When the wife saw her husband throwing socks, she shouted, "Why are you so lazy?!" You won't even put your socks in the washing machine?! ”
The husband fought back after being blamed: "Why do you always belittle me?!" ”
Then the two roared loudly, took out all the old things, and counted each other one by one.
I want to maintain the relationship between husband and wife, so thatHappy marriageWe need to reduce the blameCommunicate well
Communicate wellWe are neededExpress your feelingsExpress your needs
If we always say, "How are you?", we tend to fall into the cycle of blaming our partner. For example:
Why did you come home so late?! ”
I can't count on you for anything! ”
Why can't you take the time to spend with your children?! ”
Then when the partner feels blamed, he also feels angry, and the two continue to argue.
Anger will push both sides further and further away.
Behind every whining and complaining is a desire to be cared for and taken care of.
Why did you come home so late?! This phrase means that we feel lonely.
Suppose we say, "Honey, you're late today, I'm lonely." ”
Then it will be easier for the lover to understand us, and he will most likely say, "Sorry, I'm busy working overtime today." I'll try to spend as much time with you as I can in the future. ”
In the same way, let's not simply say, "I can't count on you for anything!" ”
We can say: "The air conditioner broke down yesterday, I got off work too late, and I couldn't let the master come to the door, I was very aggrieved and helpless." ”
In the same way, let's not say lightly, "Why can't you take time to spend time with your children?!" ”
We can say, "Honey, I've been taking my child around lately, and it's been very hard and tiring. ”
We definitelyExpress your feelingsFor example, loneliness, sadness, helplessness, hard work, exhaustion, discouragement, and so on.
Our partner will be able to understand us better. Let's not blame our partner blindly. Blame will push the distance between the couple's hearts and minds.
We describe the difficulties encountered in detailExpressionthemselvesMood, in order to be goodCommunication
At the same time, we want toExpressionOwnRequirementsto express what you expect your partner to do.
Let's not expect ourselves to notExpression, the other party will be able to perceive usRequirements
There is a husband and wife, and the wife loves to eat bun skin. My husband loves to eat stuffed buns. They all give each other what they like to eat.
So, the husband eats the bun skin he doesn't like and gives his favorite bun stuffing to his wife. The wife eats the stuffing of buns that she doesn't like.
It wasn't until more than 30 years later, when the couple was in their 60s, that they realized in an unintentional exchange: what they thought was delicious was difficult to eat in each other's hearts.
Suppose the couple spoke up a year earlierRequirements, then they will have their favorite breakfast a year earlier.
It's a pity: the two care about each other, but they have eaten breakfast they don't like for half their lives.
So we have to take the initiative to say what we likeExpressionOwnRequirements, the partner is likely to respond.
We can say, "Honey, you're back late today, I'm lonely. I hope you'll spend more time with me, and you'll be home early tomorrow. ”
Then the lover is likely to respond: "Then I will try to leave work early tomorrow." ”
The lover may also respond: "I try to leave work early." If you can't leave work early, you can hang out with your girlfriends. ”
Regardless of the lover's response, at least we avoid the conflict that comes with blame, and that's okayDeepento each otherUnderstand
We can also say: "Honey, the air conditioner broke yesterday, and when I get off work, the master also gets off work, and I am helpless." You open the door for the master. ”
We can also say, "Honey, I've been working hard and tired with my children lately. You come home early tonight and take the kids. ”
We are braveExpress your needsDescribe what we expect from our partner, so that our partner can know what to do and help us.
As "Nonviolent Communication" says: "Don't suppress yourself, and don't pretend to be okay." Don't wait for the other person to guess why you're angry and for him to apologize. ”
We blame less and express more of the difficulties we actually encounterExpressionOwnMood, moreExpressionOwnRequirementsand tell your partner how to do it.
Only then can the partner give positive feedback, and the two people will calm downCommunicate wellto speak each other's minds.
People who are happily married can communicate well.
Love is neededCommunicationTarget. Love is neededExpressionTarget.
May we all love ourselves better and love our partners better. May we also let our partners know how to love us.