During the Mid-Autumn Festival in 1995, an apartment in Los Angeles was filled with an air of exotic melancholy. That day, the landlord of the apartment came to the door of a skinny old Chinese lady, only to be surprised to find that she had not been seen for a long time. The landlord had a sense of foreboding and hurriedly called the police.
The Los Angeles police quickly arrived at the scene, gently opened the door to the apartment, and they were taken aback by what they saw. Lying on the only marching bed against the wall, with a gray-blue blanket underneath, is the female writer Zhang Ailing, who has been dead for many days. She was dressed in an elegant cheongsam, and her body lay peacefully, but her life was long gone. The cause of death was confirmed to be cardiovascular arteriosclerosis, and the life of this talented woman finally ended in a foreign country at the age of 75.
When Zhang Ailing was alive, she was undoubtedly a superstar in the literary world, but she was a lonely soul. There are no relatives around her, and only a few close friends can share emotions with her. However, fortunately, she left behind a touching suicide note, which mentions her best friend Lin Shitong during her lifetime. This suicide note conveys deep friendship and highlights the special bond between her and Lin Shitong.
The police found Lin Shitong, who was the only one who had witnessed Zhang Ailing's remains. Lin Shitong came to the apartment with a sad heart. He walked into the room and looked at Zhang Ailing lying quietly on the bed, his heart was full of thoughts and memories.
That day, I entered the room and saw Eileen Chang lying on that bed. She looked serenely covered with the gray-blue blanket underneath her. Her body had become very thin, and I could see the shadow of her youth. The warm fluorescent lamp in the room was still on, illuminating her pale face ......"
Lin Shitong couldn't help but burst into tears, recalling the bits and pieces of the past with Zhang Ailing. They were best friends when they were young, pursued their literary dreams together, and experienced many joys and sorrows together. Time has inexorably dragged them into different life trajectories, separating them.
In Shanghai in 1920, a couple from a famous family ushered in a lovely baby girl, she was Zhang Ailing. Born in a famous family, she seems to have been born destined to write a brilliant chapter in her life.
Eileen Chang's childhood was full of joy and sunshine. Wealthy family, loving parents, and servant care made her live a carefree life. She showed unusual talent at a young age, she could recite famous poems before she was three years old, and dared to try to write ** at the age of seven.
Her happy times didn't last long. The father began to degenerate, obsessed with smoking and taking concubines, and her mother Huang Suqiong couldn't bear this infidelity, so she took Zhang Ailing's younger brother and chose to leave, leaving only the young Zhang Ailing at home.
The loss of her mother left Zhang Ailing's heart greatly traumatized. The joyful atmosphere of her childhood is gone, and only loneliness and helplessness remain. After her father remarried, her stepmother was quite unfriendly to her and her younger brother Sun Yongfan, and Zhang Ailing had a fierce quarrel with her father because she was dissatisfied with her stepmother's attitude. Eventually, on a wrackish night, she decided to flee from her family's misery and break off her father's friendship once and for all.
The shadow of the lack of father's love in childhood was deeply imprinted in the depths of Zhang Ailing's heart, affecting her future emotional choices and mate selection concepts. In the process of finding love and being loved, she always has difficulty letting go of the pain of her childhood, and is afraid of being hurt again.
After Zhang Ailing left home, she reunited with her mother. She hoped to get a little love and warmth by her mother's side, but the reality disappointed her. Initially, the mother and daughter got along fairly well, but as time went on, the distance between the two became more and more distant.
The financial constraints gave her a choice between getting married or studying. Zhang Ailing firmly chose to study, and she is determined to realize her big dreams through her own efforts. Her dreams have been thwarted, and the most painful thing for her is the fact that her mother lost her scholarship for gambling.
The divorce of her parents and the indifference and selfishness of her mother made Zhang Ailing have a deep resentment and resentment towards her mother. After the death of her mother many years later, Zhang Ailing decided to refuse to be seen for the last time, and the hatred in her heart made her unwilling to have anything to do with her mother again.
On an autumn afternoon in Shanghai, a young girl walks through the streets with a light step. She is Zhang Ailing, the talented woman who is destined to write her masterpieces.
Zhang Ailing's childhood was not as happy as people imagined. Hidden under the surface of a wealthy family lies complex family feelings. The fall of her father and the departure of her mother gave her a bitter taste of growing up early. Her heart is always empty, longing for the nourishment of father's love and mother's love, but she never gets it.
At the age of 11, she entered the aristocratic school Santa Maria Girls' School. There, she found a haven from her family's pain. She is immersed in the ocean of literature, reading the Dream of Red Mansions, writing modern Dream of Red Mansions, and her words have become her wings to get rid of her fetters, allowing her to soar freely in her own world.
A happy childhood was not her company. Her life, as Sanmao said, is to use her whole life to ** childhood. Even when she entered college, she could not completely let go. Until this moment, she is still burdened with the pain of childhood, and the loneliness and disappointment in her heart have never dissipated.
In college, although she showed a lively and youthful side, her heart was still fragile. She worked hard to surpass herself and find true self-affirmation. With excellent grades and talent, she proved her worth to the world.
The twists and turns of life have made the relationship between her and her brother gradually weaken. The younger brother tried to reconnect with his sister, but was treated with indifference. Even after her death, she left little inheritance to her brother.
Perhaps, Zhang Ailing's heart has long become a hard fortress, she tried to protect herself, but she also kept the people closest to her out of the door. All she did may just be to find her own piece of pure land in this world.
Even so, her work and talent remain in people's hearts forever. She used words to express her inner emotions, grasped the pulse of the times, and became a generation of literary superstars. Although she is lonely in her heart, she has achieved the spiritual sustenance of many readers.
In that era full of whirlpools, Zhang Ailing is a bright star, and she knows that as a woman, she must grasp her own survival in the torrent of fate. And her survival tool is her unique talent for writing.
In 1942, Zhang Ailing returned to Shanghai and entered St. John's University. Soon after, the difficult pressures of life forced her to leave her studies behind and devote herself to writing. Fortunately, in 1943, more than a dozen of her articles were published, which caused a sensation in the literary world.
Just when Zhang Ailing was becoming famous, an important man broke into her life - Hu Lancheng, which became a scar in her heart that can never be erased.
In May 1944, Hu Lancheng, in his capacity as the deputy director of the Propaganda Department of Wang Puppet, published an article "Commenting on Zhang Ailing", praising Zhang Ailing for bringing the world a healthy, clear and indestructible vitality. This text has personal feelings, and it is said that the two were already in love at that time. It is rumored that Hu Lancheng became in love with Zhang Ailing's work "Blockade", and it is also said that Hu Lancheng became acquainted with Zhang Ailing to escape the war.
It can be said that he understands Zhang Ailing and makes her deeply involved, regardless of the social pressure and controversy brought about by his identity. Zhang Ailing even gave Hu Lancheng a ** of her own, and wrote a moving confession on the back:
When I met you, I became very low, low, all the way down to the dust, but my heart rejoiced, and a flower bloomed there. ”
Is it true that a woman who lacks love, especially a woman who lacks father's love, meets an older man she likes? She seemed to have fallen into his arms, desperate for anything. If the other party is worth it, then maybe it's lucky; But if the other party is a scumbag, it will be a tragedy. Unfortunately, Hu Lancheng falls into the latter category.
In August 1944, Hu Lancheng finally divorced his second wife, and Zhang Ailing signed a marriage letter with him, but no ceremony was held. The changes of the times, the betrayal of feelings, in the end, there is no escape.
In the following November, Hu Lancheng left for Hubei and left Shanghai. Before leaving, he said euphemistically: "The coming day will be difficult, the mouth is dry and the lips are dry, and you should like to enjoy today's happiness." ”
For him, fun and pleasure have become commonplace, and Eileen Chang seems to be just a passerby in his life. Zhang Ailing understood and accepted it all.
Sure enough, Hu Lancheng met a new woman in Hubei, Zhou Xunde, who was only 17 years old. She was young and beautiful, as delicate as a jewel. When Hu Lancheng returned to Shanghai in March 1945, he took the initiative to tell Zhang Ailing about this fact.
Zhang Ailing's loyal love collapsed in an instant. She once thought that Hu Lancheng was joking, but the fact that she collapsed even more was behind.
In 1945, Japan was defeated and surrendered, Hu Lancheng fled to Zhuji, Zhejiang, and fell in love with Fan Xiumei, the mother of the Qi family, Fan Xiumei sent him to Wenzhou, and the two became husband and wife.
Hu Lancheng ruined his three views, fled all the way, got married all the way, and completely ignored the feelings of the women who were married to him, especially the sensitive and delicate Zhang Ailing.
After Zhang Ailing learned that Hu Lancheng was in Wenzhou, she rushed non-stop, but encountered an embarrassing scene.
When two women met a man, the scene was embarrassing for a while, which surprised Zhang Ailing. And Fan Xiumei simply said a few words, and turned Zhang Ailing into Hu Lancheng's ex-wife, not even a wife, at most just a friend.
Zhang Ailing, who is not good at words, was completely defeated in front of Fan Xiumei. Hu Lancheng was silent at this time, unable to leave the place of refuge, nor able to say sorry to her lover Zhang Ailing in front of him.
On the day Zhang Ailing left, it was raining in the sky, and it seemed to be unfair for her. She said to Hu Lancheng faintly
You don't want to. I thought that even if I had to leave you, I would never seek short-sightedness, and I would never love anyone else. I'm going to just wither. ”
will not seek short-sightedness, no longer love others", this is Zhang Ailing's last stubbornness and loyalty to Hu Lancheng's love.
Perhaps, one of the reasons why Hu Lancheng betrayed Zhang Ailing's love was to find a safe haven for his escape. This selfish man, whenever and wherever he is, always thinks only of himself.
As a smart and thoughtful generation of talented women, Zhang Ailing must draw a successful end to this love.
In 1947, she wrote a breakup letter to Hu Lancheng, who was on the run:
I don't like you anymore, and you don't like me anymore......Don't come to me, even if you write a letter, I won't read it. ”
Zhang Ailing also attached a breakup fee of 300,000 yuan. This 300,000 yuan is undoubtedly the last stubbornness of a talented woman in love: it's not that you don't want me, but that I disdain to be with you. She resolutely ended this tortuous relationship and declared independence and strength in her own way.
After breaking up with Hu Lan, Zhang Ailing fell into an emotional trough, and it was not until she met Sang Arc that she fell in love again. In the end, this relationship was just a love, and the other party chose to marry a woman outside the circle.
After two abandonments, Chang's creative enthusiasm gradually faded, and she left Shanghai in 1952 for Hong Kong to recuperate, but after a setback in her career, she moved to the United States in 1955.
Her life in the United States was not satisfactory and she was struggling financially. Fortunately, at the age of 36, she met the playwright Lai Ya, who was 29 years older than her, and the two shared a love of literature, and Lai Ya also brought the warmth and care that women need for Zhang Ailing.
Lai Ya was married and had a daughter, but he was free-spirited by nature and unwilling to be bound by marriage until he met Zhang Ailing at the age of 65.
Perhaps, Zhang Ailing herself has a father-love complex, and this time she met Lai Ya, both of them had a sense of déjà vu, and then their relationship heated up rapidly. After only two months of acquaintance, Lai Ya wrote in her diary: "Go to the hut and spend the night together. ”
This love that crosses ages and borders comes too fast.
Not long after, Zhang Ailing became pregnant, so the two got married in New York. From acquaintance and love to marriage, it took less than half a year. But there is no fixed pattern of love, and for them, such a speed is normal.
Lai Ya is a playwright with a deep understanding of movies, and Zhang Ailing also turned her frustration to film scripts. With the help of Lai Ya, the movie script written by Zhang Ailing was quite a hit.
In the years after marriage, Zhang Ailing concentrated on writing scripts to support her family, while Lai Ya took care of all the housework.
As time passed, the lives of the two became more and more embarrassing. Zhang Ailing was worried that she would not be able to support her child, so she had to kill her pregnant child. Lai Ya is old and seriously ill, Zhang Ailing can only run for life, and even has to run back to China to raise money, and write articles day and night to make money to pay for Lai Ya's treatment.
She was so tired that her legs were swollen and her eyes were bleeding, but she never gave up. In the end, Lai Ya passed away, and that year, Zhang Ailing was 47 years old.
This relationship between the old husband and the young wife finally came to an end. In the precipitation of the years, Zhang Ailing and Lai Ya accompany each other and encourage each other, but after all, they are destined to have a moment of separation. At that time, others may not be able to understand it, but for them, it is a profound and precious journey of life.
Zhang Ailing, that talented girl, was entangled by her own love after all. In the midst of the chaos of the world, she chooses to live in seclusion, unwilling to participate in lively social interactions, preferring to write silently in a quiet room. Her love affair with Laiya ended, and she was alone from then on, starting a 28-year life of solitude until her death.
In the United States, she isolated herself from the world, refused all visits and social interactions, and lived alone in a small apartment, like a lonely crane, far from the hustle and bustle of the group. Her solitude did not make her fall into loneliness, but allowed her to enjoy a sense of freedom, which may be the difference between a "genius writer" and ordinary people.
Her habits have also become very peculiar. She almost never cooks herself, but relies on canned food, milk and other convenience foods to survive, and over time, her body becomes weaker and weaker, and her slender body is getting thinner and thinner.
What's even more puzzling is that she always laughs at herself for her health problems and blames bugs for symptoms such as toothache and itching. She often moves frequently because of itching, and has moved more than 180 times in three consecutive years, which is actually due to psychological factors.
This is reminiscent of the classic quote she once wrote: "Life is a beautiful robe, crawling with lice." Maybe that's what she does.
At her worst, her name spread rapidly in Shanghai, and her work continued to be published and supported by Chinese readers, earning her a decent income in the United States.
Then, knowing that the deadline was approaching, she left a suicide note, clear and firm. She didn't want anyone to see her body, perhaps because she knew that she would eventually die alone in her widowhood, so she chose to leave this world with dignity after her death, leaving her bones scattered in an empty and uninhabited place.
In September 1995, when it was discovered that Ms. Chang had been dead for a week, her body lay quietly in the rented apartment. She buried herself in the depths of her years, and until the last moment, she chose to be isolated from the world and enjoy the freedom of solitude.
After her death, people remembered the legendary female writer, who was so successful and yet so sad. Her wealth became a topic of conversation after her death, and she left an inheritance of 2.7 million yuan to her friend Song Qi and his wife, but she did not leave a penny for her own brother.
His younger brother Lin Shitong has never married, and he has always lived a low-key life. Days after his sister's death, his home was always open, day and night, and he said he didn't want to repeat his sister's mistakes. He was like a wounded lone wolf, silently enduring the loneliness of loneliness.
And on September 30, Lin Shitong scattered his sister's ashes into the vast sea, and at this moment, Zhang Ailing's legendary and sad life also turned into dust.
She is a successful writer, but at the same time a unique and sad woman. Her life is full of ups and downs and struggles in love, and her three love histories are extremely bleak. At the time of her death, she was not accompanied by any relatives and was not found until a few days later. Her life is like a drama, full of success and tragedy.
Is this kind of life what she wants? She may reveal her longing and helplessness behind the words, and her works are a portrayal of her soul, her thoughts and expressions of love and life. She uses words to resist loneliness, but she also falls into it.
In the temple of literature, she is a dazzling star, but she is bleak in real life. Her mind is freed in the magnificent creation, but she is also under heavy pressure in the lonely life.
What she left behind is beautiful words and touching stories, but behind her is a lonely and fragile soul, a woman who longs to love and be loved. Her life, like her stories, is perhaps destined to bloom in poignancy until it dissolves into the world.
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