Nowadays, there are often education experts advocating free parenting, and many parents are often confused.
For example, how to restrain a child when he behaves badly and breaks the rules
Strict management, afraid of hurting the child and destroying the parent-child relationship;
can let it go, and I am afraid that indulging the child will cause ...... trouble
It's embarrassing!
Is there any way to restrain a child's bad behavior without harming the child's mental health?
Actually, there is, and that is:
Non-violent restrictions
More specifically, it is to limit the child's bad behavior, but not to use violent means.
Before imposing non-violent restrictions on children, we need to understand one thing:
Sometimes a child has bad behavior, not necessarily because he deliberately breaks the rules or challenges authority, but also because the child does not know the bottom line of the rules and does not know that this behavior is wrong.
Or behind the child's behavior, there are other needs that are not expressed.
Therefore, we need to understand the needs behind the child's behavior and give the child a clear boundary:
What can be done and what not to do.
When your child knows this, he will feel more certain and safer in his actions.
How does it work?
We can divide a child's behavior into three areas:
The first area: the behavior that we want and approve of.
Refers to those behaviors that are conducive to the formation of good habits and good qualities in children, or conducive to the healthy development of children.
For example,
After school, complete the homework assigned by the teacher independently;In the face of these performances, we will gladly say "yes" to him and encourage him to keep up the good work.Seeing that my mother was busy, I took the initiative to come over and help;
I don't want to have tooth decay, and I try to restrain the desire to eat candy ......
The second area: behavior that we do not approve of, but is tolerable for some special reason.
In this area, we don't want certain kinds of behavior to happen, but for special reasons, we need to be patient for a while.
Special reasons may include:
Beginner's mistakes.
For example, the first time a child stir-frys, he forgot to turn off the fire, which triggered the smoke alarm.
Mistakes in difficult moments.
For example, the child is sick, unwell, and loses his temper at his parents in the morning for no reason.
We can't pretend to like this kind of behavior, but we need to consider the special circumstances of our children.
We can choose to be honest with our children:
It's your first time stir-frying, it's okay, but it's dangerous not to turn off the heat, so be sure to remember next time!”
You're sick and uncomfortable, I understand, but you can't lose your temper like that, you have something to say. ”
The third area is behaviour that cannot be tolerated and must be stopped under any circumstances.
This includes behaviors that endanger one's own interests or those of others, as well as behaviors that are prohibited by law and morality.
For example, hitting people with hands, abusing small animals;
Stealing money and destroying public facilities ......
Behaviors like these, for whatever reason, and under what circumstances, are not allowed.
Limiting undesirable behaviors in the third area is the focus of our discipline on children.
In fact, it is really difficult for children to restrain their inner desires and bad behaviors on their own.
Therefore, parents need to make restrictions through non-violent restrictions, without hurting their children's self-esteem.
*: Visual China.
How exactly is it restricted?
We need to be clear to our children"Prohibited Conduct".and guide your child to tryAlternate Behavior
For example,
You can't hit someone, you can hit a pillow;When it comes to restricting your child's behavior, there are three things to keep in mind:You can't steal money, you can tell me if you need money;
You can't pick the flowers in the park, you can stand by and enjoy the ......
The first point: it should be fully restricted, not partial.
The line between what can and can't be done is very clear.
For example, say to your child clearly, "Don't throw water on your sister." ”
Instead of saying to your child, "You can throw a little water on your sister, but you can't make her catch a cold." ”
Because the latter does not give the child a clear boundary, it is difficult for the child to grasp the scale of splashing water, and may even encourage the child to splash water on his sister, causing trouble.
Point 2: Be firm when making restrictions.
Tell your child "no" clearly, without ambiguity or joking.
For example, when a child hits a parent with a small fist, don't laugh at him while telling him "stop fighting", which will give the child the impression of joking.
Instead, you have to make a serious statement to him: "You can't hit your parents, you can't hit people!"”
Thus sending a message to the child: "This ban is real, Mom and Dad are serious." ”
The third point: limit behavior, but not desires and emotions.
The focus of discipline is to limit the child's bad behaviorBut do not discourage the child's desires, and do not deny the child's emotions.
For example, when a child says "I want to cut open the cat's belly and see what's inside", we want to limit his behavior of "hurting the cat", but not to discourage his desire:
I know you want to know what's in a cat's belly, but we can't hurt a cat;For example, when a child says, "My sister messes with my toys, I want to hit my sister", we need to limit his "hitting my sister", but don't deny his emotions:You can read related **, books, or let me draw a picture to tell you what the inside of the cat's belly looks like.
I know you're angry with your sister, but we can't hit anyone, you can put your toys away or close the door so she doesn't touch your toys.Support your child's wishes, understand your child's emotions, and tell him clearly:
What behaviors are not allowed and he cannot do;
But he can use some alternative behaviors to fulfill wishes and solve problems.
*: Visual China.
The above three "non-violent restrictions" do not sound difficult.
But it is not an easy task to go from implementation to effectiveness.
Because in the matter of restraining children to obey discipline, it is not only a matter of method and skill, but more importantly:The words and deeds of the nurturers themselves
In many cases, the child will not immediately change his behavior because of our words, and he will constantly adjust himself according to our words and deeds in the long-term interaction with us.
Therefore, when we discipline our children, our own words and deeds are also very important.
This manifests itself in three ways:
First of all, our standards need to be stable.
Once it is clear to the child what is not acceptable, we need to implement the restrictions steadily.
For example, children are not allowed to hit others.
It means that no matter what time and for what reason, children are not encouraged to hit others.
"My sister touches your toys, you don't hit her, you can close the door or put the toys away. ”Steadily restrain your child's use of hitting, and guide him to use acceptable alternative behaviors to protect himself, rather than sometimes banning and sometimes allowing, as this will directly affect the child's construction of new behavior patterns.A classmate bullies you, you don't hit him, you can run, and then report it to the teacher for help. ”
A passerby bumps into you and hurts you, you don't hit him, you can ask him to apologize to you ......”
Second, we need to be unified in our approach.
When restrictions are imposed on a child's bad behavior, the caregiver stands in a united front.
For example, children are not allowed to eat candy before going to bed.
Then the caregivers of the family should agree not to give the child candy before going to bed.
Don't aThe nurturer forbids the child to eat sugar, and the bThe nurturer secretly gives it to the child.
This will not only endanger the child's dental health, but also affect the child's relationship with the A caregiver, and even lead the child to learn from the B caregiver to secretly break the rules ......
It's really a thing that doesn't outweigh the losses.
Finally, we need to achieve the unity of knowledge and action.
When we ask our children to refrain from bad behavior and be disciplined, it is best for us to do the same ourselves.
Don't restrict your child from playing computer games while playing mobile games on the couchBecause when parents know how to do it.Don't restrict your child from hitting your younger siblings and make him obedient by beating him
Don't restrict your child from eating junk food while smoking, drinking, and chewing ...... every day
1. When there is a double standard for children and their own behavior, children are often easy to ignore the words of their parents and imitate their parents' behavior.
Therefore, when asking children to correct bad behaviors and abide by discipline, we must first achieve the unity of knowledge and action, and achieve self-discipline, only in this way will the child believe in our teachings, and learn from us to restrain his words and deeds.
*: Visual China.
Seeing this, some parents may say:
Why are you so complicated?When a child misbehaves and breaks the rules, isn't it okay to punish him directly?”
On the surface, punishment may be a quick fix, but there are bigger implications.
When parents punish their children, the children will feel ashamed and angry and will resent their parents in their hearts.
When a child is filled with anger and resentment, it is impossible to listen to his parents from the heart.
Instead, he will continue to behave misbehaps, as a way to express anger and confrontation towards his parents;
However, in order to avoid punishment, he may continue to improve his skills and avoid the detection of his parents.
In fact, many juvenile delinquents who are skilled in their tactics have been trained in this way.
Therefore, the key to successful child discipline is not punishment, but non-violent restraint.
First, give your child a clear line-
What can be done and what not to do.
Give your child another clear guide
What alternative actions are acceptable for prohibited acts.
Finally, adhere to stable and uniform standards, lead by example, and provide role models for children.
It's a loving and supportive behaviour management that synchronises a message to the child:
"You don't have to be afraid, you don't have to be ashamed, I won't let you go too far in your path, you're safe;This love and support——On the path of self-discipline, I will always be with you. ”
It will plant the seeds of morality in the hearts of children and follow the growth of children
In the end, he leads the child to soar in the vast world, doing what he wants without exceeding the rules.
As the philosopher Immanuel Kant said:
There is a vast and brilliant starry sky overhead, and there is a noble moral law in the heart. "
Harvest freedom in self-discipline, and connect all things in the world in freedom
Perhaps, this is the ultimate meaning of our behavior management of children.
*: Visual China.
Author: Tianya;**WeChat*** Wu Zhihong (ID: wzhxlx).