Psychologist Murray Bowen once proposed an important "triangulation theory":
The most basic relationship between people is the relationship between two people, and when two intimate relationships go wrong, it is often necessary for a third person to intervene to alleviate the anxiety caused by two people.This is called "derangement" of family relationships.
For example, after some women have children, they completely neglect the relationship with their husbands, and all their energy is used to take care of and manage the children, resulting in the alienation of the relationship between husband and wife.
Some parents, especially wives, like to pull their children in when they have problems with their husbands, let them stand in line, and even force their children to save their relationship with their husbands.
When some parents are anxious and stressed, they begin to tell their own difficulties, let their children fight for themselves, and let their children be responsible for themselves.
When parents have these behaviors, they are already in a state of "falling in".Family triangulationmode.
In such a relationship, the relationship between the child and the parents is completely misplaced, it becomes a kind of feeding relationship, the child becomes the parent of the parents, becomes the caregiver of the parents' emotions, and acts according to the face of the parents
The feelings of the parents are more important than my feelings", "I want my parents to be proud of me", "I must be excellent", such children are sensible, but they always suppress themselves.
Once the family relationship enters the "triangulation", it will ultimately hurt the children.
The impact of triangular relationships on children
One, the child becomes an emotional spouse.
The child takes the place of the father and becomes the emotional spouse of the mother.
Because of the mother's happiness and happiness, the mother's sadness and sadness, in a position to take care of the mother's emotions.
In turn, mothers will also touch their hearts because of their children's performance.
If the child is well-behaved and sensible, and has excellent academic performance, the mother will have a sense of satisfaction and feel that her life is worthwhile;
If the child is rebellious and disobedient, the mother feels that life is hopeless.
Second, the child has become a little adult.
This situation may be due to the absence of one parent in the family, such as a serious illness of parents, a migrant worker, or a divorced parent.
Children take on the responsibility of taking care of the family at an early age, and their minds are more mature, but at the same time, they feel that they have low self-esteem and feel meaningless, and they are prone to depression or other psychosomatic diseases in the process of growing up.
Three, the child has become a little devil.
In the triangulation process, he is attacking his parents.
Such families tend to adopt a triangular approach to transfer.
Parents transfer their dissatisfaction with marriage to their children, always feeling that it is the children who cause them to be unable to get out, and the children will feel very unfair
Why do you beat and scold me and lecture me every day if you are unhappy in your marriage? Why am I being implicated by you?
He will be especially upset with his parents. In other words, I can't get the parents I want, and I will most likely let you not get the children you want.
So, they will deliberately make themselves bad.
Are you looking forward to me learning? If I don't study, I'm going to skip class and get tired of school, do you expect me to be healthy? I'm going to hurt myself.
This is called an aggressive roundabout shift, attacking a parent in a way that attacks oneself.
Fourth, the child became a little sick person.
Small patients are more well-behaved and sensible, and often make themselves weak and sickly, for example, prone to headaches, brain fever, allergies and vomiting.
Many times, as soon as the parents quarrel, the child gets sick, and in this case, they put aside their conflict to focus on the child.
Frail children are often anxious in order to divert from the conflict between their parents.
How to deal with triangulation in the home?
First of all, to all of you.
Mom is mom, dad is dad, child is child, don't intentionally or unintentionally let your child be your own parent.
For example, some parents ask their children: Do I want to divorce your father?
How much of a shock and damage does it take for a child to decide such a thing?
Secondly, the grandparents and grandparents in intergenerational parenting are not core family members, and major matters should be discussed by the parents in the process of raising children.
Children are like mobile phones, if there is 90% of the battery left, obviously there is no need to charge, parents always keep charging him, and the child has to drag a heavy burden wherever he goes;
And some children are about to run out of power, but the parents still do not show up to charge, or criticize, pick, blame, and persecute, and the child will shut down and stop running.
Parents are children's power banks, and when the power bank is out of power, they can't use their mobile phones to charge themselves.
When the power bank is out of power, go find a power source, such as girlfriends, friends, parents, lovers, and psychological counselors.
Parents turn their gaze back to themselves.
When parents' personality is not healthy enough, their own problems are difficult to solve, and they will unconsciously impose their fears, anger, needs, feelings, etc. on their children, so that children can satisfy themselves.
The child becomes a shell, manipulated and appropriated by the will of the parents.
In this case, the child cannot have vitality, he is just a "slave".
Humanism has a very well-known point of view
Everyone is born upward, they all want to be recognized by the mainstream, they want to be respected, seen, and trusted. These things are innate, we just need not to destroy them, not to interfere with them.Adolescent children will have a lot of conflicts, not only to develop themselves, to become themselves apart from their parents, but also to pay attention to their parents' emotions, to raise their parents, if the child has no way to become himself happily and without hindrance, psychological problems will appear, because this conflict is too big for the child to deal with.
They worry about disappointing their parents, and they are also angry that they didn't do a good job in the past.
Under long-term internal friction, anxiety, depression, and fear are all manifested.
If you want to get your child out of anxiety, depression, and fear, the most important thing to change is the soil.
Parents change the pattern of parenting and look back at themselves.
Parents have independent personalities
Have we ever wondered if our personality is independent?
Do you have to be attached to your child in order to show your own value?
For example, if the child is fine, I will be fine.
This sentence is very typical.
He's saying that I don't have myself, that I'm clinging to the child like a vine
If he is good, I will be good; If he's not good, I'm not good, and I don't have myself at all.
It is recommended that parents grow through their own learning, learn a skill, increase knowledge, and make themselves more powerful, more competent, and have a sense of achievement.
The more we are able to withstand the uncertainties of life, the healthier our personality becomes, including how our own anxiety and depression are handled.
When we see that my child's grades fluctuate, we see that my child's abilities are not as I would like.
How we deal with anxiety and depression is our parents' own subject.
Zeng Jifeng once said that parents should stay away from their children, even if they go to square dance and play mahjong, if they don't stick to him, he can grow up.
Then we need to do it,Recognize a fact:
Parent-child love is one-way water, which can only flow from the top down, and love can only be given to children from parents, not the other way around.
Understand a truth:
Know your original needs as much as possible.
The more parents understand the greatest need in their hearts, the less they will be controlled by the want, and the less they will project it onto their children.
Adhere to two principles:
The first is to be able to do it independently within the child's ability, and parents should not interfere excessively.
Anything that crosses the line is the need of the parents.
That's what Winnickett calls just the right amount of frustration.
The second is that the parents' emotions should be satisfied first, rather than sacrificing themselves beyond their ability to satisfy their children.
What do we parents have to do?
Understanding, support and companionship, respect and independence.
In this way, your child, in his family of origin, will be able to get enough security, belonging and separation, and he will be able to develop himself better.