Hello, I'm Qing Yao.
"Some people live under the aura of others, and after a long time, they get used to being a haze. ”We live in society, there is no way to exist independently, and no matter what we do, we will be connected to others.
And this connection can also create all kinds of bonds, and with it also bring troubles.
Read Chapter 2 today: All Troubles Come from Relationships.
01 All troubles** are in interpersonal relationships
For example, the philosopher once tutored a female student, who was frustrated by the fear of meeting people, and she blushed when she saw them.
I want to cure my blush and confess to my beloved boy.
The philosopher's analysis: Because she is afraid of meeting people and being hurt in interpersonal relationships, she will have this kind of blushing behavior to fight.
He doesn't think it's a disease, it's just that he's too afraid of the blow and self-denial that comes with rejection.
Philosophers believe that all human troubles originate from human relationships.
And this interpersonal relationship is inherently subjective.
This subjectivity, which lies in how you perceive, affects your life.
Philosopher example: A person with a height of 155 thinks in his heart that if I had a normal height, I would have a happier life.
However, if you are taller, you lose the advantage that being short enough to let your guard down.
It's not a question of how tall you are, it's about how you perceive your height.
Because of comparison, you will feel inferior because of the gap, and if you don't compare, you won't think you're short.
He believes that there is no such thing as an "internal problem" and that all the problems originate from others.
02 Low self-esteem is an excuse
Adler said: "The pursuit of superiority or inferiority complex is not a pathology, but a stimulus capable of promoting health, normal effort and growth." ”
The philosophers believe that inferiority itself is normal, and that we should abandon inferiority and continue to improve.
Young people believe that the more low self-esteem they have, the more negative they are.
But philosophers think that this is not inferiority, it is an inferiority complex.
Feelings of inferiority can be an opportunity for hard work and progress.
But an inferiority complex is a state in which one's inferiority complex is used as some kind of excuse.
It's like some people think that they can't succeed because they have a low education, and they don't look good and don't get married.
Philosophers believe that people attribute some of their failures to external reasons such as friends, parents, education, looks, etc., because they are afraid to move forward or don't want to really work hard.
Unwilling to make sacrifices to change the current state of comfort.
Lack of "courage" to change lives.
And those who are more conceited and inferior are because of the "superiority complex".
Acting as if he was good, and then immersed in a false sense of superiority.
Others will use this as a way to dominate others by exaggerating their misfortunes.
Philosophers give examples of babies as the most powerful because they dominate adults through their weakness.
Philosophers believe that the inability to achieve something because of low self-esteem comes from subjective fabrication, and is an excuse to confront reality.
03 Life is not a race against others
The philosopher's answer is not to compete with anyone, as long as you keep moving forward.
A healthy sense of inferiority is not to compare with others, but to compare with one's ideal self.
We are different, but equal.
We don't move forward to compete with anyone, but to constantly surpass ourselves.
"The only one who cares about your face is you. ”
The philosopher thinks that others don't care about you as much as you think, and that you want to go beyond this and not lose to that, but there is no need at all.
Feel that others are doing well, and you will have unpleasant thoughts because of this.
This kind of seeing the happiness of others as "my failure" is why it is not possible to give blessings.
Another factor that affects interpersonal relationships is the "power struggle".
Anger is just a tool to make others submit, and when provoked by the other party's words, it is necessary to see that the other party is provoking a "power struggle".
You want to prove your strength by winning.
Some children go astray, skip school, and self-harm not because of their parents' wrong parenting methods, but because of neglected children who do so in order to get revenge on their parents.
In fact, there is no need to rely on anger to prove that admitting a mistake does not mean failure.
If you think you're right, it doesn't matter what others say.
But many people will get caught up in this power struggle, trying to get the other side to admit that they are right.
Admitting mistakes and apologizing is not a "failure", and the pursuit of superiority is not achieved through competition with others.
04 Three major issues in life
Make friends, work and love.
The core of interpersonal relationships is self-reliance and harmony with society.
Adlerian psychology pursues the psychology of self-change.
About love: "When you can be unrestrained with this person", it is true love, without inferiority complex and showing off, it is equal and calm.
In a relationship, no matter what, once you have negative thoughts, you can find the other person's shortcomings no matter what.
Adler called this attempt to create excuses to avoid life's issues a "life lie."
It's not anyone who decides your lifestyle, it's just you.
Failure to do so is not a matter of morality and ability, but of courage.
Qing Yao concluded:
All human troubles come from interpersonal relationships, which actually means that we are troubled because we care too much about other people's opinions.
annoyed by fear;
annoyed by the relationship of interests;
Troubled by emotional gains and losses.
These troubles are fundamentally emotions that we create in order to fight against them.
If you're brave enough not to argue about what others think of you, you don't need anyone to prove me right.
Compare everything with yourself, keep surpassing, and keep moving forward, then you have the "courage" to choose the happy life you want.