Recently, I was chasing a Korean parenting variety show - "My Golden Child", and I was really shocked. 
The program team called the most annoying "problem children" in life who even teachers and parents want to give up as "golden children", followed them for several months, and invited parenting experts to help. In the show, Mi Li's mother saw all kinds of strange children, all kinds of chickens and dogs, to be honest, it was a little suffocating. But as the program progressed, under the explanation and guidance of experts, I was also deeply touched and inspired by "Other People's Stories". Behind the child who can't be weaned, there is a mother who is extremely lacking in love6-year-old Cai Yan is already about to go to elementary school, but such a big child is still eating his mother's breast milk! 
As an audience, when I saw this situation, my first reaction was naturally that the child was too attached to his mother. Indeed, Cai Yan is indeed clingy. She is already 6 years old, but her self-care ability is almost zero, and she has to call her mother for everything. Even if you go out for activities, you have to lie on your mother, as if you can't leave your mother for a moment. But is that really the case? The program team interviewed Cai Yan's grandmother, and the grandmother said that in fact, the child didn't want to eat breast milk for a long time, and it was the mother who cried and forced the child to eat. 
The reason is that the mother heard that the child's breastfeeding is good for the immune system, and in order to make the child healthier, she kept feeding, even if the long-term breastfeeding caused a wound in her breast, she had to endure the pain and continue to feed. In the show, the mother confessed: "Whenever the child doesn't continue to **, she feels empty in her heart, as if she has lost the world." ”It wasn't until her mother said this sentence that Mi Li's mother realized that in fact, it was not Cai Yan who really couldn't wean, but her mother! Let's look at the relationship between the mother and daughter: every time Cai Yan doesn't appear in her mother's sight, her mother will be very anxious. Even when she took Cai Yan out to buy something, she had to keep asking her: "Are you tired?" Do you want to take a break? ”
But the question is, why is Cai Yan's mother so anxious and always worried about letting her children do anything? As the show progressed, we learned that this was actually related to my mother's original family. is completely different from her mother, Cai Yan's grandmother has always adhered to the "sheep herding education". At that time, Cai Yan's mother was still in kindergarten, and her grandmother just let her take the bus home alone, and once she got lost on the way out of school, and her grandmother didn't look for her. In grandma's view, her education method is to exercise the child's self-care ability, but as everyone knows, her ignorance has caused great fear to Cai Yan's mother who is still in childhood, so that when she has her own child, she is afraid that this fear will come to Cai Yan's head again, so she is so afraid of separating from the child. 
In the end, Cai Yan's sudden illness really woke up her mother. Cai Yan suffered from hyperthyroidism at a young age, her heart beat fast at every turn, and she may have the problem of bulging eyeballs in the future. Experts told my mother that most of the disease is caused by stress. And the reason why Cai Yan is stressed is because her mother is overprotective, and the child's ability to resist pressure is too poor, and a little pressure can't bear it. Under the advice of experts, the mother decided to make a ruthless change, one is to wean the child, and the other is to let the child do things independently. Soon, the child had an amazing change. Mom was pleasantly surprised to find that Cai Yan could actually do everything, she could sleep alone, tidy up toys independently, and even help with housework ......
Cai Yan's story reminds Mi Li's mother of a sentence said by parenting expert Li Zhiyi in the "Guide to Children's Sensitive Period of Growth":"Many parents do things in the name of love for their children, but in fact they just make their children more attached to themselves, nothing more. ”Yes, many times we give our children excessive love and attention, in fact, we are compensating for the lack of love in childhood, and we want to satisfy the lack of heart through the child's dependence on ourselves. However, we should be soberly aware that children are different individuals from us, and they have their own lives. Our regrets back then may not be their needs. If we blindly compensate our children for the love they don't need, then the children will not only not appreciate our efforts, but will feel suffocated. The boy Tokai lives in a family as strict as the military, and his parents have always held him and his brother to high standards. As long as Donghai and his brother make a little mistake, their parents will be aggressive and ask three times in a row. Once, Tokai and his brother had an argument over the volume of the game console, and when his father heard the voice, he called him into the room. This was not a big deal, but Tokai's reaction was a big surprise. As soon as he entered the room, Donghai immediately apologized, saying that he would not treat his brother like this again. But Dad didn't let him go, but forced him to ask, "What did you do wrong?" Do you want me to treat you like I did to your brother? I ask you if you want the same treatment? ”
Seeing this, Mi Li's mother frowned, what kind of treatment did this brother suffer? Is it abuse? What made Mi Li's mother even more astonishing was that when Donghai heard this, it was as if a switch in his body had been turned on, and he immediately kept apologizing. Seeing that Donghai was soft, Dad finally let him out. But the child's mother didn't plan to let Donghai go, she saw Donghai playing with his mobile phone, so she immediately confiscated his mobile phone. Donghai explained that it was time to relax with a fun mobile phone, but his mother was unmoved and criticized a few words. As a result, Donghai immediately knelt down, kowtowed to his mother and apologized, and even slapped himself ......
This mysterious operation simply scared Mi Li's mother stupid. But Donghae's mother was expressionless, not only did not stop it, but also continued to criticize, saying that the child was disobedient. 
What's even more speechless is that when Donghai started to write his homework at the urging of his mother, Donghai's mother suddenly hit him coldly, because Donghai's expression was sad, which made her unhappy. My God, if the child is treated like this by you husband and wife, he is not sad, does he want a hippie smile? 
At this time, Dad came out of the room again, and when he saw this situation, Dad not only did not comfort Donghai, but even said frankly: "We prefer obedient children to study well." ”
I have to say that such a family environment can really be described as "suffocating". Sure enough, in this deformed environment, both children developed psychological problems, the elder brother chose to escape, and Donghai even suffered from self-harm. Although the way the Tokai family gets along is indeed very exceptional, the concept of "children must be obedient" conveyed in the family is quite common. How many Chinese parents also want their children to be obedient and obedient, as long as the child puts forward his own ideas, he thinks that he is working against himself. In fact, making children must be "obedient", which is essentially a kind of mind control. Under this kind of mental control, children can only keep suppressing themselves, and in the process, their hearts will accumulate more and more negative emotions. Once this emotion erupts, it will find an outlet in two ways: one is self-harm, such as self-harm in the East China Sea; The other is external harm, for example, some children have violent tendencies and vent their emotions on their classmates and partners. Even if the child does not reach such an extreme level, the child who has been ordered to be obedient since childhood will grow up to become a timid and fearful person, with low self-esteem and confusion, and always obedient and obedient when encountering problems. Therefore, parents should be aware that raising an obedient child is the greatest sorrow of education. Only when a child's ideas are respected, can he develop into a complete self under the impetus of internal forces. Highly sensitive children, it's really not hypocrisy! In the show, there is another child who left a deep impression on Mi Li's mother, and that is Charlene. Charlene's heart is very sensitive, and any little problem she encounters in life will make her break down emotionally, cry and make trouble, and even beat and scold her parents.
For example, when her mother carried her younger brother into the room, Charlene would suddenly yell at her mother: "Get out, get out, get out!" Mi Li's mother thought that she was jealous that her mother hugged her brother and didn't hug her, but in fact it was not, it was Charlene who was particularly sensitive to smells, and she could smell the "milk smell" on her brother's body, and felt very uncomfortable. For example, when her father washes Charlene's hair, Charlene will cover her eyes tightly with a towel, and even if there is a little foam sprayed on her eyes, she will not be able to stand the constant washing.
Seeing this, Mi Li's mother was a little angry: This child is inevitably too "pretentious", is it what parents are used to, so hypocritical. However, the parenting expert who observed from the sidelines said that the child was a typical "highly sensitive child", and her strange manifestations were all "allergic" reactions. Experts explain that children's high sensitivity is innate, and they are not vexatious, nor are they caused by improper parental education, so parents do not have to blame themselves. What's more, a child's high sensitivity is not necessarily all disadvantage, but also good. Highly sensitive children may be far more sensitive than children of the same age, and they are more able to capture details than ordinary people. This sensitivity to details makes it possible for them to perform well in creation and art, and many people who are engaged in creative work, such as Steve Jobs, Haruki Murakami, etc., are highly sensitive personalities. Of course, being too sensitive is very bad for children's interpersonal communication, and it will also affect the lives of themselves and those around them, so parents should also consciously help their children "reduce sensitization". On the one hand, when the child is sensitive and unable to express it, we can help the child to express her feelings and let the child know that we can understand her. For example, Charlene smelled a "strange smell" when she applied the medicine, so she was very resistant. The mother forcibly let the child smell the medicine, and repeatedly emphasized that "you smell it, it doesn't smell", and the child's resistance became even greater.
In fact, the mother can acknowledge the child's feelings and ease the child's emotions through empathy, such as: "Mom knows that you think this medicine tastes weird, and Mom doesn't like it." But if you don't apply medicine for allergies, you will get sicker, is it okay for your mother to wipe it with you? Helping your child express his feelings can teach him or her to express emotions correctly. In addition, parents can also role-play to let children see what ordinary people will do when faced with the same thing, so that children can understand that they are overreacting. For example, once Charlene came out of the elevator and saw the door closed, she started yelling. At this time, Mom and Dad can restore the scene at that time and let Mom play Charlene, what would Mom do if she encountered this kind of thing. This will make the child understand that there is a solution other than yelling. Raising a highly sensitive child is certainly not an easy task and requires a lot of patience on the part of parents. The first thing we need to do is to correct our own concepts and understand that the child is not deliberately "making heaven and earth", she is just more meticulous and sensitive than ordinary children. I have to say that "Children of Gold" is really a good parenting variety show. After Mi Li's mother saw it, her first reaction was: No wonder Koreans don't have children anymore, it's too difficult to raise a child! As parents, only by truly understanding our children and being good at discovering their children's shining points can we let our children grow up happily in love and education.