February** Dynamic Incentive Program
When I think of my daughter, who was an excellent student in the past, and developed to the point of repeatedly suspending school, I regretted it until my intestines were blue.
To be honest, my daughter has rarely worried me since I was a child.
Since elementary school, she has completed her homework first and then played after school every day, and her academic performance is also very stable, and she is the representative of the Chinese class in the class.
During the winter and summer vacations, I always consciously completed my homework according to the plan, and I was very grateful.
Relatives and friends say that it is rare to see such a self-conscious child, and they always ask her to share learning methods.
I have heard a lot of these words, and I am also very happy, I think my daughter has a long face, and I often praise her.
Others complain that their children's study habits are not good, I subconsciously said"My daughter never let me worry, and she arranged her own studies."
After graduating from elementary school, my daughter successfully entered junior high school.
The first year of junior high school was fine, but in the second year of junior high school, her academic performance began to decline, and her state became worse and worse.
When I asked her what was going on, she kept her mouth shut, shook the door and left.
In addition, we quarreled more and more, and she thought I was in charge too much, and she lost her temper at the slightest disappointment.
In a midterm exam, she scored the last in math.
I was furious :
How did you do it, don't you know that the second year of junior high school is a watershed? Can you still be admitted to a key high school in this way? What other people should think of you! ”
When my daughter heard my words, she instantly exploded:
"Can you leave it alone? What does my grades have to do with others? ”Seeing my daughter's hysterical appearance, I petrified on the spot.You just love me with high scores, and now my grades have dropped, and I'm a loser in your eyes! ”
I just don't want to learn, so I can do whatever I like. ”
Her academic performance is not good, and she is still reasonable?
Instead of reflecting, I grabbed her learning, didn't allow her to play with her mobile phone, reduced the time to go out to play, and didn't allow her to touch what she liked!
A series of high-pressure policies did not allow her to improve her grades, but intensified her resistance.
She started asking me to ask her for leave every now and then, and after a long vacation, she didn't go to school.
After taking a three-month hiatus, I sent her back to school, and less than a month later, she didn't go again.
In desperation, I began to seek professional help.
During that difficult time, I repeatedly wondered if it was ** that went wrong and that she would change so much.
Until the teacher told me:
If a child has a little achievement and small progress, her parents will praise her excessively and wear a high hat unrealistically, which will make her feel that this is "more worthy of love" and is the perfect child.
Her parents were like a glow with her, and they became very happy and happy. Coupled with frequent praise from the outside world, they are often used to belittle other people's children.
Over time, the child will also be deceived by illusions and enter into a kind of "".Almighty narcissism
When children are raised to such a height, they will subconsciously have idol baggage, and they will not tolerate mistakes, mistakes, and failures, otherwise they will strongly attack themselves and even be willing to fall.
They have to become a "benchmark" for others, a "mom" who satisfies the narcissistic needs of their parents.
Parents are actually trying to turn their children into "little adults", and they are telling their children: "Come and satisfy me and feed me".
When the child slowly cares more about his performance than he has to do, he is easily afraid and can't let go.
Over time, no amount of enthusiasm and motivation will be consumed.
After studying, I reflected that I have it tooVanity plays the hawk
For example, when I praise my daughter to outsiders, the subtext is: Look, my daughter is so good, I know how good I can teach as a mother.
My daughter has become a "label" to prove me.
Even in order to protect my face, I didn't allow her to regress and get tired of studying, but unexpectedly it hurt her deeply and ruined her inside.
In the best-selling book "Silent Confession", the monologue of honor student Lydia speaks the hearts of countless children:
"The more your parents pay attention to you, the higher their expectations will be for you, and their concern will keep falling on you like snow and eventually crushing you. ”
Secondly,"Good grades = good children = good future", this set of values is deeply rooted in my heart.
My child's father and I both belong to the "test generation", born in the county, entered the first-tier cities through the examination, and after years of struggle, we have taken root in the city, have a car, a house, and a decent job.
I firmly believe in the saying "reading changes destiny", because our personal experience proves that this path can be followed, so we attach great importance to our children's studies.
At the same time, we were also very uneasy, and I felt that everything we had was obtained by hard work.
If the child does not work hard, it is likely that the class will slip in the future.
So even though we have no worries about food and clothing now, we are still anxious in our hearts.
Psychologist Wu Zhihong once saidA child, who has been pushed by the voice of the outside world since childhood, cannot be authentic, so they can only give up themselves in despair.
Because every child's whole life is to get rid of the expectations of his parents and become himself.
If parents can't see their children's hearts, and children can't break free from their parents' control, they can only use self-abandonment to destroy their parents' "children".
So what can be done to restore the child's motivation to learn and return to school successfully?
1. Affirm the process of children's efforts and teach children to learn to face setbacks
The result of what a child does is far less important than the process by which she completes it.
In getting along with children, there are no major events, in fact, they are all trivial things such as eating, drinking, lazing, and sleeping.
But behind every little thing is a big thing, which determines the whole development direction of the child.
Start with the details, see the child, see the thing itself, know where to guide the child, and take a magnifying glass to see the child's advantages.
When your child is withdrawn from school, encourage her constantly, understand her withdrawal, and give her some time to buffer.
Before, I would definitely not have been able to accept the fact that she was out of school, I didn't dare to review and criticize myself, and I always looked for answers from my children.
In fact, the real change in children began when parents began to admit that I was wrong.
2. Teach children to vent and collect their emotions
In the face of children who are out of school, the most important thing our parents should educate their children at this time is to let them vent all their bad emotions and collect all their good emotions.
I would ask my child to write down the bad mood on a piece of paper and then throw the paper with the bad mood in the trash.
At the same time, prepare a notepad for your child, and when he feels happy, you can draw a big, bright hook in the notepad.
I told my daughter that even the smallest hint of happiness can be ticked on a notepad.
After drawing many hooks, I told the children who are entangled in sadness every day that there are actually many happy things in life, just like Haruki Murakami said:
When you treat the seemingly boring little things in life with an interesting attitude, you will reap a small but certain happiness, so that you feel that life is very beautiful. ”
In this way, the child will develop a "happy inertia" and will not be soaked in bad emotions all day long.
3. Parents can be lazy and learn to let go
Teacher Mo Wei proposed in the book "Redefining Parents":
A healthy parent-child relationship is a changing relationship, a process of transition from a special relationship to an ordinary relationship, and as the child grows, the concentration of the relationship between parents and children becomes less and less. ”
In order to prove his worth, he had too high expectations for his child and kept an eye on her studies every day.
When the child reaches puberty, he begins to transition to **, physically close to an adult, develops intellectually rapidly, and psychologically desires independence.
At this time, I want to change from the previous "care manager" to "guardian", silently caring and paying attention, and helping children in time when they need support; When you don't need to, stay aside and follow behind.
I began to pay more attention to my work and life, listening to my mother's psychology courses in my spare time, and arranging short vacations for myself, leaving my children behind for my father, and going on a trip.
The world always requires mothers to be strong, strong, and strong, but happy mothers are the most precious to their children.
When I was in a good mood, my tone towards my children became different.
I could clearly feel that she was talking more, gushing to me about something she saw, someone, and what she thought.
One day at dinner, my daughter suddenly said:
"I thought about it, I wanted to go to school, but I didn't want to board. ”
Her father and I hurriedly agreed, our hearts surging with excitement and sorrow.
This year, I experienced the most difficult and dark moment in my life, and I also had a reborn change, and I really saw what I had and really saw my daughter.
In the past, I expected too much and was very controlling;
Now, my task is to plant a good seed in the child's heart, to awaken the strength contained in her body, to accept it, to help ......