were no good men in the world and that she was.
Xiaomei's list.
But he bravely went out of the house to look for it. Every time she meets a nice man, she gets caught up in it, tells her friends that "he's my real destiny", and begins to look forward to a better future. However, every time the relationship breaks down because of some small thing. Once because her boyfriend's birthday gift was not to her liking; Another time because the boyfriend added ketchup to the food or wore white shoes; Another time it was because her boyfriend was using electronics in a way that made her unbearable. These may be just small things in the eyes of others, but in Xiaomei's eyes, they have become intolerable shortcomings.
Under the influence of fixed mindsets, Xiaomei believes that these problems reflect her boyfriend's personality flaws. But in fact, most of these problems can be solved with a little communication.
Behind the problem.
Such people are accustomed to blaming the other person for their problems, and the object of their blame is often deep into the personality traits of the other person, as if it were an irrevocable flaw. And when the problem really stems from the partner's personality, anger and disgust will arise in their hearts.
And the magnitude of the problem doesn't stop there. In their eyes, since problems arise from fixed personal traits, they seem to become unsolvable problems. Once a fixed mindset finds something wrong in their partner, they will belittle the other person and even become dissatisfied with the relationship as a whole.
Sometimes, they choose to turn a blind eye to the problems in their partner and their relationship, trying to avoid confronting and resolving them.
A problem is not a defect.
Daniel Weir, an expert on gender relations, once said that choosing a partner is tantamount to picking a whole bunch of problems. There is no candidate in the world who does not have problems. The key is to understand that the other party's bottom line is **, and then gradually cultivate the relationship between the two from this point.
In short, a problem is not a flaw, but an opportunity to grow; Contradictions and conflicts in a relationship are not unsolvable, but require both parties to work together to overcome them.
Loving someone does not mean fully accepting all their shortcomings, but learning to tolerate and grow with each other in love.