A feeling of modern ** line: so tired. Among them, there is the tiredness of fullness and satisfaction, and there is also the tiredness of conflict and emptiness. The latter is presented here.
For example, Qiao (pseudonym), who is in her third year of graduate school, said that her heart was ** in half, and everything she did was sharply opposed: I hate interpersonal communication and yearn for it; What is thought and what is said is always different; I like to sleep, dream, and don't want to wake up, but I still wake up early and do things non-stop every day; My sense of being both familiar and unfamiliar with myself makes me live under high pressure. It's so helpless and tired.
Joe is a girl with excellent academics and a gentle temperament. She also wondered why after grad school, her temperament changed so much that she didn't know herself. And try to understand, how the sense of self is formed, what do you want to show, can you move towards integration?
1) Where did the ego go?
Joe is not just a case, that kind of heart, is the current state of many people. And Joe's inner self can answer some of the questions we want to interpret and want.
Let's take a look at a record from Joe: "At the beginning of my life, I was arranged. Since I was a child, I have been like an extremely well-behaved pet, making everyone around me happy, and I seem to be happy too. There are only three things I can remember: my parents worked very hard, cared for me, never let me do anything other than study, and I didn't experience any rebellion, competition, fear, etc. I didn't have a hug from my parents, only their repeated admonitions: study hard to make a difference, and it is the honor of our family to be a doctor in the future. I've never been particularly sad or excited, as if I've been sleeping soundly in my parents' dreams. When I was in my third year of high school, I felt like I was waking up, only to find that I was living somewhere else, and that I didn't like to study at all, and I didn't like anything I did. What's worse is that I find that I am too far away from me, I can't find myself, I can't find myself, I don't even know what I want and what belongs to me. I felt like I was busy in a strange world. ”
For Joe, that philosophical proposition is inexorably in front of him: Who am I, where am I, where am I, where am I going?
Not everyone is willing to reflect on this proposition. Jo was naturally reluctant to think, but she had to think, and like all things she was facing at the moment, she had to accept what she didn't want to accept. Her sense of self is like a blind person, blindly and hard walking on the road where she doesn't know where to go.
Joe's "self" reveals: her sense of subjectivity, from childhood to adolescence, is a chaotic body, soaked in the mother's warm milk, when faced with the impact and choice of the outside world in the late adolescence, the protected baby, only to feel a strong **sex**, manifested in doing anything, anxious should - shouldn't? Good-bad? Accept - Escape? These conflicting experiences are the early experiences that form a person's worrying, avoidant traits.
Needless to say, all memories seek expression, especially those buried deep in the subconscious. Those who love will seek to love again, those who hate will seek to hate again, and those who have been separated and abandoned seek to be separated and abandoned again.
When Joe felt "awake", he was repeating an expression: dragging his feet. At the same time, she thinks that what is the transmission of dragging down? What do you want to do? It's what I really should introspect. Although I am not very sober, where is the lost self?
If the inner ** is a war between two egos, then Joe's inner self is her independent self, declaring war on her subordinated self, but in the end, no one wins. Joe swayed and writhed between her sharply conflicting egos, and of course tired.
2) Self-**, who did it?
Behind the symptoms, there is often a deep meaning. Drag syndrome is actually a passive aggression, and its target is directed at oneself, which may be expressing long-suppressed anger, or it may be expressing resistance to reality, which is the resistance of the independent self to the passive self.
Joe, very symbolic of one of Lacan's doctrines, "the subject of the ego is erased". Many scholars' studies of human nature have expressed this view: man is a product of culture, and if a person is raised by command since childhood, he may become a cowardly good person, or a paranoid tyrant. If a person is raised from an age with respect for a gifted personality, he may become a thoughtful, independent person.
At the same time, these views show that there are two types of people as subjects: one is the subject with a sense of self, also known as people with independent personalities, who value their inner voice and live freely; One is the selfless subject, also called the collective personality, who values the eyes of others and lives a very tiring life.
Joe's sense of drag is a profound reflection of her ego being dominated by the Other, the will of the Other; Joe's ** feelings, to put it bluntly, belong to the part of herself that she really wants, and she has fallen asleep because she has been neglected since childhood.
As another example, the blog post "Looking for Sincerity" written by 668 is not long, but it is thought-provoking and deserves to be read by many parents. Here is a short excerpt: "It is often said that a mother's love for her children is selfless. I don't want to be selfless, I just want it to be a sincere love, an expression of emotion from the bottom of my heart, from the inside out. But what I wanted was completely destroyed in my mother's despised words and behaviors, and I asked myself: is it my mother's true opinion or the cruel words when she is angry? Because it's not sincere, I can't know. So I wondered, why is it always so bothered by an unreal, uncertain chaotic self? ”
I would like to say that the personal feelings expressed by the speechless 668 are the root cause of the problems of many people with drag disorder, the distortion of the child-rearing model of the family: no conflict and diverse values; Fathers are always absent, or rightly taught; Mothers are always intimate, or rightly nagging; Children are always well-behaved, well-rounded "tamers".
3) How to integrate the self of **?
The self ** mentioned here is not a mental **, but a self-confusion or self-contradiction**, which can be integrated. Start with two things:
1) For the caregiver, sincere love for the child and love for the child's interest. The premise is that caregivers must understand the needs of children's psychological development, and have the ability to discover, respect, and maintain children's interests. This requires parents to devote themselves to learning and learning to be a wise and mature parent.
2) For adult children, the search for self-realization must start now, from study and work.
First of all, we must break a psychological entanglement, which is the misalignment of thinking and doing. The self is wounded by the past self, and we have no power to go back to the past to repair, so we can only rebuild based on reality. I believe that when you know "who I am and I have a hurt self", the next thing is to learn to make a choice: I am in **, I want to be in ** (referring to: childhood, future, present). If you want to cling to your childhood dependence, or indulge in fantasies about the future, then you still have to consider whether you have the ability to bear the burden of the present, that kind of self-**?
The way to unload the tiredness of self is to love work. Love is the motivation for people to exert all kinds of interests, and only work is the basis for people to find love and self-worth.
In his letter to his son, Rockefeller wrote: "Heaven and hell are built by themselves. If you give meaning to your work, you will feel happy no matter how big or small it is, and you will have fun with your work, no matter how high or low your self-set achievements are. If you don't like to do it, anything simple becomes difficult, boring, and when you shout that this job is tiring, even if you don't put in the effort, you will feel exhausted." This passage reveals another source of the self-consciousness of people with drag disorder: an indifferent attitude towards life.
The work and study that people have to face are only the difference in age, and the meaning of life is the same thing. Joe, who is in graduate school, if her "** feeling about learning has not changed, then the work she will face in the future will feel the same."
Can the mind of the first person be integrated? Rockefeller's quote also gives the answer. For people with a sense of self-esteem, it is easy to go through this difficult task. Taking Joe as an example, after constantly clarifying her inner feelings, she began to summarize her tiredness, which did not come from "no self", but resentment against "no self" attributed to her parents. She realized, so she said she had to learn to let go first. Then she kept asking a question: I'm older, can I still find what I like, and can I still establish my own goals? In the end, she chose to try to change from now on.
Behind Joe's ** feeling, there is a lightness that people can't bear, such as dazedness, emptiness, and helplessness. Joe's awakening and questioning have clarified the way out of integration, that is, to start thinking about one's goals and to begin to re-give meaning to life. "Trying to change," she says, has made me realize that I'm starting to like what I didn't like. This good message conveys a truth: reconciling with oneself and rebuilding oneself does not mean that you should abandon what you have, but that you should abandon your resistance to what you have, such as your studies or work.