I have a habit of never figuring out why.
It's that whenever my father is half a meter away from me, I am extremely uncomfortable.
That boredom, disgust rises.
This is a quote from a sister describing her relationship with her father.
When I saw this, I thought about myself, and it was a real coincidence that I was extremely uncomfortable being close to my father. There is a similarity with the story described by Sister A.
My father is away all the year round, and my mother is basically taking care of me at home, and what my mother often tells me most at home is that my father is irresponsible, and my father only cares about himself.
How tired and tired the mother is, how difficult it is. Since childhood, I have planted a prejudice obsession with my father in my heart.
The role of the father seems to be only in the "legend", and this "legend" comes from the mother's narration, and he has no way to verify it.
Although I have seen my father, I have never understood what kind of person my father is, and I don't know how to understand it.
Sister A said that when my father got old and returned to his hometown, he didn't seem to have anything to say to his father, and once he got close, he didn't feel like he wanted to escape, just like his father was a dangerous person.
What's even more terrifying is that when I am old, married and have my own children, I also have to take on the obligation to provide for my parents.
Watching my parents get upset or quarrel in front of me every day makes me even more upset.
And inexplicable headache, I always thought it was some disease, I went to the hospital, and I did an examination, but I never found out the cause.
It wasn't until I studied psychology later that I seemed to have found the roots.
The relationship between the parents is not good, they are not close, they are unfamiliar with the role of their father, and they even bear a lot of grievances with their mothers, and they hate to fight against their father's identity, and even attack their own lives and the other half of their bodies.
That headache comes from an ego attack.
Later, I slowly adjusted myself, and this sister got a lot better. The headache symptoms have also decreased a lot and have become almost inconsequential.
When Sister Ah talked about this part, I thought of the part between myself and my father.
It is true that my father smokes, plays cards, and has no communication skills, and at the age of 60, I can still see a 2-3-year-old figure of my little nephew in the family from my father.
That inexplicable disgust, boredom.
Sometimes even if he didn't smoke or play cards, it was annoying him to stay there for a few more seconds, nearly half a meter away from me.
I've been wondering where this feeling comes from?
Hearing Sister say this, there seems to be an answer.
But the difference is that Sister Ah can see through her own eyes that her father is not what her mother describes, and I seem to be able to only find the root of why my father is like this, but there is no way to see through my own eyes that my father is not what my mother described.
There may even be a deeper feeling of being hurt than the mother has seen and experienced, the feeling of not being loved by the father, because he will not love himself, and you can't even use the right to ask for love from him, and in turn you have to give him the feeling of being a parent.
There is a kind of hatred that the parents in the original family who were originally fathers, that is, the grandparents, did not give enough, but let us who are children bear it.
This is obviously much more complicated.
My father was not away all the time, but spent a long time together, and it didn't make me feel father's love, or there were few moments of father's love.
What I saw was always an immature father figure, without protection, without love, and seemed to just live in his world.
When I came back from work, I didn't want to bring good food and money for my children, but I came back empty-handed, and the only thing I brought back was to bring cigarettes for myself.
This scene was described by my mother, and I seem to have remembered several of these scenes.
But after studying psychology, you have to be self-liberating, because not being able to let go will not help me anything, nor will it help my father change anything.
He is 60 years old, and he doesn't like to learn, or he is not an uncle and sister in the city who will think about realizing his self-worth and learning something.
His life seems to be in a state of stagnation, and there is no way to break through. The only one who can break through is myself.
has analyzed his father's growth experience, he is the most disliked child by his grandmother in the family, and his grandfather is also like his father, he will not love himself, nor will he love his children, all the energy about love comes from grandma, and grandma hates and dislikes his father the most.
He didn't learn much about love.
He will not love himself, where does love have the power to love his own children.
There is a movie "The Life of the Disgusted Matsuko" that reminds me of my father, maybe my father is the life of the disliked Matsuko. When he was a child, he was disliked by his mother, when he got married, he was disliked by his wife, and then he was disgusted by his own children when he had a child.
A person who is not loved, he has no energy.
Whether it is social skills, work relationships, or interpersonal relationships, he does not feel any real and fulfilling happiness and energy.
As a learner, what we can do is to learn to love ourselves, make up for the lack of our original family, and then use our own energy to influence them, Sister Ah wants to influence my mother, and I may have to influence not only my mother but also my father.