Seeing a heart-wrenching**:
A pregnant mother in Hunan was dragged out by her husband and slapped severely.
He grabbed her by the neck and pressed down as she curled up to protect the baby in her womb.
The two sons were on the sidelines and witnessed the whole process.
The youngest son is just able to walkIn order to protect my mother, I kept hitting my father with toys and hitting my father with my fists
The eldest son tried to pull away from DadUnsuccessful, kneeling on the ground, begging dad to "stop fighting".
They try to get their mom to escape from their father's "clutches", however, the reality emphasizes their "powerlessness" over and over again.
The sting pain brought by this powerlessness is like a sharp knife repeatedly inserted into the heartThroughout their childhood, childhood, adolescence, and even into adulthood, they cannot disappear.
In fact, not only domestic violence, but also when the father has bad behaviors such as cheating, drinking, gambling, etc., or even the father is a cowardly and irresponsible person, it will bring a lot of negative effects to the child.
What will happen to these children, who were negatively influenced by their fathers as children, when they grow up?
"I hated my father, so I became a father".
Before, there was a clip in the movie "I Passed Through the Storm", which exploded on the Internet, making countless people sad and shocked after watching it.
It was the scene where the heroine Xu Min went to school to pick up her son - she saw her son pressing his classmates to the ground and beating them, and she didn't realize that the beating was wrong.
However, when she quickly pulled the child up, she asked, "Tell Mom, why are you hitting someone?".”
But I heard my son say angrily, "Do you want to use a towel?"”
In an instant, Xu Min collapsed.
Because this is how her husband Chen Jun wrapped his fist in a wet towel and hit her on the back of the head - in order to give her a deeper "lesson", and also to avoid her from trauma and collect evidence.
Xu Min suddenly realized,Domestic violence is a kind of "teaching by example".
In order to give her child a complete home, she endured everything silently, but she didn't expect it to have such a negative impact on the child's growth.
Yes,Those children who grow up in a domestic violence environment often become numb and indifferent from the initial fear in the experience of their mothers being repeatedly abused by their fathers.
And as these children grow up and become more empowered, they tend to offer their "loyalty" to violence, whether they want it or not.
In 2019, the case of Jin Tianzhu, the great filial son of Cangzhou, Hebei Province, who killed his father, shocked the legal community.
But after learning about his story, he was prompted by the law to commute his death sentence to life at its discretion;There are even countless people who know him and run for him, hoping that the law will reduce his sentence.
Jin Tianzhu has lived in a domestic violence environment since he was a child, and his father always let Jin Tianzhu kneel in front of his mother and younger brother in front of the court and whip them fiercely.
In order to escape his father's domestic violence, Jin Tianzhu ran away from home and went out to serve as a soldier for several years, but in the end, he returned to his hometown because he couldn't let go of his mother and younger brother.
He supported his mother's divorce from his father, and his younger brother not relying on his father.
And just when he thought that life was gradually getting out of the shadow of the past, his father, who had divorced his mother, came to pester them in the 30s of the new year - asking them for money and threatening them to kneel down ......
At this moment, Jin Tianzhu's patience reached the limit.
At the moment when his emotions were out of control, he seemed to be out of place with his father.
As a result, the child who was subjected to domestic violence since childhood and hated violence killed his father on the night of the reunion when he grew up.
This pattern of being negatively influenced by his father when he was a child and becoming "another father" when he grows upIn fact, it appears in many families.
For example, in families where the father has alcoholism and smoking addiction, the child will also have the same Xi, or some serious addictive behavior;
The father is cowardly and does not take responsibility, and the child will also show retreat and fear of difficulties in many things
In families where the father has cheating, it will be difficult for the child to stay with others for a long time and stably in intimate relationships
This is called "attachment trauma" in psychology, and it is when we have inseparable feelings about the source of the trauma.
The father's injury will make the child feel ashamed, feel inferior, and even blame himself for the father's inaction.
It's all my fault, it's all my lack of strength. ”
This self-blame made the son have a deep emotional entanglement with his father, and in the years of tearing, he became like a father little by little.
In addition to this, there is a diametrically opposed and more implicit pattern of reaction:
Some children will behave diametrically opposite to their father under the negative influence of their father, and even dislike their own "masculine characteristics".
For example, I have a visitor whose father gambles and owes debts all year round, and asks his grandmother and mother to help him pay off the money, and even sell the house to pay off the debt.
Whenever he was in debt and couldn't hide it, his father would kneel in front of his mother and grandmother, hug his head and cry, and slap himself wildly, promising that he would change his ......
At this time, he will feel scared, but he can't help but hope that his father will really "change".
However, when the same thing is played out over and over again, he starts to get bored.
Especially later, after his father robbed the family's real estate certificate as a mortgage and ran away with the money, his hatred for his father reached its peak.
He began to dislike his father's eyebrows, and even became physically nauseous when he looked at himself in the mirrorLater, he began to hate his ...... of the same gender as his father
He felt that he should be a gentle and strong woman like his mother and grandmother, and began to develop a crush on men with gentle personalities.
Psychologist Susan. Foward interprets their mentality this way:
Many children who are negatively influenced by their fathers give up on themselves, do not Xi well, and even have physical and mental diseases. ”
The client's sexual orientation was normal, but the perennial and extreme repression distorted the hatred.
His anger towards his father is actually mixed with love, and the two are entangled into a deformed emotion.
He didn't dare to express it to his father, so he turned to attack himself:
Obliterating one's own masculinity, not allowing oneself to live like one's father, pinning one's love for one's father on another man's ......
He even hated his own masculine features, and wanted to cover up his father's shadow with transgender and feminine.
The repressed feelings pushed him to the other extreme:
I didn't dare to hate my father, and instead, I wanted to kill myself who was similar to my father. ”
"I'm afraid of my father, so I'm away from men,
also far from happiness".
The negative impact of fathers does not only happen to sons, but also to daughters.
Previously, a mother shared on the Internet that she thought her daughter was having a good time with her neighbor's brother downstairs, but she found that her daughter was often slapped and pushed by her neighbor's brother.
When she told her daughter, "Baby, don't let others push you and slap your face. ”
Mom, my brother likes me, so he plays with me like this, and he usually treats me well......”
The daughter's response made the mother very heartbroken, and also made her determined to divorce the child's father.
It turned out that the child's father often pushed her and her daughter at home and slapped them.
Each time, she soothes frightened children like this:
That's Dad playing around with us, maybe he's in a bad mood today and his hands are a little heavier. ”
You see, Dad doesn't usually treat you very well, and we went to the zoo to play ...... last week”
Unlike boys, girls, after being negatively influenced by their fathers, often equate those Xi with love or take them for granted.
A female visitor still remembers seeing her father cheating on her when she was 10 years old.
That day, she got out of class early and came home, and through the half-closed door, she saw her father hugging and kissing the nanny who took care of her younger brother.
She immediately spoke out, accused, yelled, and told her as soon as her mother returned.
However, my mother's performance was very flat, and she didn't even hear any quarrels from her parents.
So, she began to hypnosis herself:Maybe Dad still loves Mom very much, and loves this family very much;Maybe men are like that, and it's not a big deal.
Later, when she was in love with her boyfriend, she also found that the other party had a lot of "deviant" and "ambiguous" writing, she didn't care, and she was in love with her boyfriend as always.
Until the two reached the stage of talking about marriage, no matter how her boyfriend proposed marriage and how the parents of both parties urged, she was unwilling to enter marriage with her boyfriend.
She herself felt very strange, so she made an appointment for a consultation, and then she realized that what she had always thought was a normal relationship, a "little thing", was actually so ...... in her heart
Some psychologists believe that the negative behavior of fathers can have two effects on women:
1.Repeatedly experience deformed love.
2.Constantly hurting in intimate relationships.
For example, a girl who suffered domestic violence from her father when she was a child will treat "violence" as **, and although her body longs to escape, her spirit is loyal to this deformed "love";
Girls who lack the support and encouragement of their fathers when they are young will regard "independence" and "strength" as a must, and do not know how to rely on and relax
A girl who was cheated on by her father as a child would be constantly hurt in her intimate relationship, but it would be difficult to leave;
A girl who was abandoned by her father when she was a child would feel tense, restless, and bored when a boy got too close
Previously, there was a client who had a divorce with her husband because of "misogyny".
Her psychological background of "misogyny" is actually an insecurity about men.
Due to the divorce of her parents and the absence of her father since she was a child, she is very distrustful of men and is always anxious that she will be abandoned.
Someday I'll be abandoned";"Sooner or later, he will leave me alone";"Men don't have a good thing," ......
She tacitly acknowledges that she must be an abandoned "victim" in the relationship, so no matter how good a person she meets, she firmly believes that she will have the same tragic ending sooner or later.
That's what I've been doing all my life."
Behind this, in fact, I am constantly experiencing the pain of childhood abandonment, which is difficult to get out of.
Write at the end:
The child is a combination of father + mother, and when she hates his father, he also hates himself.
Seeing this, you may have discovered:
These people, who live in the shadow of a bad father, are living a life full of "self-destructive" tendencies.
Whether it is the boy's violence against violence, or the girl's Xi helplessness, they are actually torturing themselves.
Psychologist Sigmund Freud once argued:Each person is burdened with a pair of opposing desires.
The desire to die and the desire to live.
The desire to die is a negative, misanthropic, self-hating psychology.
Our hatred, fear, and anger toward our fathers reinforces this desire
The desire to be born is a positive, happy, and hopeful psychology.
It will inspire us to let go of the past and find a better, freer, and faster way to live.
And if we want to strengthen the desire to live, the key is that we have to believe:
The negative influence of our father will not accompany us for a lifetime, as long as we are willing to face ourselves, let ourselves go, and heal ourselves.
In the near future, we will come out of the shadow of our father.
Do not be superstitious about "countering violence with violence".and get along with family and friends in a gentle manner;
Do not perpetuate "self-loathing".and strive to be the person you want to be;
Not obsessed with "deformed fatherly love".to experience a warmer, healthier father's love;
Do not indulge in "misogynistic complex".to understand the source of your own fears and actively repair them.
At that time, what kind of person is my father, will really fade from life, and the initiative of life will return to us.
This kind of "fading" will give birth to a certain sense of "abandonment" and "separation" in the heart.
This also means that we also need to have the courage and methods to face "separation and separation".
Keep learning Xi"Be brave and be yourself".Only in this way can one day, we really be ourselves.
Click on the link below to participate in the Xi.
This article is co-authored by Miss Manglai and Zhang Defen Space Chief Writing Group, if you need **, please contact for authorization.
Planning丨Bear.
Editor丨Yifan.