Dear F: Let me hug you first, hard work.
After reading your letter and understanding your story, in fact, the effect of others saying that you want to see the opening point or ask for condolences is 0, which will not help you at all. There is no empathy in this world, because others are not parties to this relationship, so the joys, sorrows and sorrows are not the same. But I can still feel the deep sadness, self-blame, guilt, regret and other complex emotions that flow between the lines.
The sudden disappearance of an important person from your life is undoubtedly like a nuclear bomb striking you when you are defenseless, and the energy of ** is at the level of devastating. It's not like getting sick, it may go through a long process of acceptance, it's gradual, and the impact will be smaller at the end. People are often hit harder when they are not prepared, mainly psychologically.
Now you are still in the emotional catharsis period, crying, shaking, malaise, and even bring some physical discomfort is normal, you don't need to deal with it, just let yourself be in this state for a while, empty and do nothing, lie in bed all day, and wrap yourself in the quilt. In fact, the bed can bring us a lot of security, just like when we are really injured, we need to stop bleeding and bandage it as soon as possible, and we can sleep in bed when we are tired of crying. I just hope that in addition to being sad, you can stay a little sober, 99% out of control, 1% of your sanity can pull you back, don't be overwhelmed by negative emotions, and don't spend it at the cost of torturing your body.
It is natural to rest and breathe when you are injured, you don't have to think about how to get out quickly, let go of this matter quickly, and take your time. Time is the best medicine, healing wounds and healing the soul. But what exactly do you have to fill in during this time to have the best effect? Do nothing? Or is it full? Everyone's choices or comfort levels are different, so you don't have to be harsh on yourself.
No one can stop this from happening, maybe it is God's arrangement, you don't need to think about what happened at that time, it wouldn't have happened, the responsibility is not you, the reason is not you, it is not because of quarrels and separations that accidents happen, and no one can imagine that the fragility of life does not fall on your head.
He is an important role in your emotional support, and his sudden departure will indeed have a sense of collapse, he is an important corner, and now you feel unsatisfactory because of the loss of this corner, but our adaptive ability and resilience are sometimes much stronger than we imagined. You must know that the little things that have filled your emotions that have made you laugh and cry are all past memories worth cherishing, indicating that you have lived up to each other along the way, and they are also worth remembering in the future.
I watched a clip in the final chapter of the Japanese manga "Attack on Titan", the male protagonist Alan knew in advance that he would die, and cried and said to his friend Amin that he hoped that Mikasa would only have him in his heart in his life, and hoped that Mikasa would be happy but could not accept that she had other men, even if he remembered him more than ten years after his death.
Even more frightening than death is being forgotten by loved ones. Ten years, twenty or thirty years, as long as there are still people missing, it proves that his life is worth it, and he has not lived in vain. You can make him a part of your heart, a soft and loving part, with tears but also with a smile.
Miyazaki said: "Actually, I knew early on that we were not suitable, but I still rejected everyone and accompanied you through a fruitless road. Although it is not a long time, it will be unforgettable for a lifetime, it is really sad to think about it, I can't keep you and let you go. ”
Since you can't keep it anymore and can't let it go, then learn to live peacefully with this thing, just like you polish it carefully, and slowly get this piece of the puzzle closer to the missing corner. Choose to leave only love, let regrets become regrets, try to pray for Him, may He be calm, and trust that He will carry your prayers into the next reincarnation.