The way of growing up that is discouraged and poured cold water is most suitable for the physique of Chinese babies.
So for many people, the shadow of childhood is exchanged for half a life of dampness.
Today, let's talk about this topic.
Chinese and even East Asian culture are very interesting, full of twists and contradictions.
We are accustomed to saying "happy every day" and "happy forever", but in our bones we feel that "ease is sin, happiness is evil".
This year's Shanghai Halloween red out of the circle of Na Ying's imitator "This Ying", told about his "discouraged" growth experience.
Even if you eat an apple, you have to hide under the covers and eat it.
At school, I was bullied by my teachers and ridiculed by my classmates.
was pua by his parents, such a big person, and his salary was obediently handed over every month.
Her story has made many netizens empathize:
When I got the third place in the exam, my parents would say, it's only the third place, what are you happy about";
I shared food with my parents, and they said, "Eating meat is amazing, we can't even eat meat";
Don't buy them anything, they talk about other people's children in a weird way. Buy them something, they say you're wasteful, and they'll scold you for being bloody."
The prohibition of pleasure and enjoyment seems to be the background color of our culture.
Just today, there is another hot question on Zhihu: Why is my mother always depressed and easily robbed the whole family of happiness?
One netizen said that remembering that family trip was supposed to be a time of relaxation and joy.
But the mother, like a judge, is looking for flaws everywhere.
She was picky about the hotel beds, chattered about the crowds at the attractions, and even the extra dollar I paid became an intolerable waste in her eyes.
This behavior, unconsciously, deprives the whole family of happiness.
On our way home, silence took over the air, as if all the words had lost their power in the shadow of the mother.
"At that moment, I realized that this was not just a personal problem for her, but a belief deeply rooted in her heart that made her convinced that self-sacrifice was a virtue and that happiness should not be allowed. ”
Happiness is going to be poured cold water, happiness is going to be deprived, and it is the learned helplessness of many of us. And mothers in East Asian cultures are often the deprivers of happiness.
In a house full of echoes of the past, the mother always wraps herself in a sadness that is almost invisible.
Even the laughter in the house seemed to cast a heavy shadow on her heart.
Mother's smile, like a ** forgotten by time, is always lifeless. And the happiness of her family, it seems, also needs to be balanced by an indescribable guilt in her opinion.
In the corners that can be seen everywhere, there is a family, harmonious on the outside, but indescribable pain flows inside.
The mother of this family is an absolutely "sensible" woman, and her life is like a mime, with action in place and emotional absence.
This contradiction originates from a seemingly simple but extremely complex word - love.
Love, in her upbringing, was a luxury word. She never learned how to take because her parents never gave alms.
Love, for her, is a business, and enjoyment must come at the cost of self-suffering, so as not to make her feel the spread of sin.
Her kindness and help to others always have to find flaws, and cover up the heart that longs for care with responsibility and obligation.
She doesn't understand,True love is unconditional, the freedom to care about external judgment.
Nitpicking during a trip, the extra dollar at the dinner table, isn't really the problem.
The problem is,The impregnable wall in her heart was built with years of rejection and self-sacrifice.
In her heart, enjoyment and happiness are always associated with sin. She can't see her own worth, and she can't experience the joy of life, because everything has to be paid.
When I was a child, I often asked myself in the dead of night, where is my mother's happiness hidden?
Was it on a lonely afternoon, locked in the cupboard of the old house as the twilight was gone, and no one ever turned it over again?
She comes from a traditional family, a family where happiness is seen as unprofessional.
There, my mother learned to endure, to sacrifice, and to see happiness as a luxury—someone else's, never hers.
I remember that whenever she tried to enjoy life, it always had to be accompanied by self-blame and pain, as if only then could she find a balance in her heart.
Such a mother's life is full of doubts about self-worth and sensitivity to the needs of others.
The atmosphere in our home is always unconsciously enveloped by her emotions.
Her happiness seems to have become a scarce resource, only briefly appearing when she thinks we are doing the "right", and this "right" standard is often full of sacrifice and repression.
In her eyes, we may never be perfect.
Every family gathering, every little celebration, always loses its original color in her sigh.
Those moments that could have been happy will always come to naught in the little flaws she has identified.
So, growing up, we learned to see happiness the way she did—a luxury, even a burden.
Today, my mother is still the one who is never happy. But I'm beginning to understand that it wasn't exactly her choice.
Her melancholy, her dissatisfaction, and even her fear of pleasure all have deep-rooted cultural and educational backgrounds.
I began to try to understand her, to decipher the happiness that seemed to have been taken away from us in those years.
I knew that if I couldn't break the vicious cycle that had been passed down from generation to generation, the same story would be repeated in my children
We see that "mother" is not an isolated case, but a microcosm of intergenerational transmission. Her upbringing and her environment taught her that 'sensible' and 'self-sacrificing' were female virtues.
She doesn't know how to express her desires, how to enjoy life, because she is afraid of being a burden, for fear of being seen as selfish.
She even unconsciously passed on this belief to us, leaving the whole family living in an invisible bondage.
This is not just a story about motherhood, it is a reflection on certain unhealthy beliefs in our culture.
Our society often teaches women to self-denial, so much so that they forget their right to self-enjoyment.
The mother's story shows us how such beliefs can be passed down from generation to generation and how they deeply affect the psychology and behavior of every family member.
We are all captives of life and fugitives of emotion.
In a fast-paced social environment, women not only have to play traditional roles well, but also have to deal with the competition and challenges in the workplace.
We are often torn between a dilemma, a conflict between our deepest desires and social roles, which makes us feel guilty and anxious even in moments of "enjoyment".
This kind of "happy guilt" psychology accumulated from childhood to adulthood is like a shackle that limits our courage to express our true selves.
It seems that our happiness is always approved by society and family, so that we do not feel guilty
Only when the social environment becomes more tolerant and encourages personal expression can women gradually get rid of their inner burdens, regain their self-worth, and make happiness a natural state that does not need to be justified.
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