Author: Xiao Shipage (Parent Intensive Reading Author).
On Zhihu, someone asked: What should I do if my child takes away a few toys when he leaves, and my child resists and keeps crying?
A high praise replied: This is not your child's problem, it is the problem between you and the other party, what kind of parents have what kind of children.
Yes, this answer is clear.
The child's resistance and crying are because the toys are forcibly taken away under the noses of the parents, but they cannot stop them.
Having lost something beloved, the child desperately resists; In the face of the child's reaction, parents think that the child should be enlightened.
Parents think that their children should share, but they don't understand how aggrieved and painful their children are when they are forced to share.
I agree with this sentence:
Children who are always forced to share by their parents, children who don't like but dare not say 'no', will have more and more grievances in the years to come. ”
This kind of education is not advisable, and for children, it is also a lifelong injury.
How painful is the heart of a child who is forced to share?
Netizen Linlin shared his story.
When I was a child, as long as there were children who liked their things, my mother would give them them, and if she showed displeasure, my mother would say that she was stingy and selfish.
After a long time, those things that seem to belong to you do not actually belong to you, but everything that everyone can dispose of at will.
There is also netizen Maizi who has the same experience, but his approach is very different.
When his mom asked him to be forced to share, he didn't hesitate to drop them, just to keep them from being available.
Some people say that not being able to protect their own things is a strong sense of frustration.
In the child's heart, that helplessness is deep and clear, and it will follow like a shadow for a lifetime.
There is such a scene in the variety show "After School", where the cousin of the boy Gao Zihao came to the house as a guest.
My cousin fell in love with Gao Zihao's beloved hug blanket and kept clamoring for it.
However, Gao Zihao turned around and didn't want to give.
Mom exclaimed, "Give it to my sister!" ”
No, it's mine. Zihao held on to it and refused to let go.
Why are you so selfish, this kid, my sister will give it back to you after playing. After speaking, my mother added: "You have to learn to share!" ”
Perhaps, in the world of adults, a child's toy and a biscuit are dispensable, and the child's liking is only three minutes of heat;
But in the eyes of children, this means not only toys, but their own favorites, their favorites, and nothing can replace them.
Parents teach their children to share, but they must never force them to share
Otherwise, it is not only the child's trust in the parents that will be lost, but more seriously, it may break down the parent-child relationship.
The child who didn't dare to refuse took care of everyone
But you can't be considerate of yourself
I've seen such a sentence:
In dealing with people, there is a kind of pain called "not knowing how to refuse".
I wasn't feeling well, but I went to a family reunion. ”
Faced with the request of a classmate or friend, I wanted to refuse, but finally agreed. ”
I finally mustered up the courage to refuse the other party, but I felt uncomfortable in my heart and felt a deep sense of guilt. ”
This kind of performance is often referred to by many as "good old people", but in fact, it is a kind of "".People-pleasing personality
"People-pleasing personality", simply put, does not know how to refuse, has no self, and what others say is what it is, and this kind of behavior is not only for adults, but also for children.
Ma Yili once said that she was too strict with her daughter's education, so that when her daughter went out, she didn't dare to say anything if she refused.
Once, my daughter chatted with her about playing with children in kindergarten, and there was a child who always liked to be a mother, but asked her to be a baby.
But she doesn't like to be a baby, and she doesn't dare to refuse other people's requests, for fear that children won't play with her.
Ma Yili said: "You can completely refuse. ”
Unbeknownst to her, her daughter whispered, "I don't dare." ”
At this moment, Ma Yili realized that her sensible and obedient daughter had always been so aggrieved in her heart.
Some people say that one of the reasons why children dare not refuse is "for fear that others will be unhappy".
In children's hearts, they care about the evaluation of others, desire to be recognized by others, and use this self-sacrifice to win the favor of others.
The Education of Love" said:
Children who blindly cater to the needs of others and do not know how to refuse may grow up to be a submissive person who is slaughtered by others. ”
Being forced to share a toy by parents at home and not daring to say "no"; When you go out to play, you can only endure in the face of your favorite game characters.
When I was a child, the generosity and humility demanded by my parents would eventually make the child aggrieved and flattered and sacrifice himself
In the Japanese drama "Sage's Love", the heroine Mayuko is a happy girl, a fiancé who loves each other, and a father with a successful career.
The neighbor's lily is a very scheming girl.,Every time she asks Mayuko for a doll or a necklace.,Mayuko doesn't know how to refuse.,Can only condone her greedy behavior again and again.。
In the end, Yuri is not satisfied, and has evil thoughts in her heart, and takes away Mayuko's fiancé, including her father and the villa.
When Mayuko was young, the most her parents said to her was "to share and be generous".
When she was dissatisfied and said no, she would be labeled as "stingy and selfish", and in this way, she slowly lost the courage to refuse.
Yes, those sensible and obedient children do make parents feel at ease, but who would have thought how helpless and disappointed children are?
Children who dare not refuse are considerate of everyone, but they are not able to be considerate of themselves.
Learning to say "no" is an important step towards independence
I've seen such a sentence:
Children who will not refuse will have a hard future. Children with this personality hide grievances in their hearts, lose themselves, and will be painful and depressed for the rest of their lives.
So, if you want to teach your child to be brave enough to say no, we might as well try the following three methods:
1. Not everything needs to be shared
An American mom took her son to a nearby park to play with a friend's daughter, and when her son played with the toy in his hand, he attracted 6 boys, and the children gathered around him and wanted him to share.
This made the little boy feel overwhelmed and asked his mother with a pleading look.
The mother saw that he didn't want to share, and instead of asking her children to share like most parents do, she said something like this:
If you don't want to, you can say no to them, just say no without having to explain
With his mother's support, the little boy decisively rejected the children.
And the children who were rejected came to complain to this mother, and she said to the children:
My child doesn't have to share it with you, unless he wants to. ”
Teaching children to share is important, but it's also important to know how to say no.
Blindly asking children to share not only hurts children, but also hurts the parent-child relationship.
2. Cultivate children's sense of autonomy and let them understand that "refusal" is not a kind of hostility
In life, do we often hear parents educate their children like this?
You have to be sensible and obedient, and your mother will love you. ”
Whatever your mother says, you can do it, and you are not allowed to refute it! ”
You talk back again, be careful that your mother is angry and doesn't want you. ”
Most of these manifestations are parents who deprive their children of their right to refuse when they are young, so that children form the habit of obeying and resigning themselves to their orders, even if it is wrong, they will not refuse.
I read a sentence: "The reason why a person is afraid of rejection is only because his cognition of rejection has always stayed at the unreasonable cognitive level of 'hostility', so he does not dare to refuse and has always retreated." ”
On the contrary, in the process of educating their children, parents should make it clear to them that refusal is not "hostile".It's just an idea, a feeling that expresses one's heart.
3. Say "no" out loud, you can
In the picture book "Let the Child Learn to Say "No", there is a little boy named Kyle, who every time Uncle Willy comes to his house and deliberately plays with him to tickle.
Uncle Weili didn't like this behavior very much, and it also caused him trouble, but because he was an elder, even if he hated it, he was embarrassed to refuse.
Once, he chatted with his mother about it, and her mother told him seriously: "The body is your own, if you don't allow it, others have no right to touch you." ”
Later, when Uncle Willy comes to Kyle's house to continue tickling him, he angrily says, "You've tickled too much, and it's making me very uncomfortable."
Originally, he thought that Uncle Weili would continue to tickle him, but he didn't expect Uncle Weili to listen to him.
This story teaches us that a "no" doesn't have to be hard to sayAs long as you feel uncomfortable and dissatisfied, speak up to let others know what they think.
You don't have to be afraid, worry about your face and wronged yourself, let yourself live a miserable and sad life, sometimes, "no" is also a kind of idea to protect yourself and make yourself respected.
The American writer M. Mocott Peck once said:
To love children is to respect them, their wishes and feelings, and their right to make decisions.
From the child's point of view, sharing or not is just a choice, not good or bad.
Forward-thinking parents will respect their children's decisions, care about their children's feelings, and do not force their children to share
What we want to do is to create a healthy and happy growth environment for children, trees and flowers, so that they can spread their wings and fly freely on the road of life.
May we all be parents who respect their children and allow them to refuse.
About the author: Little Stone Page, rich book author, love to write, enjoy writing, like to write more about the spiritual world on the road of children's growth, a person If you want to succeed, not be blocked, not be **, this is the shielding force, article: Parents' evolutionary theory, Fushu launched a new book "Shielding Power", the copyright of this article belongs to Fushu, without authorization, it is not allowed, and infringement must be investigated.
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