Children in the second year of junior high school are getting later and later to complete their homework after the midterm exams, and they have to finish it until about 11 o'clock every day for nearly half a month, and it will not exceed 9 o'clock before.
The mother asked the child if he was having difficulties in learning and needed help, and the child made it clear
No problem, don't worry about studying, he can handle it himself.
The mother began to review the child's performance during this time, before doing homework would come out of the room to drink water, eat snacks, and go to the toilet during breaks, but recently he entered the room immediately after eating and did not go out, and this has been the case for many months.
The mother sighed in her heart, the child may not stay in the room to study, but is afraid that he is playing with electronic products, and nothing can attract the child's attention like this!
However, the mobile phone and ipad at home are all placed in the living room, and the child has no available equipment, and the more the mother thinks about it, the more bottomless she becomes, and even the carpet cleaning of the room during the child's school time still finds nothing.
Combined with the situation after communicating with the teacher - the quality of homework is not high, the class is not energetic, and the academic test score is declining, the changes in the child must be paid attention to.
The family began to make a lot of noise, repeatedly communicating with the child and even reprimanding him without any improvement, still going into the room to do his homework after eating, and the door was locked and not allowed to be disturbed.
After discussing with Mom and Dad, they made up their minds, treated special problems, quietly walked to the child's door, and quickly opened the child's locked door with the key, and the mobile phone that had not had time to hide suddenly appeared in a stack of test papers.
It turned out to be an old mobile phone at home that was eliminated many years ago, forgotten by parents and without a card!
Children have the Internet in their mobile phones, and small games that can be played without the need for an Internet connection!
The reason was found.
However, the real problem that makes parents anxious also comes.
Why does the previously well-behaved and excellent child seem to be a different person?
Not only is he not serious about studying, but he also secretly plays with his mobile phone?
Is adolescent rebellion coming?
Can an adolescent child still be managed?
And what should I do?
"Disobedience"What happened to the adolescent child?
With the exception of the first three years of life, the brain changes more than any other stage of development during adolescence, and it is also a time when the hormonal balance in the body changes significantly.
The area associated with thinking, planning, and problem-solving is the prefrontal cortex, which develops more slowly.
The amygdala, which is associated with emotions, feelings, and arousal, develops at a faster rate.
Under such a physiological basis, adolescent children have poor control ability on the one hand, and emotional swings on the other hand.
And teenagers in their teens are gradually getting rid of their dependence on their parents and trying to be independent, and in the eyes of parents, children are not so "obedient".
Knowing some of the laws of adolescent development, we can understand the behavior of adolescent children:
They are not very self-disciplined, they can't control themselves, they can't do what they promise to do, they don't deliberately come against their parents, but the brain area that manages self-discipline is still developing;
Emotions are easy to get up, and when you are impatient, you either raise your voice, or you close the door and don't want to speak, or you don't provoke your parents, but the brain that manages emotions is still developing;
And their self-concept and self-identity are also important tasks in the development of adolescence, and they are exploring who they are and who they want to become, which is the only way to go.
So he tried to be free from the constraints of his parents, expressed different views from his parents, and confronted his parents.
What should I do if I meet children at this stage, these adolescent children who don't listen, can't speak, don't eat oil and salt, and do their own thing?
Can it still be managed?
They need space to develop, how can parents handle this degree?
Adolescent children must manage
Teenagers need to let go of their parents' independence, so that children can gradually master the ability to make decisions and learn to be responsible for their own behavior.
But that doesn't mean letting go completely – I don't care if I don't obey.
On the contrary, the most effective form of education for adolescents is love and reasonable demand.
Teenagers need the love of their parents even more than younger children, as stated in "Reconciling with Adolescence":
Teens need a sense of security and need to be assured that nothing can shake their parents' love for them – whether it's their growing maturity, emotional ups and downs, inappropriate behavior, or parental anger at what they've done. "
When faced with some unsatisfactory behaviors of children and no way to discipline them, some parents simply let them go freely in order not to cause parent-child conflicts, which will make children feel abandoned and abandoned.
At this time, the child is likely to lower his requirements for himself and instead go in the direction that his parents are most worried about.
Love is indispensable and necessary for the nurturing of adolescents at the same time"Reasonable requests"：
Set clear boundaries for your child and strictly enforce a clear code of conduct.
In terms of laws and regulations, cultural and moral education, this is the bottom line that has no room and must be strictly observed.
The more serious and clear parents are about this, the more they can effectively avoid major behavioral deviations in their children during the most impulsive adolescence.
Adolescents learn the rules and boundaries of life and discuss them with their children.
The more parents respect their children, consider their children's positions, and explain the truth more clearly, the more cooperative their children are, and the less likely they are to rebel.
For example, sleep time.
Due to the influence of puberty physical development, the child's sleep time is generally delayed, and it is not reasonable for the child to go to bed at 9 o'clock when he was a child.
For example, electronic product management.
Parents should see the needs of their children, listen to their children's opinions and opinions, set rules within a mutually acceptable and reasonable range, and then strictly implement them on both sides.
Each family has their own parenting style and expectations for their children, and the rules vary, but the bottom line is certainly serious, the rules are clear, and the enforcement is strict.
What about adolescent children?
If you set a rule, will your child follow it?
What should I do if my child doesn't comply?
As mentioned earlier, the brain regions responsible for planning and execution develop later, and the results of brain science and cognitive neuroscience have shown that the prefrontal lobe does not complete its final maturation until the age of 22 or even 25.
For teenagers, it has nothing to do with the child's temperament and attitude, it is not that the child is subjectively and deliberately confrontational, but that it is indeed difficult to implement.
Just like a child who learns to walk at the age of about one, he first needs to meet the standard of walking on a physiological basis, and then there will be a period of stumbling and learning to walk, and then he can walk and jump freely and safely.
Teenagers have their own temperament and personality, but with the development of the brain and the development of the body, it also takes a process to learn self-control, learn how to implement reasonable requirements, and how to implement a clear code of conduct.
Parents still have to do the same as when their children were young, firmly believe in their children, and open their hands to support them at critical moments.
1. Set an insurmountable line.
In addition to laws and regulations, parents and adolescents should be clear about family rules and regulations that can be discussed and what are not.
For example, some families prohibit minor children from playing all night outside and not returning home, what parents have to do is not to persuade them in **, but to go to the scene to take the child home directly.
2. It must be strict when it should be strict
The most likely to cause conflicts, but also the most important for parents is the use of electronic products, although the use of the scene and time agreed with the child, the child is likely to take the agreement as a deaf ear, and repeatedly teach not to change.
At this time, parents are requested to strictly implement and clearly remind their children: the time has come, please turn off the iPad and put it in the designated position.
Of course, the child is likely to be at a critical moment when the time comes, a ** is about to end, a song is coming to an end, parents can flexibly adjust a few minutes according to the situation, but it needs to be strictly implemented in place, end the child's use time, and at the same time turn off the electronic products and store them in the designated location at home.
Expecting children to freely own electronic devices but not use them is a wild talk.
3. When it's time to let go, you must let go, and allow rebellion within a certain range
Personal things such as children's daily routines, dressing habits, and room tidying are handed over to children, so that children can learn to take responsibility for their own behavior.
After agreeing on the wake-up time and wake-up method with the child, parents do what they should do without having to stare at their child's every move, so that the child can master the rhythm.
It does not harm the child's health, nor does it affect the future behavior, parents can let go and allow the child to try and challenge, such as clothing that does not meet the parents' aesthetics, novelty, weekend arrangements, etc.
Only when they have freedom can children be truly responsible for their own decisions and actions, and they will eventually be completely autonomous in their lives.
The parents of the second junior high school children in the article asked me for help when they were helpless, and the parents wanted to "manage" but found that the children did not listen to what they said, for fear that the children would insist on delaying their studies, and they were even more afraid that the rough way would lead to fierce confrontation with the children, causing vicious consequences.
After understanding the physiological and psychological characteristics of adolescent children, parents are willing to try the above suggestions, sincerely communicate with their children, and also see the desire of children to decompress and relax in the way of watching ** after learning.
Including the parents agree to knock on the door every time they enter, and the child promises not to lock the door.
A list of books that the child wants to read, parents help to buy, use electronics in the common area of the living room.
If the homework is completed with high quality before 9 o'clock, you can read the book for one hour freely.
Grades have dropped, less time spent reading books is spent on revision, and so on.
In the case of parents understanding and respecting their children, the child's change is very obvious, the quality of homework and learning status are improving, and the most important thing is that the relationship between parents and children is no longer-for-tat and unable to communicate, but mutual trust, listening, sharing, facing problems together, and solving problems together.
We must believe in children, especially when adolescence is full of problems, when it is time to manage, when it is time to release, and believe that every child can grow up smoothly and healthily.
Instead of doubting the worst, expect the best.
When something goes wrong, trust that your child has good intentions. ”
Author|Shiman Chen Tuo, National Level 2 Psychological Counselor,Illustrations|Poetry and Charm Night Painting High-quality Author List