Originally, I wanted to find a prince when I got married, but I didn't expect to find either a son or a father.
The neighbor's eldest brother, Big Bear, often quarrels with his wife, resounding in the corridor. Once I finally couldn't bear to go to his house and knock on the door, as soon as my eldest brother opened the door, a strange smell rushed to my nose, and I endured nausea and glanced into the house. I saw my sister-in-law sitting unkempt on the sofa, crying with a 1-year-old child in her hands.
Big Bear invited me into the house, and then there was a half-hour meal of complaining about my sister-in-law. The more I complained, the more angry I became, and seeing that he was about to splash spit on my face, I quickly found an excuse to pull my sister-in-law downstairs.
The clothes on the sister-in-law's body are full of children's saliva, and the children's diapers may not have been changed for a long time, and the whole person looks sloppy. I asked my sister-in-law to tidy up her appearance at my house and change the child's diapers, and then told me what she had been through over the years.
My husband was obedient from the very beginning, and he held her in the palm of his hand like a first love for fear of falling, and he was afraid that he would melt into the back and begin to show his "daddy taste". is like a big parent, the love of the past is gone, and the accusations, preaching, and finding faults are all up.
As soon as he preached, his sister-in-law was in a mess, and she didn't even have the mood to take care of the children and take care of herself. I asked her, "Have you ever felt love and respect?" She thought for a moment and said, "There should be love, but there is very little respect, and he just wants me to listen to him, even if it's not right." I think he is more and more like the head of a feudal family, like a father, not like a husband at all. ”
I was amused by her description. I asked her, "What does he ask of you?" She suddenly stumbled. I immediately ahhh It's just that he always asks you to do what he does against your personal will, right? ”
She nodded and continued: "He is sometimes very clingy, and sometimes he doesn't need me anymore and annoys me, and it's uncertain. It was very difficult to get along with him. It feels like this person is emotionally unstable. ”
I said, "He should not have any sense of security, and when people are insecure, they want to control something, and when the desire for control is satisfied, it will reduce anxiety." Just like some children have to hold their own small blankets when they sleep, or dolls, they don't sleep if they don't hold them. Because it gives him a sense of control, he will have peace of mind. ”
The sister-in-law pouted: "He is relieved, but I can't be relieved." The chickens and dogs are jumping at home, he is like a cannonball, just one point, and he can't go along at all. But I'm not his slave, so I can't do whatever he wants! ”
I looked at the baby crawling on the ground, shook my head and said, "Do you know what your father-in-law is?" This is partly due to personality reasons, and partly due to tutoring. It's easy to learn by example. If the child is immersed in verbal violence for a long time, he will learn this style of communication. ”
The sister-in-law patted her head: "If you don't say it, I forgot to tell you, my mother-in-law is in her 50s, my father-in-law is in her 70s, and my mother-in-law is 20 years younger than my father-in-law." But my mother-in-law died of a brain tumor just after 51, and the disease disappeared within a few months.
I have seen the two of them get along with each other before, and my father-in-law is much older than my mother-in-law, and talking to my mother-in-law is like an elder teaching a younger generation. The mother-in-law didn't bother to bother with him. And my father-in-law is also very strange, always saying, 'You have served me away, and you are also happy.' I don't know what to enjoy. ”
I hummed and explained:"There are special psychological studies that show that if a child is in a family that does not know how to respect each other for a long time, and uses authority to suppress each other, then the child grows up to be power-only. He will bring power to his home and fight for power everywhere.
Love is also conditional love, and this kind of love is more of a strong psychology. For example, if the father always disrespects the mother, the child will look down on the mother and scold the mother. After that, he will feel that women are the appendages of men, and they should listen to men. Later, when he grew up, the first criterion for choosing a mate was meekness. ”
When my sister-in-law heard me talk about this, she was even more angry. He is like this, telling me every day that his first love is obedient and well-behaved. It's that he didn't know how to cherish it when he was young, if he married his first love, how could anyone give him anger every day! People can't look down on him for their first love, and after they broke up, he pestered others, and everyone called the police, thinking he was sick! ”
The disgust of my sister-in-law is all in the air. I couldn't help but laugh out loud. I said, "There is salvation and salvation." I'll teach you a simple way, do you have surveillance at home? ”
The sister-in-law said suspiciously: "Yes, yes, in order to take care of the child, it is not unreasonable to sleep alone in the bedroom." Why use it? I smiled and said, "Sometimes a person is unaware of the impact of his actions on others.
You put the surveillance in the place where you often quarrel, and when the fight is over and you can eat together, you can watch the video together. Some people will be frightened when they see themselves in **. At this time, you don't need to preach, you can overcome rigidity with softness and say: "Look at how scary you are, I am so scared that my hands and feet are numb." ”
You try to describe as much as you can about the impact of his actions. And told him that no matter how old the child is, he will not be able to get along well with his female classmates when he goes to kindergarten. ”This is the first stage, which is called looking in the mirror.
You will find that when you look in the mirror, you will immediately adjust when you see your unkind expression. Recording his behavior and showing him his skills will leave a visual memory in his brain, and when he gets angry again, his brain will call up this image to make him restrain himself.
The second stage is to adjust his misconceptionsAt this stage, it is best to go through psychological counseling, and if he is willing to talk to me, you can bring him. I helped him trace the conditions under which his past misconceptions were formed. Let him establish a correct view of the family and know what is right and what is wrong. Weaken the deep-seated influence of his father's bad example on him.
Phase 3I would make adjustments to the more aggressive and stubborn parts of his personality. Making him aware that feeling insecure is not a way to satisfy himself by manipulating the other person, but other ways. Give him new relationship experiences, help him establish new ways of dealing with relationships, and he will gradually replace the old patterns with new models to get along with you. ”
My sister-in-law was still a little hesitant and asked me, "Then is this a character problem with him, or is there a problem with his personality at the root?" ”
I smiled and said, "I have to ask my eldest brother to come over, I'll talk to him." But in general, Big Brother should be a bit narcissistic. Narcissism is a protective strategy, and belittling others is also a manifestation of narcissism. He is able to sharply capture your weaknesses and express them in a sarcastic way.
Narcissists can't tolerate their own flaws, let alone other people. When they focus their attention on the flaws of others, they naturally lose sight of their own flaws. They use criticism to cover up their deep insecurities and low sense of self-worth. ”
The sister-in-law nodded in agreement. I went downstairs with the baby in my arms.
Here, I will give you an additional psychological reason for a male father who likes to preach.
In the family of origin, if the child's basic psychological needs are not paid enough attention and understood by the parents, then, in the later years, he will take all means and do more things to make up for what he lacks, so that he becomes irrational and emotionally out of control.
For example, children whose needs for independence and control are not met grow up insecure and will feel safe by controlling others. They are either full of desire for power, or they have strict control over their children, not allowing them to have their own space and will.
In their eyes, the things they control are like a life-saving straw, and they only feel safe if they hold on to them, and let go make them feel terrified. Therefore, many times, your current emotional out-of-control is the pain of your original family.
I also hope that the sisters in the marriage will not blindly compromise or quarrel when they encounter similar problems. The most profound impact of this fatherly taste is not only in the relationship between husband and wife, but also on to the next generation to choose a mate and deal with the marriage relationship. Because the truth is not easy for children to understand, role models will be learned as soon as they are learned. Timely detection and timely correction, for their own happiness, but also for the happiness of the baby
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