It is advisable for you to live cheekily

Editor's note:

In life, it's often easy for us to care too much about what others say

Left and right, horizontal and vertical are not right.

Behind this, it actually stems from not respecting one's own feelings enough.

Learn to be cheeky, and you'll find that other people's evaluations don't matter as much as they think, and they don't hurt yourself as much as you think.

In counseling, I have met many clients who have a common problem

Caring too much about other people's evaluations.

They are always worried about what others think of them, and even have trouble fidgeting when interacting with others, and every word they say is guessing what others will say about them.

"Am I saying this to look too low? ”

Does he not like me? ”

Did he despise me with his eyes and movements just now? ”

Does he want our conversation to end soon? ”

Not only is it no pleasure for them, but it is a torture, like a barbed whip whipped at their anguish hearts.

One visitor told me:

When I walk down the street alone, I always feel anxious, worried that passers-by will judge me for being too ugly, looking too ugly, and walking in a weird way.

They'll feel like I shouldn't have this coat with these pants, I shouldn't have such a hairstyle. I'd love to hide myself. If I could hide myself, I would be much easier and happier. ”

Another visitor told me:

His procrastination is severe, and whether he is before, during, or after his actions, there are many critical voices in his heart

You can't do that.

You're going to fail.

What's the use of you doing this?

People will think you're stupid.

You're just wasting your time.

You good-for-nothing loser.

But they areCan't stopThose inner speculations, doubts, and evaluations (mostly negative).

They care too much about other people's opinions, get lost in the voices of these evaluations, and don't know how to place their every move, which leads to their inner pain and the chaos of real life.

In fact, many of us have this problem, but to different degrees.

Why do we have such psychological problems? Where did these doubts, negative judgments, and self-criticism come from in the first place?

These self-evaluations and self-criticisms often come from the internalization of the words of parents or other significant others in childhood.

If a child has been living with the negative evaluations of his parents since he was a child, especially the negative evaluations such as accusations and criticisms, he will feel that he is very bad, low self-esteem, and worthless in the eyes of his parents.

If a child's parents are very strict with him, very harsh, critical, and always dissatisfied with his behavior, they do not approve.

When he grows up, he tends to feel nervous and uneasy in interpersonal interactions, always worrying that he will not be able to satisfy others, and will not be able to gain the approval and liking of others.

The core beliefs within him are most likely to:I'm bad, I'm unloved, I'm not lovable.

They care very, very much about what other people think, and a lot of the time they make up what other people will say about them.

Because they pay too much attention to other people's evaluations and think too much about "shoulds" and "shouldn'ts", they ignore their inner feelings for a long time.

After a long time, they didn't even know what they really felt.

I am also unclear about my evaluation and views of people and things, as if I feel that what I do, how I think, and how I feel are wrong, and I want to find a so-called "right" standard.

To put it simply:I don't know who I am, and I need to be told who I am through other people's evaluations.

I met a client during a consultation and we talked about one of her colleagues asking her to help write a press release.

But she was very busy with work, but she was embarrassed to refuse, so she stayed in the unit and worked overtime to help this colleague write.

I was busy until eleven o'clock in the evening, and I didn't even eat dinner.

I asked her: How do you feel when you work overtime?

She asked me: What should I feel right?

I replied: Your feelings are your feelings, there is no right or wrong, but it is important.

Why are they so unsure about how they feel?

Sun Ruixue, a well-known Chinese early childhood educator, tells two short stories in the book "Love and Freedom".

Montessori once gave an example. A child plays with a toy train, and he doesn't let the train go on the tracks.

Trains are bound to run on tracks, that's the rule.

And when the child is using this train to play other games, the father will say, "Son, this is not right, this thing should go on the track of the train, it should be like this." ”

His children don't want to do thatBut the father thinks that it should be done, and he constantly interferes with the child.

It's strikingly similar to our dad in kindergarten.

Jiji's father loves his child very much, but his child is not in good shape. Sometimes his child would put a towel on the hanger and if he couldn't put it on, the child would just stand there and be able to carry the towel for half an hour.

Later, when my child went to their house, as soon as my child played with something, the child grabbed him and said, "No, you should play like this!" ”

My son put this thing down and picked it up again. As soon as he picked it up to play, he grabbed it again: "No! This thing should be played like this. ”

By four o'clock in the afternoon, I found that my son had been so depressed that he couldn't stand it anymore and cried because he had borrowed something.

They said that my child was fighting with Jiji for toys, and I said, "No." Jiji suppressed Xin Xin for too long, and every time he wanted to play in his own way, Jiji grabbed it and said, 'You should play like this'. ”

Jiji's approach was purely his father's approach.

She wrote:

The child should explore, work hard, succeed at his own point of development, carnate experiences and internalize concepts. The experience begins with the child's own exploration, through each small exploration of his own.

Early childhood is the period of sensory experience creation, the period of creating experience sensation, and the period of sensory knowledge sensitivity.

At this point, if it is derived from your own experience, it becomes a part of your life, and it is your own.

But what others teach you, that's what others teach, that's someone else's sensory experience, and sensory experience can't be replaced! Creativity can't be taught!

A person who can value his own feelings and not take other people's evaluations too seriously will be a person with his own life ideas.

What was the life of such a person like when he was young? How did he grow up?

It seems to me that he must not have been "educated" by his parents.

On the contrary, children whose parents do not interfere or control much can value their own feelings and believe in their own feelings, because their feelings are not destroyed by their parents.

I have a friend who lives a very free and comfortable life, which is the envy of our friends.

Because he never takes other people's evaluation of him seriously, because he has his own evaluation system inside, and it is very solid and stable.

I remember one time, at a gathering of friends, he said that he had recently learned the guitar and wanted to perform for everyone, and everyone said yes.

When performing, because he didn't study and practice for a long time, he felt a little intermittent at first.

At this time, a few friends coaxed and joked: "Oh, you can't do it, go back and practice again."

He was completely unmoved, he insisted on sitting there, holding his guitar, playing very devotedly, and the playing began to become fluid, and you could feel his concentration and intoxication.

As a result, everyone was touched by his sense of concentration, quieted down, listened to him play the whole song, and then applauded him.

Later, he said, "I know I'm not playing very well, but it's a wish of mine for everyone to perform and let everyone enjoy my playing."I'm performing for my dreams, for my own happiness, not for the approval of others

People who don't care about other people's evaluations and pay attention to their own feelings are often able to know what they want, be able to choose and bear what they want, and be able to focus on doing their own things.

Tell me about my own upbringing.

When I was in elementary school, I was fascinated by raising flowers for a while, so I built a small flower garden in front of my house.

As a newcomer to cycling, I would ride a bicycle for dozens of minutes to other villages in search of flower seedlings, and then walk around the village.

When I saw someone who had flowers and plants, I would go to someone to talk to, and then ask him to give me some flower seedlings to plant at home, and ask them for advice on how to water and fertilize.

Often after school, I was busy weeding, fertilizing, and loosening the soil in my flower bed.

More than 20 years ago, raising flowers was definitely a wonderful thing to do in our village. The farmers are busy planting the land and growing vegetables, who will be full to support the planting of flowers!

ButMy dad never interfered with meMy mother would only talk to me when I was busy planting flowers and delayed eating and helping her with housework.

I don't care what the adults and children in the village think of me. As a result, my small flower garden grew to be filled with more than a dozen different kinds of flowers and plants, and when the colorful flowers were in full bloom, they were very beautiful.

Many villagers who come to my house want to come and see the flowers and plants I raise.

Maybe it's because of my good academic performance when I was young, plus I was born in a vast rural area, so I had a lot of freedom of movementMy parents are also very respectful of their children and do not interfere with their children's independent behavior.

So I have developed a more independent and self-contained personality, I mostly do things according to my own preferences, pay great attention to my own feelings, and don't think much about other people's evaluations.

I also believe that doing what I love is not only happy, but also that I can definitely do it well, develop into a career, and support myself.

So, I work as a freelancer, writing, studying psychology, working as a counsellor and have a lot of fun, I'm very engaged, and I live my life very well on them (which is really thanks to my parents, who allowed me to live for myself).

I saw a funny cartoon before about a couple and a donkey.

At first, the wife rode the donkey, the husband led the donkey, and the passers-by pointed and pointed: What does it look like? This woman is so unreasonable that she actually lets a man lead a donkey.

When the wife heard this, she blushed and switched places with her husband.

Now the husband rode the donkey, the wife led the donkey, and after a few steps, passers-by began to point again: What does it look like? This man is too unreasonable, and he actually lets a woman lead a donkey, machismo.

Now the husband blushed, and they decided to ride the donkey together.

The two of them rode on donkeys, and they didn't walk a few steps, and the passers-by pointed even more: What does it look like? The two men riding this little donkey are clearly cruelty to animals.

The couple was completely overwhelmed at this timeIt's not okay, that's not right, simply, stopped riding, and the two walked together with the donkey.

But the result? The husband and wife were still pointed at by passers-by: these two people don't ride donkeys, it's really stupid!

You see:

If you live in the evaluation of others, you will live a very tired and miserable life;

If you expect everyone to be happy with you, that's unrealistic.

If you care a lot about what others think of you and live within the evaluation system of others, it is best to look back on your own growth process, which will help you better understand who you are now.

If you care so much about other people's comments that you can't do what you love. You can try some "fact-test" attempts:

Go to a store you know well to buy something, choose some items, check out, pretend to find out that you don't have any money, and see what happens?

On a crowded street, sing your favorite song on the side of the road and see what happens?

Although we sometimes have to listen to what others say about ourselves, we can't care too much, your own feelings are the most important.

Everyone lives in their own feelings, and your life is your feelings.

If youBad feelings about yourselfNo matter how good the evaluation is given by others, it doesn't mean much to you.

If youFeel good about yourselfNo matter what others say about you, you will feel a lot of happiness in your life.

So, respect your own feelings, follow your feelings, and live your life!