Anyone who has been through a divorce has a belly full of stories of war and struggle. Divorce, like the loss of a loved one, a broken family, or a serious illness, can be stressful. The reason it's so scary is because our brains see it as a threat to life. The same happens when a marriage is in crisis. At this point, your sympathetic nervous system will act like an activated siren that prompts you to take action, like a dog sees a squirrel. For you, that means pursuing freedom and escaping from difficult situations.
In a marital crisis, your spouse may not want to divorce, and they may go into fight-or-flight mode, doing whatever it takes to save the marriage. This can become a burden for you because at this point your brain just wants to stay away from them. If you are conflicted about a divorce but are overwhelmed, then you may need a brief separation, no more than six months, to help yourself calm down and think rationally.
When the sympathetic nervous system is excited, you shouldn't make a big decision like divorce. Whatever you do, you must work with a family mentor who understands marital crisis and the nervous system. I have created a document for couples who want to separate properly called "Managing Separation". This document provides you with the purpose and guidelines for the various aspects of separation. Give the paperwork to the family mentor and let them be your guide for your separation.
My experience is that sooner or later, the divorce process will bring out the worst in people, as the sympathetic nervous system is firing and making us become impulsive like immature teenagers. Therefore, putting an end to the low tide of divorce is one of my goals in life. If you choose to divorce, I want you to try to control yourself.
If you have children after a divorce, there is no excuse to do anything other than to act in their best interests. After separation, divorce, and divorce, children come first, your needs come second, and that remains so until they reach adulthood. If you want to keep yourself in the first place, then maintain a marriage relationship with the mother or father of the child and maintain the healthiest family hierarchy - the parents are at the top of the totem pole, then the children.
For divorcees with children, children come first, and you come second. During the divorce process, if either party misbehaves, it is usually because one party threatens to take the child, ruin the partner's life, refuse to share fairly, or retaliate in some painful way. But I'll be clear: there's absolutely no excuse for that. Judges will not take children away from irresponsible parents. When your ex is with the kids, you won't be able to control how they manage the kids, so you need to learn to comfort yourself when things happen that you don't like. Unless it is abuse and real child harm, do not interfere with the other party's practices. Neither the decision-maker nor the partner who is taking a step forward has the right to decide what is best for the child. You may think you're the better parent and deserve the most to speak, and maybe you're more responsible than the person you're about to be ex, but the law doesn't see it that way.
Learn to love yourself, stand your ground, find support, and keep hope. Although divorce is a difficult journey, as long as you face it bravely and ask for help, eventually you will come out of it and find your own happiness again.