No matter how independent women are preached outside, in my opinion, independent women are a kind of PUA for women.
Maybe in the process of pursuing independence, you seem to be very strong, but in fact you are very lacking in your heart.
Because language is the defense of behavior**, the more you shout at someone who others can't rely on, the more the fear of the relationship is exposed behind it.
In other words, you have to choose independence because you are afraid of being rejected, afraid that outsiders will not be able to accept your true self, and afraid that others will hurt you.
This forced independence is also defined in psychology as pseudo-independence.
Pseudo-independence is a defense mechanism developed based on the attachment domain.
At a young age, when the child expresses intimacy and dependence on the caregiver, if the caregiver can feel and is willing to respond and satisfy, then the child will know that his needs are normal and that he is good and accepted.
When they grow up, they are able to express their needs, trust others, trust themselves, and build intimate relationships on their own.
Conversely, if the caregiver ignores, dislikes, rejects, and is angry about the child's attachment and intimacy needs, then the child will experience disappointment, grievance, and severe attachment trauma.
This leads to one of the three unhealthy personality states.
What is the first one?
People who don't believe they are worthy of love and don't dare to rely on others.
She often has a strong obsession with excellence, because she thinks in her heart that she is only beautiful, only handsome, only rich, others will like her, and if she is not good enough, she will be abandoned.
Most of this disagreement with self-worth is based on the relationship pattern with parents in the early years.
For example, if a child is strict from an early age, her personal needs are likely to be ignored because her parents only need her to follow their plan and ask her to be obedient and sensible.
That's how parents are happy. Once she doesn't do well one day, her parents will be extremely angry. Growing up in this neglected environment for a long time, she may be able to become an excellent child of someone else's family.
But no matter how much she has achieved, she has always had a very fragile sense of self-esteem inside her.
They will think that the only thing they can rely on in this world is themselves.
So after she enters an intimate relationship, she will still tighten a string and desperately try to disguise that she has no way to relax, and then show a cold and detached behavior state.
The second is not to believe that others can be relied on
People who have been traumatized by love in their early years, because they have not built a sense of trust and security in the process of getting along with their parents, it is difficult for them to trust the world when they grow up, and they will think that no one in this world is trustworthy.
For example, when you were sick when you were young, your mother accused you of "you are a troublemaker" while taking you to the hospital.
For example, when you are most vulnerable and need to rely on the most, what you see is not the care and care of your parents, but their disgust, disgust and blame.
It's easy to equate dependency with being terrible and think that parents don't like you because of that.
It's hard for you to have an intimate relationship with someone because you're afraid that they'll treat you like a parent after you are who you really are and what you need, and think that you're not independent is the worst, and you'll stay away, or even go to the other extreme.
It is to choose someone who is not trustworthy at all to be with and enter into a relationship that will be abandoned at any time.
Because then you won't expect anything from this person, and you will naturally avoid disappointment.
The third is to feel ashamed of your sense of need
People who have experienced trauma in attachment often have a strong sense of shame about the need for help from others, and even when it comes to intimacy, they still can't rely on their partner with confidence.
Whenever I share my inner vulnerability and true thoughts with my partner, I am always in a state of careful suppression because I am afraid that I will annoy the other party by confiding and asking too much, and I am afraid that the other party will feel that I am very bad when I see my greedy and vulnerable self.
In essence, it is actually forcing yourself to meet the expectations of others, to present an image of being reliable, friendly, and unwanted, which is actually a consumption of your true self, and you fall into an infinite exhaustion.
After a long time, you will have an idea, it's good to be alone, why do you have to fall in love?
You may be preached by a one-sided independence, so you completely lock up your love and really lose the ability to love others
Dependence is actually an instinct of our human beings, and people themselves are the real independence of social animals, and it is definitely not the instinct to suppress you. On the contrary, independence should be free, and you can choose to be alone or choose to have a reciprocal relationship with others.
Independence is when you realize that you have a desire to depend, and then choose someone you can rely on.
Satisfy your desire to depend on yourself and make yourself a more complete and true individual, and you have always had the ability to leave because of love, or the choice of leaving is in your own hands.
So the first step to true independence is to learn to express your sense of need.
I know it's especially hard for a lot of people, because a lot of times when you start trying to express your needs, and you don't get enough response, the attachment trauma activates.
But we never take the first step, how do you really get out of this quagmire of false independence? Those attempts may fail, and we need to heal ourselves, but if we succeed once, maybe we can truly enjoy the love and sorrow of intimacy.
At the same time, we also need to know that dependence is actually an instinct of our human beings, no one is perfect, we make mistakes, we need help and guidance from others, which is why we need to build relationships.