Article** Huaizuo.
In the last article on recommended books, I mentioned "Intimate Relationships", and I felt that it was not introduced enough, and because this book is a theoretical book, it may put many people off.
In fact, it is really not difficult to read, as long as you are a little patient, careful, and think about it in connection with life and personal experience, you will find that this book is very valuable, and it explains a lot of abstract things very thoroughly.
If you want to know about intimacy, if you are confused in your relationship and ask me to recommend a book, and you can only recommend one, I recommend this book "Intimacy".
PS: Look for the cover and the author's name, there are several books with the same name.
Show me the table of contents, which covers a wide range of content and is full of information.
Next, I will talk about it in three points, hoping that through today's article, you can understand this book. If you are interested, you can read it after reading the article.
1. Why should we learn about intimacy?
As I said in an article before, I said that love is actually a kind of thingDesireWe hope to gain companionship, gain dependence, and desire to be better through love. In "One Hundred Years of Solitude", Márquez ** the lonely nature of human beings, and love is the key that people yearn for and can take people out of loneliness.
Everyone yearns for a beautiful love, even if a person who has made up his mind to be single for a lifetime, he has been or in the bottom of his heart, he also yearns.
By nature, humans are very social creatures, and no one can live entirely on their own. A central part of human society is the need for intimacy.
We need to be recognized, accepted, cared for, loved, respected, and we need to be acknowledged, loved, and respected, and when these needs are focused on one person, that person is our ideal lover. From this point of view, love is a kind of emotion that we create, and it is an ideal power to perfect ourselves.
I remember when I saw the love story when I was a child, I would have a warm and down-to-earth feeling in my heart, imagining that the protagonist in the story would be happy from now on, and there would be no more troubles, so I also had a yearning, hoping that I could live that kind of life in the future.
Beautiful love is an ideal that can bring infinite happiness to people and drive away all troubles.
Why do we need to be in contact with others, and why do we need to build this kind of happy relationship with others? At this point, we need to go back to the history of human development and dig out the reasons. In the early days, the living environment of human beings was harsh, and a single person could not survive, so people huddled together to keep warm, and formed tribes to survive.
In this way, in nature, gregarious people have a better chance of surviving than ungregarious people. Natural selection, survival of the fittest, soThe tendency to build stable, continuous, and loving relationships with others has survived with human evolution to this day
In connection with life, have you found that we need the recognition of others, we need to see the evaluation of others to do things, and we are eager to get more support and praise.
This is a tendency, but also a desire, and no one can jump out. No matter how strong a person is, even if he says that he doesn't need the approval of others, he actually doesn't need the recognition of this part of the people, but needs the recognition of that small group of people.
OK, intimacy is really important, we all know and experience it to a greater or lesser extent, and many of us are confident that we know it perfectly. The question is, what is the need to learn?
Through this book, we can systematically and rationally understand the various elements of intimacy, because our own experience is determined by the experience of intimacy that we experience, and there must be limitations in it.
Jumping out to learn and looking at it rationally is of great benefit to us in managing intimate relationships throughout our lives.
Second, start with attractiveness
There is an interesting word in the book, which is called reward meaning. Attraction is based on rewarding experiences with others.
To put it in layman's terms, ieWhen we get along with others, we can bring benefits to them, make people feel comfortable, and attraction is generated. Specifically, there are two types of rewards, direct rewards and indirect rewards. Direct rewards include emotional value, attention and approval, monetary status, and intelligence and beauty; Indirect rewards include benefits for the future, for future generations, etc.
Love is also utilitarian, and there is no unconditional love, otherwise why don't you love the second fool who has a halazi at the head of our village.
Boldly admit utilitarianism, we all look for objects with a purpose, and the so-called motivation is also to feel that our preset needs can be satisfied.
In terms of attractiveness, let's talk about two specific factors.
1. Distance
Distance is very important, the people we choose to be with are basically the people around us, even if it is a long-distance relationship, it is because we have been in contact with each other first. How can we be together without contact, and if we have contact, face-to-face is the most efficient.
Take friends as an example, have you found that when you were in school before, you had a good relationship, but later because of the difference in distance, experience, and occupation, you gradually broke off contact. In fact, it is not that there is a problem in the relationship, the main reason is the distance. In a city or a county, it's okay to make an appointment to sit down, but it's not practical to sit at a distance.
Relationships are most valuable when they are face-to-face. You can relate to the emotional value, attention, materialism, and so on that I just mentioned, which is very understandable. In turn, the distance is very far away and the reward value is minimal.
Although communication and transportation are so developed now, **and** can't compare to meet, and the cost of running back and forth over long distances is also large.
2. Like each other
We actually prefer people who like us too. If you like it, you will be rewarded, no one is stupid, everyone will not do things that are not rewarded, what we pursue is the partner who is most likely to repay us. Even the combination of licking the dog and the male and female gods is also the one who licks, and in anticipation, I feel that there will be huge returns in the future.
No matter how fierce the pursuit is, there is a limit, if you can't catch up, or if you figure it out, there is really no return, and the enthusiasm will fade.
In addition, we prefer people who are similar to us, because there is similarity, there will be much less friction in the relationship, and there will be more topics to communicate, confide, and deepen the relationship. Some people say that they want to find a different partner, but in fact, the difference is partial, and the similarity must be there.
If it's completely different and you can't communicate at all, you wash your face with facial cleanser, and I wash my hair with laundry soap, so it's no wonder if we don't fight.
See, take it apart, love is not so mysterious.
3. Cognition of intimacy
In the past, when I was in chemistry class, there was a little story in it, saying that Napoleon would know that aluminum was a scarce commodity, and the nobles took aluminum cups to represent dignity. From this story, I found that what is valuable and what has a meaning is determined by the number of things and by people's general perceptions.
Similar to diamond rings, the ancients did not have diamond rings when they got married, and there was no such thing at that time, and there was no concept of diamond rings symbolizing love, but they still got married.
What I further think of is that in fact, our understanding of love, what we see and imitate on behalf of love are actually a kind of general convention in society, and what we do is simply imitate. Society sets a set of paradigms in advance, and we learn to either do it or innovate moderately.
When my parents got married, the things they sent were watches, sewing machines or something, but now, they have changed, which shows that the things they send have phases and times, and they are not fixed.
To sum it up:Our cognition is not formed purely spontaneously, but under the influence of acquired society.
That's why I recommend this book, because through the study of various theories, we can have a perspective of thinking outside the box and rationally, re-looking at intimacy, examining our understanding, thinking about social concepts, and thus having a more comprehensive understanding.
Let's talk about two cognitions related to intimacy, and let's feel it.
1. Idealization of the partner. When we first find a partner, our satisfaction with our partner depends on how close he is to us, and the closer we are, the more satisfied we are.
So what influences presets?
Cognition determines presupposition and understanding.
2. Attribution. Attribution refers to the explanations that people come up with for why things happen. Cognitive impact attribution, attribution affects understanding and behavior. For example, if there is a quarrel, some people think that it is inappropriate, and the relationship is not good; Some people will analyze the reason after calming down, communicate with two people, find problems and improve them.
The attribution patterns of both partners affect their satisfaction with intimacy.
What I want to show through these two examples is that we actually have a lot of presuppositions in our minds, which are influenced by the outside world, and then we use these presuppositions to look at intimacy, to look at partners, and even to look at everything. After understanding this, what we need to do more is to jump out and examine those presuppositions, how they came to be, what makes sense and what doesn't.
Thoroughly understand and choose the best.
Thorough and rational cognition can help us have a comprehensive perspective, help us learn to grasp the big and let go of the small, and seek progress in a stable and stable relationship.
Summary
The above are the three points I shared, in fact, there are many wonderful points in the book waiting for us to learn. In this article, even if I introduce this book to you, I hope you can read it for yourself.
I've been reading it for the third time recently, and if you find it difficult or want to communicate with me, you are welcome to come and talk to me.