The moment she gave birth to me, my mother cried when she heard the doctor say, "It's a daughter." It's not because she's patriarchal, she saysBut it is very uncomfortable to think that her child, after becoming a woman in the future, will have to go through the severe pain of childbirth that she has just endured. In my memory, my mother said this many times. When I was a child, I thought it was pretentious, and I would snort, "Cut." After hearing it and then feeling annoyed, it will say, "Isn't it okay if I don't have children?" When she was of childbearing age, she said again, and I asked her, "Do you regret it?" Would you prefer me to be a Dink? She said that being a Dink was certainly fine, but she didn't mean it that way. Then she added that having a daughter was one of the happiest things she felt in her life. So what does that mean? It's just a chat, she said. My conversation with my mom was usually about the present, and she rarely talked to me about memories at length and was not happy to point fingers at me about my future. So for a long time I couldn't figure out why she would tell me so many times about this alone. 
If Running Is My Life" stills later, it was my turn to lie on the delivery bed and hear the doctor say, "It's my son." I suddenly remembered my mother's words, and secretly said to the child in my heart, "No matter what, you will not suffer this sin." Then, I suddenly understood that when my mother said this to me, it was not only that I was the child who had caused her severe pain, nor was she pushing some kind of life advice as a person who had come before, it might be more like a kind of muttering in her heartInIn the mother-daughter relationship, the mother often sees her daughter as her doppelganger or continuation to some extent. It's also like a pure sharing – mothers are usually willing, even if it's just wishful thinking, to treat their daughters as close friends, consciously or unconsciously, to initiate topics that only women are happy to talk about, such as "the feeling of childbirth", which is both private and easy to empathize with, without being accused of having no sense of boundaries. Just a one- or two-sentence small talk initiated by my mother can build our mother-daughter relationship into multiple roles and multiple dimensions. And in the stories that happened between mother and daughter that I know, my daily life with my mother is actually very ordinary. In other words,No matter how ordinary the mother-daughter relationship is, it is enough to contain subtle complexity. What is increasingly forming a consensus and attracting more and more attention from researchers is that the mother-daughter relationship can be called one of the richest relationships in the intricate interpersonal relationships. Mother-daughter relationships are often not seen as a problem.
South Korean psychologist Kim Ji-yoon wrote in the book "The World of Mother and Daughter: The Contradiction of Love and Hate" that the mother-daughter relationship contains more contradictions than any other relationship. The world of mother and daughter is like a thread that has been intertwined for twenty or thirty years. Despite this, unlike the conflict between husband and wife or the relationship between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law that most people are talking about, the conflict between mother and daughter has just begun to be concerned. Even if many mothers and daughters know that their difficult situation is caused by each other, they are still not sure what kind of contradiction it is. Between mother and daughter, everything is taken for granted, everything is allowed, and they are very close to each other, just because they are mother and daughter. Mother and daughter are so close to each other that they don't think about other relationships at all, and that's the fundamental reason for this. She gave an example: if a good friend comes to your house without prior notice, makes your least favorite miso soup, and sits across from you and forces you to finish it. When you say no, she will say, "I know your body better than you do!" Just listen to me, don't talk nonsense, eat! Then, she said, "If there's one spoonful left, I'll continue to make you miso soup tomorrow." "If you have a friend like that, you're going to think she's scary. But if the person is a mom, you will feel that this is normal. Just because she is a mother and she loves you, a mother's love has always been considered strong and selfless. 
Stills from "All About My Mother" Most of us have accepted this kind of love, even if we have felt faintly uncomfortable in the process of acceptance. This subtle emotion is accurately described in the Italian writer Elena Ferrante's "Annoying Love", which contains a passage about the protagonist's feelings when the protagonist's mother visits her residence in Rome for a few days a month: "I am not happy to hear her walking around the house. She got up at dawn according to her daily habits and wiped the kitchen and living room from top to bottom. I wanted to sleep a little longer, but I couldn't: my body became stiff and uncomfortable under the covers. She's busy outside, which makes me feel like a wrinkled child. She came in with coffee, and I would curl up in the corner of the bed to prevent her from touching me while she sat on the edge of the bed. She was very accosted, and it annoyed me: she knew the shopkeepers well when she went out to buy things, and I had no more than two words to them for ten years. She walks around the city with some casual acquaintances; She became friends with my friends and told them about her life, always the same story. In front of her, I could only restrain myself and never tell the truth. As soon as the daughter showed the slightest impatience, the mother would immediately return to her hometown of Naples. When she left, "she put everything in the house to her liking, and after she left, I walked around the room and put things back up and again, the way I liked." I put the salt shaker where it had been for years and put the detergent back where it was comfortable for me. I messed up the things she had organized in the drawer and restored the study to a state of chaos." Whenever a friend says, "My mom said she wants to come and see me and stay for a few days", I think of these two paragraphs in **. You may think that the contradictions and conflicts displayed in this do not seem to be as obvious as in the "clear miso soup". It looks doubly lukewarm, and it makes us doubly chaoticWhat's the problem? Is there really a problem with this? Kim Ji-yoon mentioned in the book: "The reason why mother-daughter relationships are often ignored as a problem is that mothers' expressions are not entirely violent. Because mothers are gentle and kind, selfless and helpless. No one would think that the mother was only worried and loving her daughter, and that there was no violence. What's more, a mother's love is sometimes so subtle that she doesn't even notice the problem. She pointed out that the "clear miso soup" style of expressing love "gradually becomes a fixed pattern after my mother is in her youth, like a car driving on a highway without exits." The human brain's acceptance and adaptation to changes in relationships slows down with age. Therefore, if mothers are unable to face up to and overcome the problems between their children in middle age, they will fall into the abyss of conflict in old age, which will further deteriorate the relationship. The mother clings to her daughter like the scorching sun that rises every day......As a daughter, I just want to avoid the scorching sun." 
Why do the stills of "Little Huanxi" want to jump out of the scope of mother's understanding.
When I was a child, our "fairy tale brain" firmly believed that the pain of all daughters in this world came from their vicious stepmothers, and they hated each other. But the reality is that there are many daughters who love their mothers deeply, but they still suffer because of their mothers, and at the same time, their mothers love her deeply. Ryomi Suzuki said of her mother in her essay collection "Bouquet for Love and the Womb": My good friends and I are in a similar situation, we all have the kind of mother who does not shout "stop talking nonsense and clean the stairs" when the child has a fever and is sick, and only makes porridge for the sick, and the mother who still supports her child 100% financially until she enters high school. My mother prepared a warm bed, cleaned our messy room, and even though she sometimes scolded us, she never poisoned her child, drove her child to a cold tin storage hut for the night, and never thought of abandoning her child to a corner of the mountain. Generally speaking, the misfortune of people like us is indescribable, vague, and lukewarm. It may be difficult to call it unfortunate, but it just can't get rid of it. She described this "misfortune" as "ambiguous and unspeakable, but also perfectly measured". Ryomi Suzuki used to be a reporter for the Nikkei Shimbun, but she also took the time to go to *** to accompany the drink, and after leaving her job as a reporter, she found a club to work and worked as a ** actress. She responded to the so-called "unfortunate" by actively jumping into such a life trajectory. In my book, "Beginning at the Limit: A Feminist Reciprocal Letter," which includes her year-long correspondence with Chizuruko Ueno, I read that her entry into the sex industry was related to her mother's disgust and refusal to understand the world. My mother often had a sentence on her lips: "If you are caught for fraud or terrorist activities, I will do my best to stand with you." If you want to be a ** actress, then forget it. ”
Mother" stills, just as Chizuruko Ueno said-It is the daughter who can see through the mother's "seemingly reasonable but contradictory contradictions" the most, and it is also the daughter who is teased by these contradictions. What Ryomi Suzuki sees through is that her mother strongly rejects "femininity", but at the same time, she also has a slightly unusual tendency towards appearance supremacy. Mother was absolutely aware of the male gaze, but never actually traded it. My mother wanted to be spotted by a scout, but she would never agree. and the mother who obviously aspires to be the most expensive commodity, but despises those women who actually sell themselves. This made Ryomi Suzuki very uncomfortable, so she sold herself completely. "It's a bit reckless, but it's also an attempt to dispel the uncomfortable feeling. At first, she didn't know how much of a thought it was about "wanting to go beyond my mother's understanding," or how much of it was about "I wanted to understand what my mother most violently denied, refused to understand, and didn't want to explain logically." And 2016, the year she left the sex industry, was the year her mother died. She said that on the one hand, she was busy taking care of her mother, and then she had to take care of the aftermath, and on the other hand, she was motivated by the idea of "listening to her advice at the last moment of her mother". But the truth is that as soon as she finds her mother gone, the attraction of the night shift and the meaning of her being in the "night world" are immediately discounted. Until the end of her life, the mother refused to understand her daughter's behavior. She said to her daughter: "The reason why I can't forgive you is because I love my daughter, I love it very much, I can't stop loving it, and you hurt my daughter's body and heart, and you are still indifferent." Why are you bullying my daughter? "My daughter's path to happiness was originally very wide, but now it has been blocked by you. ”
Fireworks People" stills as the mother's doppelganger.
In my opinion, the most intriguing of these words of Ryomi Suzuki's mother is the transformation of the person. In the mother's mouth, "Why are you bullying my daughter? Who is that "you"? The mother speaks to her daughter, but she deliberately separates "you" from "my daughter", and even pits them against each other. When a daughter is split in two in this way, it is actually the mother who sees one of the daughters as herself, or as her doppelganger. Kim Ji-yoon said that her daughter is not her mother's twin sister, but she seems to be born at a different time, not a doppelganger but also a doppelganger, like some kind of incarnation. Mothers will pass on their unfulfilled dreams to their daughters, dress them up as they like, and make their daughters do things they can't do on their own. When she asked her daughters, "Is there a moment when your mother makes you feel like you're her doppelganger", the daughters' sharing involves appearance, personality, etc., covering a wide range of fields. For example: the mother is very introverted, but the daughter is very extroverted - "Why are you so flustered, like whom?" The mother is in a hurry, but the daughter is introverted - "Why are you so unconfident?" Open your shoulders. The mother is very diligent, but the daughter is unhurried—"Why are you so slow?" How will you live in the future if you are so lazy? The mother is very indifferent, but the daughter is very diligent - "Hey, relax." Why are you so desperate? In her survey, one mother even stipulated that her daughter could only show 6 teeth when she smiled, and whenever her daughter forgot the stubble and laughed, she would pinch her face to remind her of the toothy standard for smiling: "6, 6!" "The mother uses her own standards as the rule, and examines her daughter all the time. 
Zhang Weiguo's Summer" stills Jin Zhiyun thinks,When women of the mother's generation get married and have children, there is no room for self-growth other than the roles of mother, wife, and daughter-in-law. They will subconsciously expand themselves to their most psychologically intimate daughters。Generally speaking, mothers are often unaware of their closeness to their daughters, so it is difficult to realize that they are individuals with different personalities, and that their daughters need to be psychologically independent for their growth. The mother could not recognize her desire to control others, or she was aware but unable to control it. And the daughters did not know that they were the doppelgangers of their mothers for a long time, and usually began to rebel when they were in their 30s and had a certain economic foundation. But it is difficult for such a daughter to have strong self-esteem for the rest of her life. Chizuruko Ueno once lamented in a reply to Ryomi Suzuki that the relationship between "mother and daughter" is not only influenced by the mother's ability, but also closely related to the daughter's own ability. Among the many daughters who are firmly bound by their mothers with great love and wisdom, there are certainly those who are unable to gain self-awareness and even embark on the path of self-destruction. I've found that when we talk to friends about our relationship with our mothers, even if we're talking to the same person as a daughter, we still use a prefix to emphasize our ignorance or to prevent the other person's disapproval—"I don't know if our relationship is bad......"Maybe there really is a mother and daughter who have a very good relationship, but we ......Chizuruko Ueno once wrote when she traced her mother: "Until now, I did not believe that there was a good mother-daughter relationship in the world. "Maybe every daughter has been circling such words in their hearts. As daughters, we know that even if the mother-daughter relationship is calm on the surface, there will inevitably be undercurrent battles. No matter how attached and proud the mother and daughter are, there will be moments when they dislike each other and even want to escape, no matter how close they are, there are always some topics that cannot be discussed. When talking about the relationship between mother and daughter, Kim Ji Yoon will emphasize that the psychological formation of mother and daughter has a variety of backgrounds. In fact, the mother-daughter relationship is not only a problem between mother and daughter, but also a relationship with family, husband, children, and both parents, and coexists with the deep-rooted problems brought about by the social background in which they live. Both mothers and daughters are women, love each other, and hover between interference and love together. 