Author: Xia Yun.
It was July 1966, one night after the house had been raided twice, and the loudspeakers who had been noisy for a day shut up like an over-excited, overwhelmed madman. The cicadas in the trees were silent, crying, and the crickets in the corner responded with a long and short voice. My daughter was frightened and refused to sleep, and called out to her mother in my arms in fright, and stretched out her little hand to hold her father, calling for her father not to let go.
She choked up and cried intermittently: "Why are uncles and aunts so fierce, they used to like them very much?"Last time they broke my 'Snow White', I wasn't angry. “
It was the first time to raid the house, and at dusk a group of people rushed into my house, and my daughter saw the aunts and uncles in her father's office that she was familiar with, and happily pounced on a "long-legged aunt" who often came to my house, and affectionately shouted "Auntie Long-footed" to the crowd without a sound. The daughter tried to rush over, but the husband carried her outside.
She rushed in again and saw her aunts and uncles flipping through the books in the house, all over the floor. She volunteered, "Uncle, I'm here to help, I still have a lot of books." ”
No one paid attention to her, she still pulled out her small bookcase from under the bed very hard, a pair of big hands and her small hands turned the bottom to the sky alternately, seeing that there was no "prey", the man got up, and a pair of big feet trampled on the face of "Snow White". The daughter crawled at his feet and tried to push him away, but he flashed and the daughter fell to the ground.
We were ordered to stand at the door, saying that we were afraid that we would take the opportunity to destroy the incriminating evidence. The husband picked up his daughter in defiance of the ban, and tears were red in her eyes.
I patted her and said helplessly: Uncle is joking with you.
She leaned her head on my shoulder, rubbing the album with footprints with her little hands, while quietly watching her uncles and aunts move away her parents' "books".
She looked at their backs in confusion and said, "Uncles and aunts also like books without drawings, and they don't like them, they are all words."
She shouted goodbye to her uncle and aunt, and there should have been no response. Because she has become "inhuman" with her parents.
After we were found out, we were afraid that the child's immature mind would plant distorted seeds, so we applied to send her to a full-time kindergarten.
The leader said: Their husband and wife are both prefixed with the word "cow", so they will be exempted.
Our daughter was only in a nursery, which was supposed to be a nursery, but it was actually a nursing room, and she didn't go to kindergarten for a day.
The smart daughter became a good helper for the aunt. With tears in my eyes and tears in my heart, I said to my husband that she was probably the youngest "volunteer" in China's history.
The second raid was at night, when a group of leftists and officialdom activists, adhering to the will of the "organization", broke into my house again.
Hand over your incriminating evidence!"The officialdom activists at the head waved their fists at me.
Didn't you all move away?If I'm guilty, that's the best evidence. I replied.
If you are still an anti-party element, there is no if!He said as he rummaged through the cabinets.
The husband blindfolded his daughter with his hands, hugged her and turned his back to me, and the daughter struggled to twist her body, looked at me in horror, and then looked at her father, and cried "wow".
Your attitude is not good for yourself. The neighbor's eldest sister whispered to me: "You can't hide the pustules of reactionary thoughts, you have to hand over the evidence of the crime, and you have to think about the child in your belly." ”
This is probably the warmest language I've ever heard, and I'm very touched, at least let me know that I'm pregnant and human.
Since I am convicted, I believe that there must be evidence, why ask me. I replied in a low voice.
Rummaging through the cabinets again, I don't know what they're looking for. Each book is turned page by page, behind the frames on the wall. Under the mattress, in the pillow, at the bottom of the drawer, and behind the radio, I checked them one by one and touched them with my own hands.
My husband's suspicious gaze turned to me: Do you really have something to hide from me?I'm confused.
Faced with another mess full of houses, we were relatively silent, and I bent down with great difficulty to clean up, put away the messy books, put the pillows up, and repacked the scattered couple's privacy items in the envelope under the mat.
I watched my husband re-hang the photo frame that had been torn up behind his back because he suspected of hiding incriminating evidence. I took a look at our home, which was only 14 square meters, except for a camphor wood box, a canvas box, a radio, books, and daily necessities, and a bed, a table, two chairs, and a bookshelf were all borrowed from the government.
We are not from an exploiting class family, we have no gold and silver, we are not qualified to be swept away by the "four olds", and all private written materials - diaries, letters, and notes - have been copied for the first time.
What exactly were they looking for—I later learned that they were looking for a letter I had written to my husband, and I didn't find it in the first 200-odd letters.
The sky was closed, the night was deep, and the daughter was tired of crying and gradually fell asleep, with tears on her face. We didn't eat and we didn't turn on the lights.
The street lamp outside the window was replaced by a large bulb at some point, and a dazzling light sword shot in, pointing through our bodies to the concrete floor.
My husband wanted to say something, but I motioned for him to keep an eye on the wall and not to make a sound, but to go outside. My husband was holding my daughter, and I quietly walked out of the house with a straw mat and sat down in the big playground.
You're really okay to hide from me, right?The husband asked worriedly.
You suspect that I am a spy of the United States and Chiang, and I am hiding a cipher code. I replied sadly.
Politics has been channelled towards the family, forcing a clear line between flesh and blood. In the face of my husband's questioning, my heart was desolate.
It's better to die than to die on this day, I really want to fight with them. The husband shook the fan vigorously to slap the mosquitoes and uttered these frightening words. I covered his mouth in horror and didn't let him continue.
The husband who graduated from a prestigious university is persistent and admits death. After participating in the work, the former president of the Long March cadres in Beijing trained him to entrust him with important tasks, he won the second prize of the State Science and Technology Commission, and the people's ** once published his articles, and ** TV did broadcasting.
Later, the old dean was squeezed out, and the upstarts who took away the old dean held high and held high the red flag of ideology, making "living and learning" and "immediate results" impressive.
For a time, "the disease that has not been cured for many years has been cured with the best thought", "the mineral deposits have been found with the best thought", "the problem of tackling key problems has been overcome with the best thought", the first thought is omnipotent and all-encompassing, and the hydrogeologists in Shanghai have even controlled the problem of ground subsidence in Shanghai with the best thought.
When the new leader asked him to give a lecture on "living and applying it," my pedantic husband not only did not climb up the pole, but even told the truth: "I have not studied Mao on the subject I am responsible for."
It is even more naïve that in the ideological examination of the party branch, he told his true views on the "living and practical application" and "immediate results" of certain activists who were hypocritical and hypocritical.
After these are taken out of context and put on the line, how serious and serious they will be, it is enough to put people to death!Coupled with the alarmist issue of listening to enemy broadcasts, he has a hard time arguing.
You said you didn't listen, who can prove it, I said that you listened and I have evidence, and the evidence is that you have a radio that can receive enemy stations.
Surely you have listened, it is impossible not to listen, there is no reason not to listen, it is possible not to listen?It's strange if you don't listen.
Oh my God!What kind of logic is this!
Husband likes **, when we got married in 1961, my mother-in-law bought us a radio with a price of 198 yuan, at that time we were still living separately, my husband always handed over his home to a single friend in the same design studio on a business trip, and the friend attracted his friends (Taiwan compatriots, after the fall of the Gang of Four, he was the person in charge of a certain city), they were homesick or curious, whether they happened or intentionally, listened or did not listen to the enemy station, we were not present and did not know.
There were rumors in the unit that my radio could pick up enemy stations. The leaders and the "leftists" affirmed that since they could receive the enemy's Taiwan, they must have listened to it as well.
The sky is above, we just have the heart and the guts. The basin of sewage was still splashed on her husband's head, forcing him to admit that he had listened to the enemy's station.
Several times the activists of the officialdom broke into my house in the middle of the night, as if no one was in a no-man's land, knocking on the door and shouting to open the door and open the door, and we must open the door immediately if we are not allowed to dress, and want to catch it.
Every time I entered the door, I went straight to the radio, checked the position of the hands, and got the sound of squeaking and squeaking and getting back and forth. I was afraid that my honest man who would admit his reasons for death would suffer and go to extremes, so I persuaded him: "If they force you again, just admit it, so as not to suffer greatly." ”
Admit it?I want you to explain the time and place of what you listened to, I have never heard it, how can I make it up?The husband's eyes were full of tears, and his face was twisted and distorted in pain.
We go out of the house to enter the school, and out of the school and enter the unit, which is a typical "three-door" cadre.
We believe in communism, look forward to the communist beauty of no exploitation, no oppression, each doing what he can, taking what he needs, equality, freedom and happiness, and are willing to dedicate everything to itIsn't it crazy that even a loyal person like us should fight on the enemy's side?
The Cultural Revolution at the grassroots level was actually a struggle for the commanding heights of discourse, and political workers were uniquely blessed to control the right to speak from beginning to end, as long as you want to do something and are not enthusiastic about politics, you may become the object of struggle.
The people who fight against you are by no means tried, but first-class organizations and their leftist officialdom activists. The terrifying atmosphere, the fighting meeting where the walls fell and everyone pushed and killed, and the big-character posters taken out of context and seemed to be overwhelming, even the more I looked at it, the more I looked like a counter-revolutionary.
The night was getting deeper, and the cooler had long since left. I looked into the distance, except that it was dark and dark. Thinking that after dawn we will still face our own criticism and fighting, everyone can humiliate them, call them like animals, we can't argue, we don't even have the right to explain, people are not ghosts, no ghosts are ghosts.
How I wish the clock had stopped and the night would never end, and I would always be with my husband and daughter, and it was only at this moment that I felt myself back on earth.
I'm afraid of the murderous atmosphere of the wall falling down and everyone pushing it;I'm afraid that my colleagues who get along day and night will sweep my strange and indifferent gazes;I'm afraid of standing in the crowd with my head bowed, but I am as lonely and helpless as grass in the miserable rain on the desert;I was afraid that I would be asked to confess my crimes endlessly, and I couldn't confess, so my brain was hot and I wanted to drag my husband and daughter into the Yangtze River in the dark and die.
The husband said, "What is the sin of the child?"His voice was hoarse, hesitant and pathetic.
If you want to die, the whole family will die together, leaving your daughter alone, how to live at a young age. "I was crazy and I just wanted to be free, and I wanted to die right away.
My husband calmed down, gently wiped away the tears on my face, and said firmly: "It's a big deal, like in 1957, when the anti-rightists put a hat on us and were dismissed from public office." We have to live for the sake of our children. ”
I rested my head on my husband's shoulder, letting the bitter tears drip into my heart, and my heart was heavy and heavy.
Yes, what is the sin of my unborn child, he has been restless in my womb, looking forward to coming to the world, what is the sin of my lovely daughter, she is well-behaved, smart and beautiful, and she is still a little flower and bone. I can't bear to deprive them of their lives, and I can't just "go" and leave my daughter alone in the world.
A bright meteor dragged its long tail across the night sky, and I was startled, as if the heavens had dialed my wisdom: Why die, even if you are a ghost in the world, you have to straighten your waist!
After thinking about it, we were ready to wear hats and be fired from public office. No longer pursue the belief that life is good;No longer as the saints look to God for justice;No longer have the luxury of hoping for a better ending, no longer sighing about suffering.
We are still young and have the physical strength to sell, we must live and raise our children**!
When you sink to the bottom, your heart is fixed.
We have finally crossed the hurdle from human to non-human, and nothing has happened.