The love that a person receives depends on our ability to feel it.
Only if we can love ourselves unconditionally, can others give unconditional love.
The partner you chooseReflect your heart.
When Zilin's boyfriend Wei Song first chased her, he was really very good to her, all kinds of intimate and warm gestures, big and small. It takes three or four hours to come home every day to pick her up and go to work. Even Zilin said that there was no need to do this, but the other party still insisted. After a few months like this, she was touched, and then they were together. However, when they were together, the man was not the same as before. Zilin found that he had a very strong desire to control and was very fond of turning over old accounts. Wei Song always asked Zilin:
"Are you really out of touch with your ex-boyfriend? You really don't miss him at all? Why are you always working overtime? Are you annoyed with me?Because of this reason, they quarreled every now and then, and they were separated and entangled for several years, and the people next to them were tired of seeing them fall in love. In fact, it is not only women who can "do", but also men. "Zuo" is the preserve of people who are insecure and have a low sense of self-worth. When Zilin was complaining to me about her boyfriend's various "actions", I asked her:
In the beginning, you were with him because you were the only one in his world, and you were the most important, even more important than himself.Zilin replied honestlyHe gives you enough sense of importance and security, isn't that exactly what you need?
If you do meet someone who is independent and rich, you are fine and it doesn't matter if you are not there.
Such a person will certainly not control you and will not make you feel stressed. Would you like to be with someone like that?
Or will you feel at ease with him? Will you have faith?
No. I'll worry that the other person doesn't need me.Although Zilin looks beautiful and capable, she actually doesn't have a high sense of self-worth. The extent to which a person loves himself and what he has(appearance, occupation, income and education, etc.).It doesn't really matter. Emotionally, they especially need someone who loves themselves so hard to fill this lack of self-love. So, they need to be moved. In order to get a sense of confidence, they will need lots and lots of evidence. Therefore, it will also be easy to attract someone who is overworking in a relationship. In the early days of the relationship, they show that everything revolves around you; Even at the cost of leaving your life behind, you are the whole of your life. This kind of cost-free payment is often not that they are strong enough to really care at all; It's about using this kind of giving, grabbing love and security. Therefore, as long as Zilin's inner state has not changed, as long as she still has a sense of low value, she will inevitably attract people with the same energy frequency as her. It's just that the specific behaviors that are manifested are different.In such a relationship, I feel uneasy and feel uneasy.
Wei Song attracted Zilin before because of his dedication regardless of the cost. Wei Song's sense of low worth made him humble in the relationship, so he kept compressing himself and couldn't stop giving excessively. Only then will he feel useful, valuable, and needed. Such people naturally do not express their true needs and feelings, because they do not have the strength to communicate with the other person and clarify their own boundaries. So he paid, sacrificed, endured, and suppressed ......When they came to a tipping point, they finally had enough. In some dramatic way, without warning, all love is taken back; Express your anger and determination in a very decisive way. Then, the roles in the relationship are reversed, the oppressor becomes the coerced, and the slave becomes the slave owner. Or like Wei Song - he began to become sensitive, panicked, constantly controlling and probing, trying to regain more control. The other party suddenly withdrew all his love, which was a big shock to the person around him who was used to "being given". But there is also a lurking impact in this impactNew possibilities, that is-It allows us to truly face ourselves and discover our ability to love. 
The feeling of being loved,It's self-givingMany years ago, I read a semi-autobiography written by a French tutor. One of the stories about her own personal experience that left a deep impression on me until now: this is a very talented woman, one year she met an equally talented man, and later they fell in love. She had never experienced such a strong love, she loved that man with all her heart, and at the same time felt that man's unreserved love for her. In the three years they were in love, her whole world took on an extraordinary meaning. She felt that her life really began after meeting this man, and she was the luckiest woman in the world. Suddenly, one day, it all came to an abrupt end. It was a very normal day, she was cleaning at home, and this time she wanted to be more thorough than usual. She cleared a lot of corners that she usually overlooked, and then she found a box that she had never noticed before, and a small combination lock. She tried a few times, and actually opened the box. She found a lot of letters about the relationship between the man she was in love with and another woman. She was extremely surprised to find:The man was in a relationship with another woman at the same time in his relationship with her; And his confessions and praises to the other party, the words and phrases he used, were all used to say to her.
As you can imagine, at that moment, her world collapsed! She felt that her happy life in the past few years was like a joke, and this man had never really loved her with all his heart. All of her past life was in a lie. She was in extreme pain, she left that home, not knowing where to go. After wandering outside for a few days, she finally decided to commit suicide. 
She came to the sea and slowly walked to the depths of the sea. When the sea water submerged her legs, maybe it was the stimulation of the cold water, maybe it was the awakening of some divine power within her. A question suddenly flashed from a voice in her heart:
If this man has never loved you in these three years, is the love you feel real?It's a very, very intelligent question. She heard the voice and stopped. Then the answer came to her, and she could only answer honestly: that feeling of happiness and being loved was real and could not be denied. It is precisely because that feeling is so good that it is unacceptable when it is lost. Then the voice asked the question of ultimate wisdom:
If that man has never really loved you, So where does the love you feel come from?She stood alone in the middle of the water, thinking about the question, looking for an answer. In the end, she didn't have any other answer, the only answer was-This feeling of love is given by oneself. It was at the moment that the answer appeared that she realized that all the feelings were created by herself. Whether it's the feeling of being "loved" before, or the feeling of being "hurt" afterOr is it the feeling of "transcending being loved and being hurt" now. - All of them are self-created. So this woman awakened at this moment! She later became a very well-known mentor and writer, helping many men and women who were suffering in relationships.
In the story, all the pain or hurt feelings, it can't all be given to you by someone else. That's why different people in the same event will tell you different, their own version of the story. A story is like a space with an infinite number of locations. The location you choose determines what you see and feel. And what you see and feel will eventually become your own truth, because observation is part of creation. In the same way, don't think that the feelings of being loved, powerful, and trusted are all given to you by others, and that you need to rely on a particular person or thing. That event or person is nothing more than a medium. The whole process is just a game in which the power and love that originally belonged to you are projected onto the other party, and then the game is repackaged and then brought back after secondary processing. Learn to take back the expectations and attention you put on others and put them on yourself. This is the first step in taking responsibility for one's own life and feelings, and the most important step in taking back one's strength. 
I want to have my ideal partnerBe your perfect lover firstMany people complain about those around them:
"Why do I love him so much and he loves me so little? ”In fact, it has nothing to do with the other party. Everyone is free and empowered. You can choose to do what you want; You can also refuse what you don't want to do. The reason why they are so miserable is because what they do is not joyful, enjoyable, pure. They have a lot of exhaustion and grievances in the process of doing it, because they are afraid and feel that "if I don't do that, he will not like me and will leave me". So, in this belief, I constantly suppress and ignore these feelings of myself, and I can't stop or reject them. Because they care more about their image in the eyes of others than they care about themselves, and they care more about what others think of them than they care about others. They do "so much" never really for each otherIt's for the sake of your own image in the eyes of the other person. They want to get love from others by pleasing them and pleasing them. However, in order to get the liking of others, we keep pretending to shape ourselves into a beautiful image of being polite, helpful, decent, empathetic, excellent, generous, etc.; Even if someone really says they love you, you can't believe it at all. Because you know what they love is justYour mask。All they love is the person you pretend to be, and that person doesn't exist at all. So, even if you try to "perform" and get a lot of "likes", you can't enjoy it at all. Even if you get some, you're going to lose it quickly. And in the process of seeking the love of others, you lose your true self. When a person has no love and no trust in himself, he naturally wants to get it from others. But the paradox is:A person who can't even love himself can't give love to others. What you give may be flattery, sacrifice, compromise, disguise... The only thing that is given is not love. What you give away is not love, and you can't get real love. When we struggle to get the love we already have, we create a cage for ourselves. Because in the end, the love that can be given comes from ourselves.Why did I do so much for him and he didn't treat me badly at all? ”
Then some people will ask, if this is the case we still need love, relationship, partner, what's the use? Although love is not a necessity of life, growth is. So, when we experience disappointment or hurt in a relationship, we should never go into a state of denial of love, denial of marriage, denial of intimacy. Because in essence, it's not love, marriage cigarettes, or another person that brings you this feeling, but you bring this feeling to yourself. When we enter a relationship, the other person becomes a mirror, a good reflection of the parts that we ourselves are not willing to face or are aware of. When we experience the feeling of heartache, disappointmentAll we have to do is to bandage our wounds and start to really reflect and think; And grow from this so-called "wounded relationship". In this way, you can be reborn in every story, every experience in your life, and each stage of your life will be different from the last. And if you just attribute the problems to: If I don't have love, I can solve these problems. If you face the problem by escaping - you will still get hurt all the time, but you will just change to a different situation and object, and it will not improve in essence. So, thank you to our sparring partners. If they're leaving, thank them for making us stronger, more loving, and more complete through this experience. Only by learning to love ourselves and fill the black hole within, when our hearts are full and completeWhether you have a partner or not, you can be your most loving, mature and wise lover. Finally, may we all be in our own worldThe protagonist of love, love yourself firmly and freely. 