Psychologist Zeng Qifeng emphasized the crucial importance of the relationship between husband and wife in family stability, and regarded it as the anchor of the sea in the family, which is essentially the no. of the family relationship1。
When two strange individuals marry because of love, the family they build is not only the union of two people, but also the integration of two original families, covering the three views and behaviors of two pairs of parents and two pairs of parents.
In general, parents always give more care and tolerance to their children. However, it is often difficult to get the same tolerance for the child's partner, i.e. the child from another family.
In Chinese families, the mother is usually responsible for taking care of the child, and the father is relatively less involved, which makes the child's "Oedipus complex" more significant.
This complex leads to an imbalance in the family relationship, making the parent-child relationship the core in the family and the conjugal relationship becoming secondary. This deformed family relationship not only affects the relationship between husband and wife in the original family, but also puts the newly formed family in crisis.
In real life, no matter what kind of relationship it is, it needs to be carefully managed. If the relationship between husband and wife and parent-child relationship is out of order, no matter how much effort is put into maintaining it, it may be in the wrong direction, which will eventually lead to unhappy marriage. The more effort you try, the faster the marriage may dissolve.
This responsibility is not the sole responsibility of the spouses, but is sometimes more caused by parental intervention and lack of boundaries.
Qiao Ling's (pseudonym) marriage is falling into this chaotic parent-child relationship and husband and wife relationship, and is on the verge of breakdown.
Qiao Ling, a 32-year-old doctor, was once named an older leftover girl. When she was 28 years old, she met her current husband through a friend's introduction, an electrical engineer named Zhang Xiangzhi (pseudonym), a handsome and modest gentleman.
Qiao Ling's first impression of Zhang Xiangzhi was very deep. Because of her age, her parents always had some puzzling expectations about her marriage, and it seemed that any male regardless of background was worth trying. In this context, Qiao Ling has met many kinds of blind dates, but it is always difficult to find the person she likes. However, when she met Zhang Xiang, the balance of feelings finally began to tilt.
Zhang Xiangzhi is tall and tall, and he is a talent. What is unusual about him is that there is not a trace of impetuosity in him. The conversation with Qiao Ling is always slow, soft-spoken, and full of respect and politeness. Zhang Xiangzhi does an excellent job, has a handsome appearance, and has good morals, compared with those previous blind dates, he is simply many times better. Despite being 7 years older than Qiao Ling, Qiao Ling was still deeply attracted. At the urging of their parents, they decided to get married after knowing each other for half a year.
However, soon after the marriage, Qiao Ling gradually became aware of the secrets hidden in the marriage that she was unwilling to share with outsiders.
Zhang Xiangzhi's father died when he was very young, and he was raised by his mother-in-law. From childhood to adulthood, Zhang Xiangzhi was obedient to the mother who raised him, and did not hesitate to carry out her wishes.
At home, the mother-in-law is the highest authority, and the words are always full of commands. Although Qiao Ling felt a little uncomfortable, she still tried to avoid conflict with her mother-in-law.
There is one thing that makes Qiao Ling unbearable, that is, some Xi habits of her mother-in-law and Zhang Xiangzhi in hygiene Xi.
Qiao Ling is a doctor, and doctors are often considered to be more hygienic because of their profession, which requires them to deal with injuries and germs. As a result, they often have a very meticulous approach to personal and family hygiene.
However, Qiao Ling's mother-in-law and husband's hygiene Xi made her feel unbearable, and whenever she thought about or saw it, she couldn't help but get goosebumps and her stomach churned.
What made Qiao Ling unbelievable was that her mother-in-law and Zhang Xiangzhi could not wash their faces or brush their teeth every day, and only take a shower once every half a month. This is simply unbelievable for Qiao Ling.
Under Qiao Ling's strict requirements, Zhang Xiangzhi finally developed the Xi of washing his face and brushing his teeth every day. But for her mother-in-law, Qiao Ling was helpless, so she could only choose to pretend not to see it.
However, since having children, this principle of "not seeing and not seeing" has become difficult to maintain. Because the child was fed by her mother-in-law, Qiao Ling had to be highly vigilant about it.
The mother-in-law doesn't like to brush her teeth, but she likes to chew the food and feed it to Qiao Ling's children. Qiao Ling had seen too much, and she really couldn't suppress the anger in her heart, and she accused her mother-in-law of unhygienic behavior. However, the mother-in-law always distorts the facts, claiming that it is "bacteria eating bacteria", which can enhance the child's resistance and immunity.
There used to be only one washing machine at home, and my mother-in-law used to wash her outer and inner clothes together Xi. Qiao Ling asked her mother-in-law to wash her underwear by hand many times.
However, the mother-in-law broke Qiao Ling's helplessness in one sentence: "Isn't the washing machine used to wash clothes?"Isn't it a great invention to free your hands?Why are you becoming more and more conservative?”
With the arrival of the child, Qiao Ling had to buy another washing machine specially used to wash the child's clothes. However, without paying attention, the mother-in-law actually threw her underwear into it, on the grounds that this washing machine is a little smaller, and the water consumption is also smaller, which is just right for washing underwear.
Unstoppable, but that's not the main reason she wants to end her marriage. The real reason why Qiao Ling wants to divorce is because of the "intimate" relationship between her mother-in-law and her son Zhang Xiangzhi.
Zhang Xiangzhi grew up with his mother since he was a child, and the tacit understanding between mother and son made him feel that his mother was the closest person. He obeyed his mother's words, and the two got along without any obstacles.
One day, Qiao Ling came home from work and saw her husband lying half-naked on the bed, while her mother-in-law was in the other half. This scene made Qiao Ling feel very uncomfortable, and she said to her husband, "Do you always get along like this?"”
Both the mother-in-law and her husband were surprised, and they didn't understand why Qiao Ling would ask like this: "Yes, is there something wrong?"”
Qiao Ling was taught to respect her parents and to avoid some behaviors as an adult. When she first married Zhang Xiang, her mother-in-law told her: "In this home, except for the locked door, there is no need for other rooms." The lock of the room is to prevent outsiders, and if you marry in, you are not considered an outsider, so your room should not be locked. ”
This made Qiao Ling feel very nervous, and she was always worried that her behavior in the room might be seen by her mother-in-law. At Qiao Ling's strong request, the new house was locked. However, Zhang Xiangzhi said that even if there is a lock, don't lock the door easily.
Qiao Ling didn't care about this, as soon as she entered the room, she would lock the door with her backhand. Usually the door of her room was open, and her mother-in-law often swaggered in. Qiao Ling didn't want to worry too much about it anymore.
But there are always omissions, and once, Qiao Ling forgot to lock the door after entering the room, and this small mistake made her completely bored with her marriage.
That night, when Qiao Ling returned to the room and was intimate with Zhang Xiangzhi, her mother-in-law suddenly broke in. Qiao Ling felt humiliated, and she realized that she had forgotten to lock the door. Qiao Ling was embarrassed and angry, and her emotions completely collapsed: "You leave immediately!."I've really never seen such a person, and I'm still a highly educated person, why is it so rude?”
The mother-in-law did not change her face, but mocked Qiao Ling: "Is this your courtesy to the elderly?"”
Zhang Xiangzhi persuaded beside him: "Forget it, she didn't mean it." ”
Qiao Ling looked at Zhang Xiangyi's face disapprenously, she really couldn't stand it. The difference between each other's living Xi is too great, the son is always spoiled by the mother-in-law, there is no private space between the husband and wife, the key is that the mother-in-law and the husband both think that there is nothing wrong. This difference in perception made Qiao Ling find it difficult to reconcile.
She casually packed her luggage, picked up her son and left the house. Before leaving, Qiao Ling said to Zhang Xiangzhi: "I really can't live with your mother. Think about it, do you choose me and my son, or choose your mother?If you choose your mother, then let's get a divorce!”
In the family, each member should assert his or her unique role in the network, the mother should show maternal love, and the child should exist as a child.
For the elders, it is necessary to show respect and example. Understand the responsibilities of elders and maintain relationships in appropriate ways, but at the same time avoid putting the parent-child relationship above the couple's relationship. For our adult children, we need to learn to let go, and although we may love them deeply, we also need to accept that they will move into their own lives. As elders, we should keep a certain distance from our children and respect their personal lives.
In a husband and wife relationship, as a husband, you need to learn to balance the relationship between mother and wife. It is necessary to maintain impartiality and neutrality, focus on your own small family, and maintain the relationship between husband and wife with heart. Even if we have a deep affection for our mother, we must understand that "the relationship between husband and wife is the primary factor in family relations", and that only by carefully managing our marriage can we truly feel happiness and stability.
Only by correcting the position of each member in the marriage relationship and maintaining their own integrity can a stable and harmonious family be built.