Why is it said that the level of the mother determines the "height" of the whole family?The reason is simple
Moms and dads who have been following me all the time, you may be familiar with the words "attachment" and "security" that I mentioned earlier.
Now, let's dive into how mothers in attachment relationships can have a profound impact on a child's life, and even on the entire family.
In the first few years of his arrival in this world, did he really do nothing?
Absolutely not, in fact, he was attentively watching and listening to his mom (or primary nurturer) almost all the time.
His mother's attitude, tone, and tone of voice when she spoke to him were soft and smiling, or were they full of impatience and reproach?
When mom makes eye contact with him, is it full of joy or displeasure?
When he cried and felt irritable, did his mother embrace him, or did he ignore him or even get angry?
These subtle interactions have unconsciously penetrated into the child's brain, woven into a kind of programmed memory, which can also be said to be a kind of guidance in the subconscious. This kind of memory is not the memory of a specific picture, but more like a subconscious guidance.
It's like learning to ride a bike, and when you ride again, you don't have to think about whether to pedal with your left or right foot first, how you should hold it with your left hand, and how you should hold it with your right hand. You'll effortlessly keep your balance and let the bike move forward with ease.
The way a child interacts with his mother (or primary caregiver) becomes his programmed memory, which, like guiding him on a bicycle, will guide him silently in the years to come.
So, how does this memory determine a child's behavior and character?
In the field of psychoanalysis there is a concept known as "**."
In the process of taking care of the child, it is difficult for the mother to be patient, gentle and good-tempered all the time, and sometimes emotional irritability is unavoidable. Or when the child cries, the mother may not be able to respond immediately because of what is at hand.
In these moments, the child may form the impression of two types of nurturers:
Good Mother (Nurturer): She feeds me when I'm hungry, dresses me when it's cold, plays with me when I'm lonely, and often takes me out for walks.
Bad Mother (Nurturer): She loses her temper with me, ignores me when I cry, refuses to put me to sleep when I'm tired, and doesn't give me milk when I'm hungry.
For a young baby, he does not understand that good mothers and bad mothers are actually the same person. He is even more difficult to understand, and the mother also has her own troubles, waking up several times at night in order to take care of the baby, and dealing with the trivial things of life during the day.
In order to protect the "good mother image" from being affected by the "bad mother image", he used the concept of "**" to treat the mother as two different existences. When the good mother appears, the bad mother disappears;And when the bad mother shows up, the good mother naturally disappears.
The main goal of infant development is to establish secure attachment relationships, meet basic needs and receive emotional support through interaction with the primary caregiver. In this process, babies develop perceptions of "good mothers" and "bad mothers" and try to rule out insecurity factors to ensure a sense of security. Although as children grow up, they come to realize that good moms and bad moms are actually the same person, in order to stay safe, they may try to follow the patterns of behavior that good moms think are "right."
When a child exhibits bad behavior, we are often eager to blame the parenter: "Look, did you teach the child to be like this?".It's because of your negligence that your child has become so unbearable. ”
However, we need to recognise that the harm inflicted on mothers is systemic.
Being a great mother is not only about her personal behavior patterns, but also about the support and help she receives.
In the past, and even in some places, women were still despised as such. Women are often the vulnerable party as they grow up at an early age.
Where does a woman who has not been treated well and who has not been fully loved grow up with the ability to be kind and love another person with all her heart?
Despite her maternal instincts, her procedural memories still influence the way she interacts with her children and family. Therefore, understanding and supporting the mother's growth process, as well as providing the necessary resources and assistance, is essential for building healthy family relationships.
In our culture, there is a common phenomenon that girls do not start small families on their own after marriage, but are integrated into the larger environment of another family.
In contrast, boys can often choose to stay in their families of origin. This leaves the girl not only having to cope with all kinds of pressures from her own family of origin, but also being forced to integrate into her husband's family of origin.
How can we expect a girl to remain gentle, rational and positive when she is helpless, unable to vent when she is angry, and unhelped when she is depressed?This is undoubtedly a difficult task.
Considering the previous consideration, women may experience a range of injuries in their early years, which makes them more vulnerable in adulthood. In marriage, they not only need to cope with the expectations of their own family, but also adapt to the culture and rules of their husband's family.
Therefore, we need to focus on and understand the challenges that women are experiencing in this process. Providing support, listening, and understanding to help them find balance in their families is key to motivating them to maintain a positive mindset. By creating a supportive environment, we hope to help women better adapt and build healthy marital relationships.
Yi Chunli, a lecturer at Peking University's School of Psychology, said: "I hope that our society will be more caring for children, especially girls, because they will become future mothers." ”
I also hope that our society and family can care more about mothers, because she is a safe haven for children and a pillar of stability for families.
Why is it said that the "level" of the mother determines the height of the whole family?
The answer to this question is actually quite simple.