Author |and little fear.
Edit |Jars.
Editor-in-charge |Chen Shen Shen is in the common cognition, when people are cared for, they will feel warmth and support. And have you ever experienced such a situation:After being cared for by others, my heart is even more uncomfortable. During the consultation, the client Xiao M said that he was afraid of being "cared for" by his mother
How much does your husband earn now? How is it so little?Every time Xiao M listened to it, she was very irritable, but when she asked her mother not to say it, her mother was very sad, feeling that she was obviously kind, but she was disgusted by her daughter. "I also know that she is for my good, but why is it so stressful to listen to it? "Little M is very depressed. In reality, a situation similar to Xiao M often happens - after a person is "cared for", he feels pressured. We call this type of phenomenon the following:Pressure-based care. The normal concern is to send carbon in the snow, and it is to make matters worse. When people are under pressure and care without knowing it, they are easy to fall into a similar predicament as Xiao M:On the one hand, the pressure multiplies,On the other hand, I feel that there is something wrong with me. Today, we're going to take stock of 4 common types of pressure-based care and talk about how to deal with it.Why did you gain so much weight, you have to **!
When are you going to have a baby? Gotta be early
What if the income is not enough and you can't afford to raise children in the future?
4 common types of stress-based care1. Keep throwing out questions, but don't provide support. The common sentence pattern is "You." For example: "What if you haven't bought a house yet?" "What should you do if you and your partner always quarrel?" "What should you do if your emotions are always out of control?" On the surface, I am "concerned" about your situation, but when I think about it, I think about itEverything that is said is constantly throwing questions and does not give you any substantial support. Too many questions will only make people scramble. Among them, there is nothing more likely to crush people than to be mixed inHypothetical questions that haven't happened yet. Like Xiao M's mother said: "What if you don't have money to raise children in the future?" Or, "What if your company lays off employees?" "What if your partner changes his mind in the future?" This kind of problem is even more unsolvable, and it can drain one's energy on worrying about the future and not being able to do anything about it. makes people choke enough just to think about the problem. 2. Excessive nagging and repetitionCaring for others is sometimes inevitable and repeated several times, but once it is excessive, it can be counterproductive. Xiao M's mother is in **, and she always reminds her daughter repeatedly: You are too fat, you have to **. Although Xiao M already has plans to exercise, her mother still repeatedly "kindly reminds", she will feel irritable, and she doesn't even have the heart to do sports. In parent-child relationships, a similar phenomenon is common: the more kind parents are to remind their children to do things (such as homework), the more children will resist, and they will often forget and procrastinate. At this point, the person who cares will wonder: Why am I impatient and can't listen to me, even though I have good intentions? Because, excessive nagging will invisibly convey 2 messages to the other party:"I don't believe that you can do it smoothly, so I remind you repeatedly"; "I dislike you who are not good now, so I urge you to change."Under the distrust and dislike, people will become more and more resistant to doing things - for example, as soon as Xiao M is ready to exercise, he will arouse the pain of being nagged and cared for by his mother, so he will unconsciously procrastinate and resist exercise. In this way, if she is not active, her mother will be even more nagging, forming a vicious circle. 3. (Almost) all accusationsSome words appear to be "caring", but in reality they are violently judgmental about your life. The usual sentence pattern is, "You didn't do well here, you did wrong there." For example, "I said a long time ago that you were wrong when you chose this job" "Why are you so discerning and talking to this kind of person?" "You're too impatient, and you're prone to trouble. "When you express your dissatisfaction, they say, "I care about you with good intentions." But these kinds of words don't help much, and they are more about constantly emphasizing the other party's faults. The person being cared for does not feel enlightened, but rather feels a strong frustration and becomes powerless, which is not conducive to reversing the situation. 4. (Almost) all instructionsSome people will point fingers at your life in the name of caring, and the common sentence pattern is: "You should." You want. You can't. No. Usually we care about others and give some corresponding advice, which is normal. But if the words are all suggestions, and the tone of the speech is like an order, then you need to be vigilant - "You shouldn't buy a house here", "You shouldn't wear clothes of this color", "You have to say more good things to make the leader happy, so that the work can go smoothly", "Don't mess around with this matter, you have to do what I say" Many of these instructions are "out of bounds" and have interfered with your daily habits and even life choices. The caregiver will find ways to get you to do everything they say. If you don't listen, they will get angry or upset and feel that you have failed the good intentions. Such "concern" is essentially denying the initiative of the other party in everything. Instead of feeling supported, people who are cared for will fall into deep self-doubt. 
Behind the pressure of care,It is the weakness of the caregiver himselfOn the surface, some people always use pressure to care, seemingly because they don't know the right way to care. But in fact, the deeper reason lies inThe state of the caregiver itself is weak. This has a ripple effect, mainly in two ways:1.Projecting a sense of weakness and creating anxietyWhen a person is weak and unaware of it, then when he looks at others, he will also feel that the other person is weak. A female friend of mine once traveled to Inner Mongolia alone, and met two aunts on the way, and we shared with each other the fun places we had visited. After seeing my aunt share the ** who went to Qinghai before, my friend was very excited, and I immediately prepared to embark on a new journey. At this time, Aunt A was very worried: "You little girl, how dangerous it is, pull a few more people!" The friend said it was fine, but the aunt still couldn't let go: "What if I get lost?" Can you find a hotel? What to do if you are deceived by a black-hearted tour guide. She threw out a bunch of questions and even wanted to go along. On the contrary, Aunt B was very calm on the side: "You don't have to worry about it, since she can come to Inner Mongolia alone, of course she is very independent, no problem!" "Aunt A is worried because she is not good at traveling independently. When her weakness is projected onto the little girl, she thinks that the other party will have the same troubles as herself. It's like a joke says: Wearing autumn pants is not necessarily because you feel cold, but because your mother thinks you are cold. Weak people lack strength, and many small everyday situations are huge problems for them. As a result, they can't help but "care" about others, throw out a lot of questions, and feel that the other party is in a series of crises, which in turn causes great anxiety. 
2.The more anxious the caregiver is, the more they want to be in controlThe more anxious people are, the more they want to grasp things. At this time, it will manifest as: nagging, accusing, and giving instructions. For example, under normal circumstances, things that only need to be reminded a few times, the concerned person will be anxious, and can't help but nag over and over again. Even if the other party does not do a good job, it is enough to analyze the reasons clearly, and the anxious person will grasp the other party's mistakes and keep blaming. In general concern, people will give a little advice. But when the person concerned is too anxious, he instinctively wants to control more, and then demands that the other person must do it all. These behaviors all have one thing in common:ControlγIt didDisguise weaknesscan pretend to be an all-powerful image who can control the situation, thus relieving a little anxiety. However, none of these methods can only play a role in scratching the boot for anxiety. Only when you nag, blame, and give instructions will you feel better, and once you stop, anxiety will return. So you have to keep doing these things and do it harder. Seeing this, you may have questions: normal care sometimes does these actions, so how can you more accurately distinguish them? There is a key indicator for this:Pressure-based care caused by weakness is often unacceptable to be interrupted. If the other person cares about you normally, then you ask them to stop caring, and the other person is usually willing to stop, after all, the purpose of this interaction is to make you comfortable. On the contrary, when the act of concern is made out of inner weakness, at this timeThe purpose of caring is not for you, but for you to feel better. Therefore, when you try to interrupt, the other person will act sad or angry, and in turn will blame you for "not appreciating". However, most of the pressure-based caregivers are not intentional, they just don't realize their own state. So on the conscious level, they do think that they are thinking about each other. So, how can this be changed? We discuss it in two cases:1.You are the one who cares2.You are the one who is cared for
When you are a carer:Your state is more important than what you sayWhat is Quality Care? In fact, more important than what you say when you care is the state of the person who cares. There is a wonderful phenomenon in interpersonal relationships:Worry is a curse, and believing is a blessing. When a person is weak inside, this weakness will be projected onto the person being cared for, forming a negative suggestion. This will lead to:The more you care, the weaker the other person becomes. Just like the more Xiao M's mother cares about her daughter's sports**, the more powerless and repulsive her daughter becomes. This clearly defeats the original purpose of the concern. On the contrary, when a person is strong enough within him, then even a simple gesture of concern can give a person great support. When I first started working, I had a very impressive experience. At that time, I was very immature, but my boss would often throw some challenging work directly at me. If I were someone else, I might be worried about whether this young man would be able to do it, and with a thousand instructions to "care", I was reminded to do a good job. However, the boss's heart is very stable, he believes that I can complete this, and I will not say too much every time. "Believe" here does not mean believing that I can achieve it as soon as I do it, but believing that even if I bump at first, I will eventually be able to grow myself and do things well. Usually he cares about me by asking about the recent situation occasionally. When I talk about things going wrong at work, instead of being anxious or blaming, he laughs like a story, adding, "It's okay, I was like that when I was younger." βIt's just such a simple "care", and it actually makes me feel supported. Careful analysis, behind this kind of casual conversation, it shows that his heart is stable and powerful. So, he would project a sense of power onto me β thinking that I could also develop the power to solve the problem. So, even a simple conversation plays a good role of "caring". Therefore, when you find that you are too weak in your heart, you always send out pressure-type concernYou might as well stop and adjust yourself first, instead of rushing to care about others. 
When you are the one who is cared for:Don't suppress your discomfortIn reality, when being pressured to care, many people will think:Since the other party is kind, endure it and it will pass, and there is no need to care. If it's happening in a less important relationship, it's fine. But if the other person is an important family member, cold treatment can cause damage to the relationship. Share a piece of my own experience. My dad used to be a pressure-based person, and whenever I talked to him about some recent developments at work, he would always throw up a bunch of worrying questions. This made me unconsciously start to report good news and not bad news, as well as reduce contact with my family. This seems to avoid contradictions, but it leads to two negative aspects:On the one hand, when there is less contact, my dad's anxiety does not decrease but increases. Then in the next communication, it was obvious that he was emotional, and the conversation between them became estranged and gunpowdery. On the other hand, I became distant. If I stay away from inappropriate care as soon as I encounter it, it will make me sensitive and suspicious, and it is easy to miss the kindness of the outside world. Long-term pressure-based care not only hurts relationships, but also makes people closed. If you're in the middle of it, here are 3 ways to try: Letting the other person know the impact of stressful care requires telling the other person how you really feel, why it's happening, and how it affects the relationship. I later had a good talk with my dad and told him:
His way of caring can stress me out(Feelings).Essentially, he projects anxiety onto me that makes me more anxious(Reason).After listening to it, although he was somewhat disappointed, he could at least understand what I was really thinking. He said: "After all, this is a habit for many years, and there is no guarantee that it will be changed for a while, but I will pay more attention in the future." "Actually, that's great, and since then, we've been able to communicate more relaxed. Tell the other person how you want to care There is no absolute right way to care, but it needs to be explored in the interaction. Once a friend of mine, every time he saw me unhappy, he liked to say a lot of words of encouragement. But for me, I prefer to be quiet when I'm in a bad mood. My friend was very warm-hearted, and he said, "But seeing you like this, I want to help." I thought about it for a moment and told him that he just had to pat me on the shoulder and that he didn't have to say anything. Since then, he's changed his way of caring and we've gotten along more naturally. Therefore, in addition to understanding which ways of caring can cause discomfort, it is also necessary to thinkWhat kind of care is what I need. If the other party can't change it, interrupt the topic in time like Xiao M's mother's personality has been ingrained, and after many times of communication, she still doesn't think that her way of caring will cause pressure on her daughter. At this point, you can chooseGive up changing the other person and keep an appropriate distance from them. When Xiao M hears his mother's pressure-based concern later, he will change the topic in time and try to avoid talking about his life with his mother, but talk about something else. When the interaction between the two only adds to the stress, this is a last resort.It will also make me have to report good news and not bad news, and alienate them(Impact).
Write at the endIn closing, I would like to say that while stressful care can be inconvenient in life, it is not necessarily immutable. It's normal for a relationship to stumble before communicating sincerely. Most of the heart-to-heart interactions between people are slowly formed in continuous running-in. When you encounter an inappropriate way of care, you don't have to face the enemy. It's about learning to communicate, to adjust, to grow. We need to find good relationships, but we also have to learn to create good relationships. May you stretch, express, and heal in your relationships.