Those who lose their temper in relationships because of small things, no matter how strong and powerful they seem on the outside, are not easy to mess with.
But from the perspective of cognitive psychology, they are actually lonely and fragile personalities and individuals.
Because the essence of the irritable personality is this helplessness and help in his heart. In their hearts, they are usually filled with all kinds of grievances and traumas.
So what about these grievances and traumas, they just erupt at a different time.
The same thing can be faced rationally by others, but they are always anxious, sensitive and suspicious, and then catastrophic expectations.
The reason why this is so is because the trauma of the early years continues to swallow them up towards that great difficulty.
In the same way, their fragile ego is understood by psychologists to mean that their natural irritability is acquired, and that they are born out of the social behavior program that parents and children build up with each other.
And the fundamental reason why these people form a violent personality is that he was not treated well in his early years.
For example, a child who has always been denied and suppressed by his parents since he was a child, often how well-behaved he is and how hard he studies, but he is not recognized by his parents, then his subconscious will accumulate a lot of powerlessness and grievances.
Then when you grow up, it's very easy to lose your temper because of small things.
For example, your partner forgot to tell him good night, worked overtime and didn't eat with him, etc.
Because of the trivial things in the eyes of many outsiders, the so-called small things in his eyes will make him feel the feeling of neglect and non-recognition in his early years again, thus evoking him to feel the abused child who was not good in the past.
For example, if a child has experienced a crisis of trust with his parents, his parents may have suspected him of early love or stealing when he was young. Then when he grows up, he is very easy to be furious because of the slightly questioning tone of others.
For a person who has not developed a good level of self-esteem and self-confidence, any kind of behavior that does not trust him at the moment will poke at his sensitive and fragile heart, thus stimulating his strong aggression inside.
In addition to the growth experience of the original family can determine a person's temper, another relatively large possibility is from his current emotional experience.
For example, your partner is a person who can't understand you and can't give you enough responses, and he won't cooperate with you when you ask him to do anything, and he will only move when you lose your temper.
Then over time, you will habitually express your purpose through anger and anger.
If you have a good temper, but after entering an intimate relationship, you gradually become more and more irritable, it may be because your emotions and needs have never been seen by your partner.
Of course, the factors that contribute to the formation of a short-tempered personality are not only the two points I mentioned, but also include:
Parents often threaten their children: "If you don't study hard, you will do something", "If you spend so much money on traveling, your mother will think you are ignorant", etc.;
Parents often compare themselves to other children; Including excessive invasion of the child's sense of boundaries, you have to listen to your parents, can your parents still hurt you;
Even the isolation of some groups on campus, being excluded by classmates in the dormitory, spreading rumors and splashing dirty water, etc., all lead to a male compatriot who has no way to establish an inner sense of security.
And the more uneasy the heart, the easier it is to be stressed, and overreact to the slightest little thing.
Behind these behaviors, it is actually to protect yourself from feeling those feelings that you once hated, and to protect yourself from repeating the trauma of your early years.
Therefore, a temper tantrum may simply be a person expressing his pain and desire for help with another voice.
It can even be said that tantrums and crying are one of the manifestations of pain, but in fact they are repeating the traumatic experience all the time.
Repeat over and over again!
Take myself as an example. For example, if you are like me when I am on a plane, I feel that this space is very small, and I can't help but get angry.
But what is the reason?
When I was a child, I was locked up in a small dark room when I didn't obey, and then the spatial distance in this room was inversely proportional to my sense of security. So when I grew up, I couldn't feel comfortable in this small room.
If you want to know more, you can check the Internet about "claustrophobia".
If the wound is always torn, then how can it really heal itself?
That's right! If you get the right books, you're very prone to anxiety, depression, and more!
And what's the scariest part? These people who are accepted because they are not treated well by their parents and the surrounding environment, even if they hate their parents' way of education, they will subtly treat their children in the same way!
That's why I told you before that a good temper is not something you learned, not your usual relaxed tone of voice, practice smiling every day, you can become a gentle and calm person!
It can be said that those who are gentle and calm in their early years must have been raised in an environment full of security and fully felt loved!
Because they have been accepted unconditionally, they have enough inner strength, they don't need to bluff to disguise themselves, and they don't need to defend themselves by maintaining a fighting posture at all times! So the tenderness and the feeling of filling him naturally revealed!
But it's not completely inexplicable! I think this is in the hope that we can all be aware of our own trauma! Since the temper tantrum comes from the helplessness of the heart, from the sense of security that has not been obtained since childhood.