I went out to walk the baby at night and met a mother and daughter.
The daughter is wearing Hanfu, and the mother is dressed very casually, and she should be taking a walk. From passing by to walking a long way, I heard my mother scolding her daughter loudly: "How many times have I taught you to tie this belt on your clothes like this!."Do you think it's my responsibility to tie you up every time?Am I your servant?"That little girl is in the third or fourth grade.
My child asked
Why is her mother so angry?I'm a little scared.
I subconsciously touched the straps on my coat: I don't wear coat straps either. I really want to nod and say, I'm afraid too.
If she speaks well, I think this little girl will soon learn to tie herself. Now that I'm being criticized and blamed, what I'm thinking about is definitely not the method of banding, but "I'm making my mother angry again", "Will my mother still like me", "I'm really stupid"...
The book Nonviolent Communication reads:
We may not think of our way of talking as "violent," but our language does often cause pain for ourselves and others.
We can detect a bad Xi in our family and try not to repeat it in ourselves. The way of speaking is imperceptibly embedded and not easy to detect.
When you leave your family and enter into a new relationship, unless you are aware of it, a bad way of speaking can lead to bad relationships with classmates, colleagues, and even family relationships that you will form later on, and repeat them in the next generation.
The way we talk to our children is so important!The content, attitude, and tone of speech to children will also profoundly affect children's self-awareness, character development, and psychological development.
The following ways of speaking not only do not play a good role in communication, but even backfire, hurt the child's psychology, and make the parent-child relationship deadlock.
To open one's mouth is to deny, to strike, to judge
Like in the example above, the opening of the mouth is, "Why can't it be so simple?"Haven't you taught it many times?"Why are you so stupid?”
In fact, we always teach children in a kind of presupposition, thinking that as long as they teach, children must learn immediately.
But in fact, in the process of learning Xi various skills, children will encounter a lot of difficulties, such as insufficient strength in the hands, fine motor skills, etc.
These difficulties are unimaginable to adults.
To give a very simple example, when we know a word, it is difficult to reproduce the feeling before we didn't know the word.
Adults can easily understand that children will inevitably fall when they just learn to walk, but it is difficult for adults to understand why skipping rope still needs to be taughtWhy do I still not know how to tie a bow after teaching it so many times?Why is coloring always out of the box?Why do meals always spill out?Why is the handwriting always not standardized?
This kind of eager denial has no positive effect except for making the child doubt himself, and he has been in the fear of "Mom and Dad are angry again", forming the cognition that "I am stupid".
There is also a very lethal judgment:
"Why can others learn and you can't?”Yes, there is no point in such comparative judgments. Each child has their own personality traits and is unique."Why don't others do this, just you?”
The perfect child in your eyes, "someone else's child", is not without shortcomings and shortcomings, but you can't see it.
Learn to speak empathetically, explain with positive language, break down the steps, and train a little bit, as long as the child is growing up, as long as he trains enough, he will learn after all.
Or a sentence from "Nonviolent Communication":
I've never seen a stupid child, I've seen a child who sometimes does things I don't understand, or doesn't do what I'm told, but he's not a stupid child.Rhetorical questions and commandsI have seen what a netizen shared what he saw and heard in the hall of the Sixth Hospital of Beijing Medical University (the psychiatric department is more famous) for half a day:Before you say he's stupid, think about whether he's a stupid kid or does he understand things differently than you do
"Why can't you insert the card" (the child is inserting the card, and the machine shows that the reading is successful).These sentences are common, however, I met four families at about the same time (one dad and three moms during the morning ** rush), and every time their child made a movement, paying attention to every one of them, it was no exaggeration, would be greeted with a "guidance"."Take the money out" (taking it).
"What are you doing folding the receipt?"
"Straighten your clothes and hats".
"I said goodbye.
"Why don't you.
Every action is spoken, and everything is a trivial matter that doesn't matter, right or wrong.
Why does the child need to see a psychiatrist, even if the parents are outside the outpatient clinic, they still do not realize that the problem may appear.
Rhetorical questions are mostly smacked of blame and yin and yang, and no one likes the feeling of being blamed.
Commands will arouse the child's rebellious mentality.
As children grow up, the need for independence, autonomy, and self-esteem grows stronger, and children want to be respected and allowed to have a choice.
By creating an atmosphere of equal and friendly communication, children will feel respected and will be more willing to follow their parents' advice and discuss issues with their parents.
Moreover, there are still many "accusations" and "guidance" that are completely unnecessary.
Suspicion and suspicion
The China Youth Research Center has conducted a survey in six provinces and cities, including Beijing, Shanghai, Guangdong, Yunnan, Gansu and Henan, and the results of the "Survey on the Current Situation and Expectations of Chinese Primary and Secondary School Students' Learning Xi and Life" show that:
Primary and secondary school students like the top 10 practices of their parents the most, "trust me" with 63A high 5% of the votes came first.
In fact, this kind of data is not used to support the importance of "trust", as long as the child is treated as a person, who will like others to doubt themselves?
Not being trusted, in any kind of relationship, will produce a feeling of humiliation.
Many times, we don't know what we want to say, but out of inertia, we don't mean it.
"I finished my homework so early today, did I copy it?”When encountering something, first ask your child what happened and understand your child's real predicament, so that you can give sincere encouragement and help your child find a solution to the problem."It's not like you anymore because you're so good in this exam. ”
"Came back so late, went crazy again, right?”
"I wrote my homework so quickly today, what's the secret?”What you can't do, what hasn't been confirmed to happen, don't talk nonsense. Never underestimate the impact your words can have on your child's life. Pay attention to the way you speak, don't just try to speak happily."If you did well in the exam, I'll just say that you have a lot of potential!”
"I've been waiting for you to cook well, what happened when I came back so late?Mom is worried about you. ”
When you try to change, all the relationships around you will improve.