"Only such a man deserves life and freedom, if he fights for it every day. - Goethe.
What people live for and for whom they live has always been a very complex proposition.
As ordinary people, we can't live entirely for others, nor can we live entirely for ourselves.
Life has length, width, and temperature, and it is good for our souls to find their place in it, and to live an ordinary life.
Today we read Chapter 3 of The Courage to Be Hated: To hell with those who interfere in your life.
01 Who to live for
The young man said that his parents often compared him to his older brother.
I am now a librarian, but my parents want him to inherit his father's printing house like his older brother.
If you obey your parents, you will be resentful, and if you don't listen, you will feel that you have not been approved by your parents.
According to the philosopher, Adlerian psychology denies seeking approval from others.
The search for recognition is influenced by the education of rewards and punishments.
If no one praises you, you can't do good, and if you don't punish you, you can do bad things.
Young people say that living in the expectations of others and being accepted is a natural need.
The philosopher said that we do not live to meet the expectations of others.
After all, we still live for ourselves.
02 Separation of topics
The philosopher asks: What if the child does not like to learn?
The young man replied: Do everything you can to make him learn.
The philosopher said that the question depends on whose problem it is, and the so-called problem is the problem of whoever ultimately bears the consequences of the matter.
The consequences of the child's failure to learn are borne by himself, so this is his subject.
Forcing children does not make them fall in love with learning.
All interpersonal conflicts arise from wanton interference in other people's problems, or one's own problems are interfered with by others. ”
Parents say they think about their children, but they are also dominated by their own face and vanity.
To the child, understand, protect, do not interfere.
It's like "Take a horse to the water, but don't force it to drink." ”
Only oneself can change oneself: "Children need self-recognition, change can change."
Treat children's issues as their own, and always focus on children, and it is easy to lose yourself.
Choose the path you think is good, and don't care too much about the eyes and evaluations of others.
Don't interfere with other people's issues, and don't let others interfere with your own issues.
Let your child face the difficulties on their own.
03 Freedom
Youth: Elders always say to young people, do what you love.
But parents always ask for "which school do you want to go to" and "you have to find a stable job?" ”
But it's hard to completely ignore your parents' thoughts and follow your own ideas.
Philosopher: To live according to other people's ideas is to entrust your life to others, such as following the path paved by your parents.
Choosing this path is easy, and choosing your own path may face difficulties in survival.
But if you want to be free, you have to pay the price of being hated by others.
The so-called freedom is not afraid of being hated and move forward, not following the tide and moving forward.
I care more about how I'm doing than what others think of me.
The philosopher said that because of his father's domestic violence since he was a child, the relationship with his father was even worse after his mother died in his 20s.
The previous grudge was revenge, and now he chooses to repair it, no matter what his father thinks, he will not change his mind because of this.
The subject of interpersonal relationships is first and foremost oneself, and the card of this relationship is in one's own hands.
In essence, you can't manipulate others, and you can't be manipulated by others.
Qing Yao concluded:
Don't live in other people's expectations, in fact, you don't need to care too much about what others think.
You like red, but your husband likes green. You don't have to change your clothes because he likes.
Be who you are, and you don't need to live what others want you to be.
We must have our own firm ideals in life, firm goals in life, and not easily change them because of the criticism or interference of others.
The separation of topics does not mean that they do not care about each other at all, but that parents should understand their children's needs and give assistance, and do not impose their own preferences and wishes on him.
It's not that laissez-faire is left alone.
The so-called freedom means that you can choose the relationship according to your own will, do not impose your will on others, and do not want to be used by others.
These principles sound very reasonable, but in reality they are difficult to operate.
There are subtle differences in all of them, and it is difficult to grasp the question of degree.
For example, how do you try to make your child fall in love with learning on his own without interfering in his life?
For example, you have changed your attitude towards your parents and want to repair the relationship. But once you encounter their usual indifference and partiality, you will still be unhappy because of it.
Although it is said that the human soul and body are independent, the intellect and emotions are also different.
But humans are mammals, and this emotional emotion is difficult to delineate.
You can restrain yourself, but sometimes you really can't control it.
This kind of test is not only courage, but also a person's firm enough belief and a sufficiently transparent understanding of human nature, life and society.
We live in the same pool, and it is inevitable that we will wet each other's sleeves, and the so-called "interference", "praise" and "criticism" are also subtle and complex.
The core of Adler's psychology is to dilute all the influences of the outside world and immerse yourself in yourself.
But as ordinary people, we can't live entirely for others, nor can we live entirely for ourselves.