"Relationships are like glass. Sometimes, instead of trying to put them back together, it's better to keep them broken. ”
At one time, I had a very extreme attitude towards relationships. I either trust you with all my heart and think that you would never intentionally hurt me, or I think you want to hurt me and question everything you do.
Once you put yourself in the latter category, there's no turning back.
Eventually, I realized that I was limiting my relationship by not acknowledging the gray ground that people are human beings who make mistakes and need forgiveness and understanding.
Since then, I've refused to consider that someone's behavior might reflect that they don't really care. I wander through many unhealthy relationships, making excuses for people.
Sometimes, someone is intentional to hurt or neglect. We need to be able to recognize this, otherwise we end up feeling powerless, disrespected, and stuck in a difficult situation.
So, how do you know when to stay and when to leave? How do you know that you are not over-interpreting things, or overly suspicious, or making a fuss, but simply seeing things as they are?
After being in this situation myself many times, I developed a simple three-question guide that helped me realize that enough is enough.
1. Do their actions often contradict their words?
Anyone can contradict each other once or twice. We're just human beings and sometimes we make mistakes. And consistent behavior can truly convey a person's true feelings.
I used to date someone who often didn't make an effort. But I want to believe that he is a good man who is going through difficult times and that if I am there for him, we will both be happy.
When he opened the door to greet me at 7pm on Valentine's Day in his pajamas and threw my cards and chocolate roses into the bedroom, it was clear that I was making a fool of myself.
It's a somewhat extreme example, but in the months before that, there were small signs – unanswered **, canceled appointments, many conversations he didn't really listen to.
His behavior has been emphasizing that he is not willing to accept the kind of relationship I want, at least not with me. It doesn't mean that he intended to hurt me, or that he is a bad person. It just means that he is not available, or is not interested in the needs I have raised.
In other words, for whatever reason, he doesn't care.
Words can be deceptive, because sometimes when we deceive others, it is also because we are deceiving ourselves. Believe in action. That's the truth.
2. Do you often defend them, both to yourself and to others?
If you often find yourself in a position where you need to defend the other person, it is likely that you are trying to justify the behavior that the other person is not accepting.
An old friend of mine used to date a guy who became malicious and mean, mostly towards her, but also towards her friends. She explained that he had a difficult childhood and that she would not leave him like everyone else.
While this may sound admirable, her behavior suggests that she thinks it's acceptable for him to act badly with her because he's been through so much.
You may convince yourself that the person is simply misunderstood, and no one is willing to give them the sympathy and support that you are willing to provide.
It's good to be compassionate, but we first need to be empathetic to ourselves – which means acknowledging what is not acceptable.
3. Does this person always shift the blame to you as if it were your fault?
If you convince yourself that you are somehow responsible for their actions, it becomes difficult to identify those behaviors that are consistently unacceptable.
You may tell yourself that they often ignore your needs because you need care too much. Or they belittle you because you've made mistakes in the past.
In other words, you may excuse their abuse because they are trying to make you feel like you are "wrong" or "crazy."
When someone genuinely cares about you, they won't use your mistakes or shortcomings to justify neglect or emotional blackmail.
I've found myself in many of these relationships before, probably because I'm re-establishing the dynamics of my childhood core relationships.
For a moment, I realized that people who truly respected me encouraged me to grow, but they didn't let my weaknesses be an excuse to intimidate or belittle me.
No matter what you've done or how difficult it may be for you at times, you deserve a healthy relationship with someone you get along well with.