A must-see for the New Year: Learn to quarrel tutorials
Hello everyone, I'm Maruko. The New Year is coming, have you all gone back to your hometown? For me, going home was both anticipatory and apprehensive. I look forward to walking the streets and alleys, feeling the flavor of my hometown, eating rice noodles from my hometown, and chatting with my old friends.
But I'm also apprehensive because I'm 28 years old and I have an older sister who is three years older than me. The two of us didn't start a family for a long time, which worried the whole family.
Every time I go home for the Chinese New Year, I can feel the pressure of my relatives everywhere urging me to get married.
Sometimes, in front of my relatives, I can easily deal with it, and push the problem of urging marriage as "I'm looking, I'm looking, I'm looking for it, it's going to be fast"; However, once I returned to my parents, I could no longer pretend to be stupid like this, but would quarrel with them over the issue of urging marriage, or even break up unhappily.
This made me wonder why I was able to deal with my relatives when faced with the issue of urging marriage, but when faced with my parents, it was so intense.
After going through one pointless argument after another, I began to realize that these quarrels often stem from a few unbearable words. For example, "Look at your neighbor, how happy the flash marriage is, you should also get married!" ”
What's the point of living without marriage, what do you do to make money, and in the end, it's not a lonely old age? "If you don't get married, you're going to become an expired discounted item, and no one wants it!" ”
These words are not only stressful, but also anxiety-inducing. In arguments, we tend to put too much emphasis on our own opinions and ignore the feelings of the other person. Therefore, we should try to understand each other, respect each other's choices, and not let these senseless quarrels affect our relationship.
The following passage makes your heart burn, and every time you hear it, you are angry because of the other party's logical loopholes, such as partial generalizations, personal attacks, slippery slope fallacies, etc. But arguing with her parents often ends up just saying that she talks about the West, and you tell her that "being happy in marriage does not mean that everyone is happy", but she insists that marriage is the destination of women.
The end result is that you refute her in her context, and she always ignores it, constantly throwing out new attacks and logical fallacies. You always believe that your point of view is right and want her to correct her wrong ideas and thoughts.
But in the end, you failed to convince her, and instead made yourself very angry. However, something happened later that made you stop wanting to change her mind.
The questions you are bothered with are the answers given by others.
I finally understood that my blind spot in looking at the problem turned out to be my mother's ** coping with anxiety. I finally understood that what she said before was not a true wish, a true wish was"I'm under a lot of pressure to get married, and I need you to help me release the pressure, and it's best to transfer my pressure to you and let you get married quickly, so that they won't rush me anymore. "
I finally understood that my mother also had the predicament of her time, and the concept was not formed overnight, and I couldn't use the concept of my time to ask her to keep pace with me.
Since then, I have stopped persuading her and have stopped arguing over it. Whenever my mom gets emotionally out of control, I do what I have to do and don't argue with her, and she gets bored when she finishes talking and stops automatically.
In this way, I learned that as long as the other party does not actually act to hurt me, but only verbally, my attitude will always be"Everything you say is right, even if you say 1+1=3 I agree. "
This mindset shift avoids 90% of the troubles.
If you find yourself stuck in a "demand-resist-pressure-threaten-yield" cycle, then you may be suffering from emotional blackmail. In this case, your other person is trying to control you through various means to achieve their own ends.
If the other person is pressuring or threatening you through their identity or relationship, then you must take it seriously, as this can be typical of emotional blackmail. When judging whether the other party has carried out emotional blackmail, the most important thing is to see whether the other party has pressured and threatened behavior.
For example, the other person may use their status or relationship to pressure you or threaten you, such as: "I'm your mother, can I still hurt you?" That's how you talk to parents? ”
Why are you so selfish, only thinking about yourself, in the future, we will rely on each other as a fate, as if there is no daughter like you" "I don't even want to help with this little favor, it's really not interesting, and I thought we had a good relationship before I looked for you".
If you find yourself being emotionally blackmailed, be sure to seek help in time to protect your rights.
The three major methods of emotional blackmail: attacking the sense of value, triggering guilt, triggering fear, and causing fatality. We feel deeply guilty, have a responsibility to meet the other person's demands, and even want to prove to the other person that we are good, good, and not selfish, and agree to the other person's request, thus falling into the trap of emotional blackmailers.
Therefore, we need to protect our sense of self-worth, refuse to fall into guilt, and resist the means that trigger fear. The book "Emotional Blackmail" makes us deeply aware that emotional blackmail is everywhere, and that in the face of conflict, we should speak up for our own boundaries rather than blindly compromise.
The core idea of this passage is that compromise and conflict avoidance will only make the other party more advantageous, and that firmly defending oneself is the key to solving emotional blackmail, and the book gives some effective ways to deal with it.
Now I am sharing these methods with you, and I hope that you will also feel empowered when facing similar problems.
Every time we are about to face a situation where we may be emotionally blackmailed, we should make a pact with ourselves that I want to be an adult who can take control of my life and no longer let fear, responsibility, and guilt dominate my life.
If the next time I fail again, or repeat the same mistakes, I won't use it as an excuse to escape, but as an opportunity to learn and grow. I will slowly drive emotional blackmail out of my life, take good care of myself, and no longer let others control me.
Stick to this promise to read it several times a day, and feel more empowered every time you read it. "
Every time we feel that we can't handle the emotional blackmail of the other person, it's because we think we can't handle it . We were afraid that he would be angry at me, that he would ignore me, that we would even be afraid of losing the relationship, that we would have endless arguments, and that we would feel guilty.
However, in reality, we are stronger than we think. Thinking back to the difficult times of the past, we thought we couldn't bear the pain, but we all got through it.
So, when we feel fear, we might as well turn "I can bear" into a mantra and repeat it ten times. He may be angry, but it doesn't matter, I can bear it, even if the relationship breaks down because of this, it doesn't matter, I can bear it, he is cold and violent to me, it doesn't matter, I can bear it, he denies me completely, it doesn't matter, I can bear it.
Before some difficult communication, we can also rehearse in our minds, imagine that we are coming face to face with an emotional blackmailer, and imagine that we are holding a shield with the words "I can bear" in your hand.
When the other person starts to put pressure on us, we can hold our shield high and tell ourselves that I can withstand anything that may happen. Because, I can bear it.
In the face of emotional blackmail, we cannot compromise, we cannot accept offers, we cannot debate with the other party, and we must resolutely declare all the actions of the other party null and void. When the other person is angry and yelling, we can say, "Your anger can't shake my decision." ”
If the other side continues to attack, we can say, "If this continues, things won't go anywhere." If the other person is emotional, we can say, "Now is not the time to communicate, we'll talk when we calm down." ”
Then leave the scene immediately, avoid any communication with the other party online, do not answer no matter what the other party says, and resolutely ignore the other party. In doing so, it is to protect oneself and to resolutely resist emotional blackmail.
1.When the other party calms down, immediately praise the other person: "Very good, I like the way you calm down, can we communicate with a calm attitude?" ”
If the other person gets excited again, we just need to repeat the previous steps. 2.When dealing with emotional blackmail, the above process needs to be repeated as well. Always convey the message to the other person: "I understand that you are feeling aggrieved and frustrated, but this matter is non-negotiable. ”
You have the right to remain silent, but that doesn't change anything. Your pain is your own choice. ”。3.Emotional blackmailers use this tactic repeatedly because they get it every time.
Once they find that this way does not serve their purpose, emotional blackmail is automatically terminated.
Let's deepen the impression with a scenario simulation. This weekend, I'm going to see Maruma, and I'm fully prepared. First of all, I lowered my expectations, knowing that we would definitely talk about marriage when we met, and her opinion might not change, so I didn't hold out any hopes.
Then I told myself that if Maruma just spoke about it, I wouldn't bother with her and let her release the pressure. If she starts to put pressure and threats, I make a pact with myself that I will stop the other person's emotional blackmail and not let the other person control my life.
If she really started to blackmail me emotionally, such as: "If it weren't for the fact that you weren't married, I would have gone back to my hometown to enjoy Qingfu, or because I couldn't rest assured of you, I wouldn't dare to retire, I'm tired to death every day, and you're still ignorant!"
If you don't bring someone back next year, you won't go home for the New Year! I would tell her, "It's your own choice, and I'm not going to marry someone just because you don't retire." ”
Whatever you say, it can't change me. ”
If your loved ones start using their "killer feature" – crying, I advise you to stay calm and stand your ground. You have to tell yourself, "I can take it," and you can't make them feel like they can get what they want just by crying.
You should insist that their actions are invalid against you: "It may make you sad, but I will make my own decisions about my own life." If they continue to cry and become more and more agitated, you can calmly tell them, "You're so excited, I don't think we're able to communicate effectively right now."
Let's wait until you calm down. Then leave, without giving them any response, until they calm down. During this process, if you feel hesitant or soft-hearted, think back to your agreement with yourself and the commitment you made to yourself.
You can also refer to the above process to simulate the scenarios that may arise after meeting your family members, and think about what the other person may say and how you should respond to it to show your firmness.
Finally, share Satya's poem "When My Heart Is Strong Enough": When my heart is strong enough, you accuse me, I feel your hurt; You please me, I see that you need recognition; You are super intellectual, I feel your fragility and fear; You interrupted, and I know how eager you are to be seen.
I wish you all a strong heart. I'm Maruko, and I look forward to seeing you next time!
At the end of the year and the beginning of the year, many people start to think about making an annual plan. However, is annual planning really necessary? Want to find out? Hurry up and click below to follow Reconstruct Yourself, reply to the annual plan, and let's ** this topic together!