Recently, I heard a quote from a psychologist, Mr. Chang Jun, and I was deeply moved. He said that when his daughter was 14 years old, she was completely reluctant to communicate with him. The daughter closes the door of her room tightly every day, and there is a painting on the door with the words "flammable and explosive, idlers are not allowed to enter". Seeing this scene, Teacher Chang Jun laughed in his heart. At first, I didn't understand: why would my child laugh because he didn't want to communicate with him anymoreLater, I savored it carefully and realized that this "haha" was not for the child, but for himself.
Research by British scientists has shown that 14-year-olds are more inclined to thrill-seeking and risky behaviors, are prone to problems such as fighting, rebellion, and poor learning, and are also reluctant to communicate with their parents. For example, if you ask him to go east, he wants to go west. When parents speak, their children's answers are always "no, no, no......When we hear our child say "no", we should be thankful: it means that the child is growing up, awakening to his sense of self and wanting to create his own world. Sadly, however, not all parents can understand the message of their child's development. If parents can understand and accept their children's developmental needs, their children will be rejuvenatedIf not, growth is like a poison for children.
Personality rebellion is the child's self-balance in seeking growth
In psychology, there is a term called "dependent symbiosis", in which one partner is unable to survive on its own for various reasons and becomes dependent on the other. In order to meet their own needs, the other party may take excessive care of the other party, and gain a sense of value or control from the need, thus forming a symbiotic relationship of dependence.
For example, the age of 14 is a time of personality transition, with a surge in hormones and adrenaline hormones, making them more aggressive, eager for attention, and no longer a well-behaved baby in the traditional sense. At this stage, blindly demanding the child to be obedient as before may cause the child to rebel and show the characteristics of dependent symbiosis. However, this rebellion is not hostile and malicient, it is just that the child is finding his place and defining himself. Although the child resists his parents, he loves them deeply in his heart.
There is a story in the book "Your 13-14 Year Old Child": Arthur, a 14-year-old boy in the story, goes to school in a rage after an argument with his parents over a trivial matter. To ease the awkward atmosphere, Arthur's mother bought the shirt he had always wanted. When he got home from school, Arthur ignored his parents and threw his bag on the bed. But when he saw his favorite shirt, he excitedly ran to his mother and kissed her, apologized to her for the argument in the morning, and said, "Oh my God!".I'm a useless thing, am I?Although Arthur rebelled against his parents, deep down, he loved them deeply, just as he knew that his parents had always cared for him. It's just that when there is a conflict with parents, how to better control emotions and expressions is a challenge for children.
Eventually, they exhibit behaviors that are defined as rebellious, which is a balance between their feelings of being themselves and caring for their parents. Aggressive growth and rough expression are part of the characteristics of children's development at this stage, and they are also the result of their inner struggles. The so-called rebellion does not mean not loving, just wanting to grow in a way that respects oneself more.
Countering violence with violence is the beginning of tragedy
Gibran wrote in The Prophet: "Children are not your children. They are the children of life's desire for themselves, who were born of you, but not of you. This is a very enlightening statement!Parents should be the guides, not the masters, of their children. Nowadays, it is no longer an era when children are forced to grow up. However, not all parents really understand this.
We've seen too many children end up acting out of the ordinary because of their parents' mishandling of the situation. They are tired of school, running away, losing contact, self-harming, etc., these unprecedented behaviors are likely to be committed by today's children. Not long ago, in Beijing, there was a 14-year-old girl, Xiaofan, who slept too late the night before, and got up the next morning with a delay for a while. The parents were anxious because of this, and they entered the house and dropped Xiaofan's things. Xiaofan felt aggrieved, and ran away from home alone on the subway at 6 o'clock in the morning, neither going to school nor contacting his family all day.
Fortunately, Xiaofan met a police comrade, who gave her guidance and enlightenment, and helped her eliminate her resentment towards her father. The child's values are not yet fully formed, and his judgment is not mature. If parents impose their will on their children in an indifferent tone, the children will not be able to understand and may lead to tragedy. Remember the child who jumped to his death after being slapped by his mother?He is also a 14-year-old junior high school student, and because he played poker with his classmates at school, he was asked by the school to invite his parents over. When the child's mother arrived at school, she slapped him in front of the child's classmates without asking why. After the mother left, the child jumped off the parapet wall of the classroom while no one was paying attention, and died due to the severity of his injuries that could not be saved.
It's hard to imagine how desperate that kid was before jumping off the building. Now that it's happened, why can't you communicate it with your child?At least pay attention to the occasion, protect the dignity of the child and give him a chance to explain. Carl Jung once said, "A healthy man does no harm." "Being naughty and making mistakes is never an excuse for a child to behave badly. The attitude of parents is the vane that determines the fate of their children.
Let yourself be yourself and allow your child to be your child
The age of 14 is the half-mature stage of life, with both the body of an adult and the immature mind. This trait complicates the relationship between children and their parents. In order for the rivers in our children's hearts to waver, we should be ourselves and give them enough space. First of all, it is necessary to clarify the bottom line and let the child know the boundaries of behavior. "Mencius: Lilouxia" said: "People have to do nothing, and then they can do something." "Only by knowing what not to do can we better know what can be done. We can't just assume that children will grow up to be sensible. Children who don't have rules and bottom lines can't grow up. 14-year-olds' values are not yet stable, and they are eager to explore the world, so they need clear rules and boundaries to guide their behavior. For example, we can tell a child, "You can be bad, but you can't be bad." ”
Specific rules can include: 1) not endangering one's own safety;2) Do not break the law;3) Do not harm the interests of others, etc. The rules should be clear and concise and need to be agreed upon with the child. With a bottom line, there is a greater scope of action. Within the bottom line, children are free to explore, practice, and discover the world. After all, freedom with constraints is true freedom. I believe that children will also benefit for life.
It is very important for parents to love and pay attention to their children, but at the same time, they need to respect their individuality and ability to think independently. As parents, we should be role models for our children and give them the right guidance and education. When a child has a problem or is disoriented, we should reflect on our behavior and education style in time as an observer, instead of blaming the child excessively. Through communication and understanding, we can better help children get back on track.
In addition, as parents, we also need to pay attention to our own growth and mental health. It is important to accompany your child, but you should not give up your own interests and development. Only by doing a good job can we give children better energy and strength and become a guide for their growth. We should be clear about what we expect from our children and lead by example and set a positive example. Through our efforts and support, children will have a greater chance of becoming the kind of person we want them to be.
Liu Qing said: "The key to life is often only a few steps, especially when you are young. "The age of 14 is a crucial watershed moment and children need respect, companionship and wisdom to guide them. Education is not a competition, but a cloud-driven cloud. In the face of children's problems, parents should be tolerant and accompanied, and give children room to grow. Children are the most beautiful music for parents, and parents are the eternal background color of children.
List of high-quality authors