Have you ever felt this way?
Ask yourself to do your best in everything you do, and if you can't do it, you will blame yourself;
Every time I do something, I procrastinate and be anxious;
When others casually say a word of praise or criticism, they will ponder it repeatedly in their hearts;
There are a lot of ideas, but they just make all kinds of excuses not to act;
The heart is pulled, and every time there is serious internal friction, and I am tired and emo.
If that's what you're like, you might as well read this book "Deep Relationships".
This is one of the most important masterpieces of the psychology writer Wu Zhihong, in this book, Wu Zhihong put forward an argument -
If this happens to you frequently, you probably have fallen into the trap of "almighty narcissism".
What is "almighty narcissism"?
Teacher Wu Zhihong explained that "omnipotent narcissism" is to fall into a false self-perception.
In the eyes of the almighty narcissist, their image is flawless and omnipotent, so good that everyone loves them, and when things backfire, they begin to crumble.
A case is shared in the book.
There was a student who came to consult with Teacher Wu Zhihong. The dilemma this student encountered was that he felt that he could get a perfect score on every test.
In his imagination, he is not only excellent in all his homework, but also in both style and style, and he is a leader in every aspect;A good child in the eyes of teachers, a college bully in the eyes of classmates, and the pride and pride of parents.
At first glance, it seems to be a kind of high-spirited self-confidence, but Wu Zhihong pointed out that in fact, this child has fallen into a state of "omnipotent narcissism".
He has lost an accurate understanding of his own ability and level, and is constructing himself based on his imaginary "achievements". So, when he saw in reality that his true grades were always hovering on the verge of passing, he immediately collapsed.
He was extremely ashamed, kept blaming himself, and fell into a completely helpless and painful situation, which is why he came to Wu Zhihong for help.
Narcissism – failure – collapse is almost an ordeal that "all-powerful narcissists" must go through.
Because no matter how gorgeous the imaginary dream is, there will always be a moment to wake up.
Everyone who gallops in a narcissistic mentality is almost predestined for a falling apart ending.
In addition to this, there is another common manifestation of omnipotent narcissism, called"Sage logic".
It is by suppressing desires to be a great hero who has no desires and no desires.
In the book, Mr. Wu Zhihong pointed out that the most typical representative of this kind is Yue Fei.
* Mu stabbed the four big characters of "loyal to the country" in the back, and his life was sincere to the extreme. He can accept the enemy general who killed his younger brother, his son Yue Yun made mistakes, Yue Fei always punished him heavily, and when he made meritorious service, he concealed it and did not report it.
Yue Fei not only pursued the sublime himself, but also wanted to push the emperor to pursue the sublime as well.
He proposed to Song Gaozong, who was no longer able to have children, to "establish a prince", and shouted that he would welcome back the second sage, that is, the emperor's father and brother.
From Yue Fei's point of view, he was loyal to the monarch and patriotic, persuaded the emperor to set up a crown prince as soon as possible to avoid the rebellion of seizing the heir, and at the same time welcomed back the shame of his father and brother Yixue Jingkang, there is no problem at all.
But the emperor couldn't help but pinch a handful of cold sweat, and the generals talked about the crown prince (do you want to blackmail the Son of Heaven to order the princes?And to welcome back my brother and father to shake my throne, what is the intention?
Song Gaozong didn't want to be a saint, and he didn't have a strong desire to regain the lost land, so he wanted to be a peaceful prince.
In this way, Yue Fei, who had been loyal all his life, brought about the disaster of killing himself.
SoOnce people fall into "omnipotent narcissism", they often end up bringing bad results to themselves.
Because external people and things often do not go as we wish.
The so-called perfection is nothing but a kind of idealism.
When the bubble bursts, all that is left is a mess.
Nowadays, many conflicts between parents and children are rooted in omnipotent narcissism.
In the book, Mr. Wu Zhihong shared another case-
There is a child who doesn't like to eat leeks, and has told his mother many times, but his mother still continues to cook with leeks, and one day, the child can't stand it anymore and shouts:
I've said many times, I don't eat leeks!”
At that time, the mother's reaction was to ask the child in shock: "Haven't you always liked to eat leeks?"”
Then the mother asked, she still cooked leeks as usual, and was noncommittal to the child's crying.
Why does the child say it so many times, but the mother still can't remember it?
The reason is that in many of our East Asian families"Obedient philosophy"., in fact, is an expression of parental omnipotent narcissism-
I am your parent and you must listen to me or you will be punished.
In this case, when the child expresses himself, he is actually undermining the mother's need for omnipotent narcissism.
So in order to maintain the sense of power in her hands, the mother selectively ignores the child's opinion.
You listen to me" is far better than the happiness of children.
Since then, the child's ego has been gradually stifled.
And a person without ego, when he grows up, often becomes a "giant baby" in intimate relationships.
"Ma Bao Man" is a typical performance.
In the mother-son relationship, Ma Bao Nan belongs to the controlled and seems to enjoy all the care, but in fact, every time the mother takes care of her, it is a stifling of the "independent self".
In fact, many "mom bao men" have long accumulated dissatisfaction with their mothers in their hearts, but they will feel guilty because of filial piety and dare not be estranged from their mothers.
The pain under the contradiction between the two sides, Ma Bao Nan vented all of it to his partner.
For example, in "Twenty-Four Filial Pieties", Mencius and Hai Jui are very filial to their mothers, but their attitude towards their wives is very poor. Once, Mencius just felt that his wife was squatting on the ground, so he wanted to divorce his wife.
This is a psychology shared by Ma Bao men, since he can't alienate his mother, a "good mother", he blames his wife for no reason, and vents his dissatisfaction with his mother.
It is equivalent to destroying it with your own hands in an intimate relationship, hurting others and hurting yourself.
The end result is often a "lose-lose".
Therefore, if you want to establish a deep relationship with others and things in reality, and achieve happiness, you must break the shackles of omnipotent narcissism.
In the book, Wu Zhihong put forward a very practical concept of "human nature coordinate system", and the horizontal axis represents the relational dimension, including ** and morality;The vertical axis represents the narcissistic dimension, including power, power.
According to the strength of the two dimensions of narcissism and relationship, he divides human nature into four dimensions:
Quadrant 1: Strong, good-willed, and loving;Teacher Wu Zhihong pointed out——Second Quadrant: Powerful, but with malice and hatred;
Quadrant 3: Weakness, malice, and hatred;
Fourth Quadrant: Weak, but with kindness and love.
Everyone has to try to learn to embrace all positions in the coordinate system of human nature, and the perfection of human nature is much more important than the good or bad of human nature.
At the same time, because people are naturally fond of self-appreciation, it must be extremely difficult to enter the relationship dimension from the narcissistic dimension.
In the book, Mr. Wu Zhihong put forward 4 main suggestions to the majority of readers and friends:
(1) Accept that you are good, but also accept that you are bad.
Don't fight against human nature, no one is perfect.
Narcissism, selfishness are part of human nature.
If you have idealized expectations of human nature, hoping that you only have a bright side and no darkness, this is equivalent to directly denying yourself and taking the initiative to be a "virgin".
It's going to be extremely hard.
And when we learn to allow "I'm not good", it means acknowledging our own selfishness and that of others. In this way, in the relational dimension, express hatred and aggression, so that your emotions will not accumulate.
At the same time, by acknowledging your own limitations, you don't have to feel guilty for occasional laziness and laziness.
(2) Understand procrastination and enjoy slowing down.
People who often procrastinate often have an instructive officer and an executor in their hearts, as long as they give instructions, they must be perfectly executed, but if they are perfectly executed, it means complete obedience, and the self will have a feeling of "being destroyed".
In fact, the essence of procrastination is to prove that "I am myself, not a slave of the commander".
With this in mind, we don't have to dismiss procrastination as bad, but we need to learn to "waste" time on seemingly useless but beautiful things like being in a daze.
Enjoy the beauty of life that exists in addition to efficient work.
(3) Don't be a good person.
The book points out that one of the characteristics of abusive people is that they use "self-sacrifice" to gain a sense of moral superiority, and then satisfy the all-powerful narcissistic mentality.
However, the cruel thing is that if you do this, you will often not be satisfied and you will feel lonely, because the real relationship is one where both people exist, not when one party disappears to satisfy the other.
SoWe must be vigilant against the "masochistic complex" of indiscriminate use of good people, and do not let life waste in time.
(4) When you feel anxious out of control, do housework.
We feel anxious because we fear that something will cause harm or even destruction to us.
When you start doing housework and cleaning, you will temporarily withdraw from your anxious imagination and return to real life, trying to maintain a normal rhythm of life.
This process is actually proving that we are capable of taking care of ourselves, so as to regain a sense of control over our lives, rejuvenate our lives, and fight anxiety.
Going back to the beginning of "Deep Relationships", a question is asked there:
How can a person's psychology be considered healthy?
The answer from the American psychologist Kohut is simple, just four words -Confident, enthusiastic
And in order to build true self-confidence and have sincere enthusiasm, the first thing we need to cross is the barrier of omnipotent narcissism.
To enter the real world, use the real "me" and the real "you" to deeply collide and establish a relationship.
Of course, this process is bound to be difficult and long.
As Ms. Bi Shumin said, "Breakthrough is a process, first experiencing mental detention, then panic of action, and finally the joy of success." ”
As long as you have the courage to take the first step, it is the beginning of success.
On the contrary, if you just huddle in your imagination and live in the brain, you will perceive the strength of power and the level of status, and you will inevitably live anxiously and fragile every day.
For each of us, life is like an experiment, and we can only experience the joy of it if we participate in it.
The more we participate, the closer we are to happiness.
Encourage it.