Published in Jiangsu
Interview date: November 15, 2023.
Location: Mental Health Center, Changzhou De'an Hospital.
Psychological counselor: Zhou Jie.
Case Summary: The reasons why it is easy to break up in a long-distance love run and how to maintain an intimate relationship.
According to Korean media reports, actors Lee Hye-ri and Yoo Jun-yeol, who played Sung Deok-sun and Kim Jung-hwan in the Korean drama "Please Answer 1988", announced their breakup on November 13, ending their seven-year love.
Hey, one ancient!For viewers who love this Korean drama, this winter is too cold. Many netizens said regretfully: "I thought the news about you would be marriage, but I didn't expect it to be a breakup", "The seven-year itch, it's divided, what else is true", "The ending of long-term love and not marriage is basically a breakup". There seems to be no shortage of such phenomena in life, some people have waited for many years to propose, just waiting for a sentence "You like the sea, I have loved you";Some people have been in love for many years but were broken up because "shoes don't fit";Some people supported them all the way, but they parted ways after becoming famous. Why is it so hard to run long distances in love?
It's always easy to fall in love, it's too hard to get along. Robert J. Sternberg, a professor of social psychology at Yale University in the United States, proposed the "love triangle theory", which may give us some hints.
He believes that all love experiences are made up of three elements: passion, intimacy, and commitment.
Fervor. Passion refers to an emotional obsession, a state of "strong desire to be united with the other person", and personal appearance and inner charm are important factors affecting passion.
For example, in the early stage of love, both parties will always appear in front of each other in the most perfect posture, which makes people's hearts pound and their eyes bright. The girl who can usually show off three bowls of rice chews the salad elegantly, gentle and cute;Usually sloppy boys will also clean themselves up, gentlemanly and humorous, and there is always a feeling of excitement for each other at that time. The mechanism of dopamine secretion tells us that the human brain is born with a thirst for "unexpected joy", and when anything (including love) becomes habitual, that excitement disappears. Especially after living together, the truest and unbeautified side of each other is exposed in front of each other, the stinky socks thrown around, and the long hair all over the ground are daily, so the ideal is disillusioned, so the passion fades, and the love runs and runs away.
Intimacy. Intimacy refers to the feeling that two people like each other psychologically, and it is an experience that can cause warmth, including appreciation for the lover, the desire to care for the lover, the self-disclosure and inner communication.
If passion is primarily dominated by physical characteristics, intimacy is more derived from psychological needs. Information seconds back, ** seconds, report the itinerary, share the daily, or do not miss every anniversary, or give patient companionship, or reveal the true heart, watch the snow and the stars and see the moon together, from poetry and poetry to the philosophy of life, these little things are gathered together to become the basis of a sense of security. The so-called emotional value is to make each other emotionally resonate through such interactions, so as to increase intimacy and deepen feelings.
Lee Hye-ri once said happily in an interview: "Yoo Jun-yeol always understands me and cheers for me, I am deeply moved, I want to say thank you to Yoo Jun-yeol, and I feel respected." And then, "I didn't hear from him all day." In fact, long-distance running is not the original sin of love, because there are lovers who eventually become married, and not being understood, not respected, not needed, and not cherished is the main culprit that destroys intimacy.
Promise. Commitment mainly refers to an individual's inner or verbal expectation of love, and is the most rational component of love.
Commitments are made up of two aspects, namely short-term commitments and long-term commitments. A short-term commitment is a decision to love someone or not, while a long-term commitment is a commitment to maintaining the love, including loyalty and responsibility to the love. It is often said that marriage requires impulsiveness, because the longer people are in love, the more rational they will be, and they will weigh the pros and cons more from an objective point of view, so they become hesitant and hesitant. Although love does not necessarily need to be restrained by marriage, but the willingness to enter into marriage also means the affirmation of the other party, if you know that the other party is waiting for a result, but you have repeatedly delayed, this hesitation itself will live up to trust and hurt feelings, "What's funny is not the traffic light, not the timing, but my countless hesitations." ”
Love Triangle Theory.
Whether it's a couple who is eager to achieve positive results in a long-distance love run, or a couple who is struggling to get through the "seven-year itch", how can they maintain a long-term intimate relationship?
Reduce emotional exhaustion.
After being together for a long time, there are always people who worry about whether the love is weak and whether the other party will cheat, so they look for clues in life and become suspicious.
Murphy's Law tells us that as long as there is this possibility, things tend to go in the wrong direction you imagined. Because when you're afraid of something, you're more likely to mess it up because you're afraid. Your suspicion and lack of confidence can cause stress and create an emotional crisis for the other person.
The theory of self-expansion proposed by psychologists argues that people have an innate motivation to become a better version of themselves. Through spending time with your partner, you can gain new experiences and unlock new skills that enrich your cognition, and studies have shown that this kind of "relationship growth" can effectively promote relationship longevity and satisfaction. So, from now on, stop worrying about bad things that haven't happened, focus on "growing in a relationship", and participate in challenging and innovative activities with your partner, such as skiing, dancing, etc., to make your relationship more positive.
Stop over-running-in.
The running-in period originally refers to the process of contact, friction and occlusion of mechanical parts in the initial operation, and in the relationship and marriage, it refers to the process of adjusting each other in order to get along better after the shortcomings of both parties are exposed. "If you love me, change for me;Because I love you, I want to change for you", moderate change is beneficial to the relationship, but in order to avoid friction and quarrels during the run-in period, some people will choose to suppress their own needs, obey the other party's requirements, and maintain the illusion of sweetness of the relationship by changing themselves without a bottom line, "Okay, good, listen to the baby" and "I like what the baby likes".
In his book "Intimacy", Christopher says: "The real motivation behind people starting and maintaining an intimate relationship is really the need. "On the surface, it looks like a good run-in, but the constant pent-up demand can make people more and more painful, and eventually it can explode because of a small thing. After all, how can two different people be an affiliate of another person?Don't put your limited life into infinite running-in, don't expect the other party to change for yourself, and don't compromise for the other party, give up yourself, sometimes you can try to look at the shortcomings from a different angle, go both ways, and try to accept.
Although I hope that all feelings can last for a long time, but don't be bound by the long-term and long-lasting, the length of time is not the only criterion for measuring whether the relationship is worth it or not. After hard work, maybe you should accept it, regret is the norm in the world, and then ask is: love.
Zhou Jie. National Psychological Counselor, Psychologist, Social Worker. He graduated from Wenzhou Medical University in Applied Psychology in 2012. In 2019, he participated in the Sino-US Xiaoxiang Spiritual and Psychological Summit Forum. Since 2012, he has been engaged in psychological counseling and has rich clinical experience in various emotional and behavioral problems of adolescents and young adults. Main directions: family**, humanistic psychology**, cognitive behavior**, sand table**, group psychology**. He is good at depression, anxiety, obsessive-compulsive, phobia and other neuroses, sleep disorders, personal self-growth experience, emotional marriage, and various emotional and behavioral problems of children and adolescents.