Attachment impairment is the detail that kills love

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It's not a small thing, your emotions are real, not hypocritical.

Do you often feel similar in an intimate relationship?

I often feel insecure, but I don't dare to take the initiative to express it, for fear of being said to be hypocritical;

Worried about affecting the other person's emotional experience, I would rather wronged myself and be depressed;

Learn to get used to being alone when you don't get company, but always feel lost;

Worried, afraid of being abandoned, thinking of the bad in everything;

Occasionally, I want to simply break up, but I can't make up my mind and can't do without.

Attachment impairment in intimate relationships

The concept of attachment injury, first proposed by Johnson et al. (2001) in a clinical study of marriage counseling, refers to the fact that in an intimate relationship, when one party's needs are not met and one party feels left out, betrayed or abandoned, the injury is formed.

But how do you define damage?If I just neglect it because I'm busy with work, or if I'm emotionally unstable for a while, does that hurt too?

The determination of attachment impairment usually stems from two points.

1.Attachment in an intimate relationship is accompanied by high expectations, and when each expectation is disappointed, although the relationship continues, the invisible wounds that form will continue to affect the relationship for the rest of the relationship, such as putting away hopes, no longer expecting, and not making demands. It seems to be "mature and sensible", but it actually lowers the rating and expectations.

2.Attachment impairment has little to do with what exactly happened, and what the person feels is crucial. Due to the different needs of both parties in an intimate relationship, there will be a gap in expectations, so in some places where both parties think they can tacitly agree, different expectations are often formed, and the result is easy to create a situation of "small things are not small" - I think it is a small thing, and you see it as extremely important. Things don't matter, feelings are the key.

There is no right or wrong feelingEspecially when attachment damage occurs but is accused of making a big fuss, it is very likely that the person concerned will be harmed twice, and eventually the relationship that could have been repaired will break down on the spot.

How to tell if you have suffered an attachment injury

1.When you feel hurt. Intimacy is accompanied by a high level of trust and security, the nature of which is destined to be more demanding on both partners, to the point of becoming "demanding". The hurt doesn't have to be so deep that you are betrayed, even if you don't get a hug when you want the other person to be with you, and you feel hurt, it will form an attachment injury.

2.When you retract expectations. Some people say that falling in love can make people naïve, and that's because in intimate relationships we are free to be ourselves and don't need to be cautious, which is psychologically called regressive and shows strong dependence. On the contrary, when you retract your expectations, stop making demands, and become polite, it is because you are afraid of getting hurt and dare not be coquettish.

3.When you have self-doubt. People who have experienced attachment damage will have self-doubt, because people have attribution tendencies, when there is a conflict and you dare not blame the other party, you will wonder if you think too much, too sensitive, forcibly suppress the inner uneasiness, and get used to finding reasons from yourself, and in severe cases, it will evolve into an inferiority complex, thinking that people like yourself are not worthy of love.

How to repair attachment damage

1.Acknowledge your feelings.

Feelings need to be faced, admit that I care, that is, I feel hurt, even if it is a small thing, it is not because of hypocrisy, but because I have such negative emotions. Only by facing the trauma can it be repaired, forcibly suppressing emotions is just denying the most essential and core self, and avoiding the problem will make the problem worse.

2.Be brave enough to express your needs.

I feel sad now, I want you to be with me, just hug me."

By expressing your emotions and needs positively, tell your partner what kind of support you want to get, don't let the other person guess, whether you want to do it is the other person's problem, you have to be brave enough to express it, and don't hide the hurt because you are afraid of rejection.

3.Make your choice.

If the other person still doesn't respond after you are brave enough to express it, and the next time you encounter a similar incident, you still feel hurt repeatedly, you need to talk to the other person formally about how to establish a new relationship and repair your sense of security.

Or, you may decide whether to lower your expectations or leave when you don't get a response.

Stay away from people who will make you fall into endless internal friction, and before that, you can work hard to fix it, make sure that you are positive enough to face it, try your best to have a clear conscience, and if it still doesn't work, then don't burn it out, don't make a fool of yourself.

About the Author:

HazukiInterest is to observe human beings and give you another perspective and attitude towards feelings.

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