hey, it's annemarie with speak confident english, and i h**e a question for you.
Hey, I'm Anne Marie, who speaks English confidently, and I have a question for you.
h**e you ever been caught off guard or felt shocked by an unexpected uncomfortable question that was controversial or too personal?
Have you ever been caught off guard or shocked by an unexpected uncomfortable question that is controversial or too personal?
for example, a coworker asking, so who are you gonna vote for? or why don't you h**e kids? why'd you move here?
For example, a colleague asks, who would you vote for? Or why don't you have children? Why did you move here?
or perhaps you were part of a conversation that took a turn toward a topic you didn't wanna participate in, such as politics or gossip.
Or maybe you're part of the conversation and the conversation has shifted to something you don't want to get involved in, like politics or gossip.
if you've ever felt stuck and frustrated because you didn't know what to do in that situation, i want you to know you're not alone.
If you've ever felt stuck and frustrated because you didn't know what to do in that situation, I want you to know that you're not alone.
in fact, i recently received an email with a request for this very topic.
In fact, I recently received an email with a request on this topic.
here's what lisa said, anne marie, i would love to see more videos on dealing with difficult people and how to steer a conversation from uncomfortable subjects like politics or speaking ill of someone.
Here's what Lisa said:"Anne Marie, I'd like to see more on how to deal with difficult people and how to steer the conversation away from uncomfortable topics like politics or bad things about people.
the key to dealing with difficult people and uncomfortable topics is knowing how to control the conversation.
The key to dealing with difficult people and uncomfortable topics is knowing how to control the conversation.
in this confident english lesson, you're going to learn three practical strategies you can use to control conversations in english, and i'll share phrases you can use to help you do that.
In this Confident English lesson, you'll learn three practical strategies for controlling your conversational English, and I'll share some phrases to help you do just that.
as a result, you'll know exactly how to answer those questions if you want to, how to change the topic to something more appropriate, and how to be clear about your boundaries with an assertive tone so that you can bring that conversation to an end.
So, if you want, you'll know how to answer these questions, how to move the topic to a more appropriate place, and how to clarify your boundaries in a confident tone so you can end the conversation.
but first, if you don't already know, i'm anne marie an english confidence and fluency coach. everything i do is designed to help you get the confidence you want for your life and work in english.
But first, in case you didn't already know, I'm Anna Marie, a confident and fluent English-speaking coach. Everything I do is designed to help you get the confidence you want to live and work in English.
one way i do that is by sharing these confident english lessons every week.
One of the ways I do this is to share these confident English lessons every week.
so while you're here, make sure you subscribe to my speak confident english channel on youtube so you never miss one of these confident english lessons.
So while you're here, be sure to subscribe to my Confident English channel on YouTube so you don't miss out on these Confident English lessons.
now, i don't know about you, but for me in my second language, there's something that happens when an uncomfortable question comes up that makes me panic and freeze.
Now, I don't know about you, but for me, when it comes to learning a second language, I panic and stay stunned when confronted with uncomfortable questions.
i don't know what to do, but it's important to remember that you do not need to answer a question that makes you uncomfortable, and you h**e the power to decide how and where to steer a conversation.
I don't know what to do, but it's important to remember that you don't need to answer a question that makes you uncomfortable, and you have the right to decide how and how to guide the conversation in.
to steer a conversation means to regain control and manage the direction of the conversation. to do that, there are three strategies you can use.
Channeling the conversation means regaining control and managing the direction of the conversation. To do this, there are three strategies you can use.
number one, you can use curiosity to better understand why the question was asked in the first place. number two, you can redirect the conversation by changing the topic.
First, you can use curiosity to better understand why the question was asked in the first place. Second, you can redirect the conversation by changing the topic.
and number three, you can communicate your boundaries with an assertive tone. to bring that topic to an end, let's take a look at each one of those strategies in depth.
Third, you can communicate your boundaries in a confident tone. To wrap up this topic, let's take a deep look at each of these strategies.
so first, use curiosity to better understand why someone is asking you this uncomfortable question.
So first, use curiosity to better understand why someone would ask you this uncomfortable question.
without a doubt, there are some questions that are simply rude, and there are people who don't care about personal boundaries or are intentionally aggressive.
There is no doubt that some issues are rude and rude, while others are disrespectful or deliberately aggressive.
in those situations, it's best to change the topic or immediately bring the conversation to an end by asserting your boundaries, and we're gonna talk about that in strategies two and three.
In this case, it's better to change the subject, or end the conversation immediately by sticking to your bottom line, which we'll talk about in strategy two and strategy three.
however, sometimes people ask questions out of genuine curiosity, they want to know more about who you are, and perhaps they just didn't know how to ask the question appropriately.
However, sometimes people ask questions out of genuine curiosity, they want to know more about who you are, maybe they just don't know how to ask the question properly.
it came out wrong, and as a result it sounded aggressive, personal or controversial. and sometimes people ask questions because what they really want is to discuss a difficult situation they're dealing with.
It's not right to say it that way, and it sounds aggressive, personal, or controversial. Sometimes, people ask questions because what they really want to discuss is a difficult situation that they are dealing with.
for example, it may be a coworker who's struggling to recreate work-life balance as a new mom.
For example, it could be a first-time mother colleague struggling to rebalance work and life.
she doesn't know who to talk to, so she's looking for someone who has that shared experience and to identify who she might be able to speak to, she asks a question that comes across as too personal.
She didn't know who to talk to, so she was looking for someone to share the experience with and to determine who she could talk to, and she asked a question that seemed too personal.
one way to control the conversation and h**e the power to decide if you want to answer the question is to use curiosity to get more detail and better understand the purpose of the question.
One way to control the conversation and have the authority to decide whether or not to answer a question is to use curiosity to get more details and better understand the purpose of the question.
to do this, you can acknowledge the question and then return it back to the individual or simply ask why, for example, that's interesting. why are you asking me that?
To do this, you can acknowledge the problem and then return the problem to the other person, or simply ask why, for example, which is funny. Why are you asking me?
or, that's an unexpected question. i'd like to know why you're asking.
Or, it's an unexpected question. I wonder why you're asking.
can i ask why you want to know? good question, but you first, why did you move here? that's a difficult question to answer, is that's something you're struggling with?
Can I ask you why you want to know? That's a good question, but why did you move here? This question is hard to answer, are you struggling with this question?
each one of those questions will give you details so that you can decide, was this question asked with genuine curiosity and do you want to continue? do you want to answer and engage in this conversation?
Each of these questions will give you details so you can decide, is this question being asked with genuine curiosity? Do you want to answer and participate in this conversation?
if not, you could use strategies two or three to either change the topic or bring it to an end.
If not, you can use strategy two or three to change the topic or end the topic.
now, before we move on to strategy two, i do want to go back and say those examples again, and in doing so, i want you to pay attention to the sound of my voice and the intonation i'm using.
Now, before we get into strategy two, I want to go back and say these examples again, and in doing so, I want you to pay attention to my voice and intonation.
wow, that's an unexpected question. i'm curious, why do you want to know? that's an interesting question. i'm curious why you're asking.
Wow, that's an unexpected question. I'm curious, why do you want to know? This is an interesting question. I'm curious why you're asking.
do you notice that i'm maintaining a higher tone of voice and i'm using rising intonation? that's an interesting question. why are you asking? this?
Did you notice that I kept a higher pitch and used a rising tone? This is an interesting question. Why are you asking? This one?
combination of a higher tone in rising intonation indicates curiosity and interest.
The combination of higher tones in the rising tone indicates curiosity and interest.
it also maintains an open friendly feeling in the conversation while you determine whether or not this is a question you want to answer.
It can also maintain an open and friendly feel in the conversation when you determine if this is the question you want to answer.
furthermore, by asking these questions, you'll give the speaker an opportunity to explain why they've asked this question.
Also, by asking these questions, you'll give the speaker a chance to explain why they're asking the question.
it'll help you understand the intent and give you the power to decide whether or not you want to continue.
It will help you understand the intent and give you the authority to decide whether you want to continue or not.
you might realize that the question was asked with genuine interest and decide to continue, or you may want to go on to strategy number two, redirect the conversation by changing the topic.
You may realize that the question was being asked out of genuine interest and decide to keep asking, or you may want to continue with strategy two, redirecting the conversation by changing the subject.
if a conversation takes an undesirable turn and touches on topics that are sensitive, controversial, or inappropriate, you can redirect the conversation and to do this, we use a **method of acknowledging and pivoting.
If the conversation takes an inappropriate turn, touching on a sensitive, controversial, or inappropriate topic, you can redirect the conversation, and for that, we use a simple acknowledgment and turn approach.
this means you acknowledge the topic that was just brought up or the topic of the question, and then you smoothly transition to something else.
This means that you acknowledge the topic of the topic or question you just brought up and then smoothly transition to other topics.
you could transition, for example, to a recent event, a shared interest or a positive experience, whatever you might be more interested and comfortable with discussing.
For example, you can transition to a recent event, a shared hobby, or a positive experience, any topic that you might be more interested in and more willing to discuss.
for example, you could say, that's an interesting point. speaking of which h**e you heard about and then insert a new topic or good question, but i'm not really into politics.
For example, you could say that this is an interesting point. Speaking of which, you've heard about it, and then insert a new topic or a good question, but I'm not very fond of politics.
what i do want to talk about is your recent trip to slovenia. i know you just got back from vacation. how was it?
I do want to say a few words about your recent trip to Slovenia. I know you've just returned from vacation. What do you think?
if someone you know asks when you're h**ing kids, you could say, we'll let you know when we decide. speaking of kids and family, did you know they're reopening the old theater in our neighborhood?
If someone you know asks when you're going to have a baby, you can say we'll tell you when we decide. Speaking of kids and families, did you know they're going to reopen an old theater near us?
i'm so excited to go back and eager to see how they've remodeled the theater.
I would love to go back and see how they have transformed the theater.
did you go often before it closed? or, for example, if a coworker asks, why h**en't you gotten married yet? you could say, thanks for asking, but i don't usually share my personal life at work.
Do you go a lot before closing? Or, for example, if a colleague asks, why aren't you married yet? You can say, thank you for your inquiry, but I don't usually share my personal life at work.
oh, but i did want to ask you about the presentation you g**e last week.
Oh, but I did want to ask you about your speech last week.
i know you were anxious about it. how'd it go? in each one of those examples, there was an acknowledgment of the topic or the question that was asked, and then i just changed to something new.
I know you're worried, what is the outcome? In each of these examples, I said yes to the topic or question asked, and then moved on to a new one.
in some cases, it might be a topic that is somehow related, and in others it might be a completely new topic.
In some cases, it may be a topic with some kind of connection, while in others, it may be a completely new topic.
the key to doing this successfully is h**ing some transitional language, for example, speaking of speaking of kids and family or, oh, i wanted to ask you, here are a few more examples of transitional language we can use for an effective acknowledgment and pivot.
The key to doing this successfully is to have some transitional language, like, when it comes to children and families, or, oh, I want to ask you, here are some examples of transitional language that we can use to make effective confirmations and transitions.
sorry to change the topic, but i just thought of something i wanted to ask you before i forget.
I'm sorry to change the subject, but I just thought of something and wanted to ask you before I forget.
i wanted to ask you something.
I want to ask you something.
oh, remember how i mentioned by the way, before i forget, let's circle back to, and i don't mean to cut you off, but earlier you mentioned you may h**e noticed that in all those examples, i'm still maintaining a tone of voice that is neutral, open, and friendly.
Oh, remember what I said, before I forget, let's go back and that I didn't mean to interrupt you, but you just mentioned, and you may have noticed, that in all of these examples, I'm still maintaining a neutral, open, and friendly tone.
you can't really hear feelings of anger or frustration, and i'm still using rising intonation at the end of those questions to demonstrate curiosity and to help make that transition, listen again to one example.
You don't really hear the feeling of anger or frustration, and I still use a rising tone at the end of these questions to express curiosity and help bring that shift to effect, listen to another example.
thanks for asking, but i don't usually discuss my personal life at work. oh, but i did want to ask you about the presentation you g**e last week.
Thank you for your inquiry, but I don't usually discuss my personal life at work. Oh, but I did want to ask you about your speech last week.
how'd it go?
What do you think? now, if someone doesn't allow you to transition to a new topic, or if it's a question that's so rude, so inappropriate that you immediately want to put an end to it, it's time to be clear about your boundaries with an assertive tone.
Now, if someone doesn't allow you to transition to a new topic, or if it's such a rude, inappropriate question that you want to terminate it right away, it's time to define your boundaries in a firm tone.
let's go on to strategy number three.
Let's take a look at the third strategy.
establishing a boundary with someone else means that you make it clear what is and isn't acceptable to you, and when we communicate our boundaries, it's important to make them clear so there's no room for interpretation.
Establishing boundaries with others means that you want to be clear about what you can and cannot accept, and when we communicate our boundaries, it's important to be clear so that there's no room for interpretation.
now, if this is a topic of interest to you, i do h**e an in-depth lesson on how to establish boundaries for healthy relationships with others, and i'll share a link to that lesson in the notes below the video.
Now, if you're interested in this topic, I do have an in-depth lesson on how to build boundaries for healthy relationships with others, and I'll share a link to this lesson in the comments below.
for the purposes of this lesson on how to control the conversation, i want to look at three ways you can be clear about your boundaries.
In this lesson on how to control conversations, I'd like to cover three ways to define your own boundaries.
the first option is to address the situation or address the topic with soft diplomatic language. for example, i'm so sorry, i don't feel comfortable talking about this.
The first option is to deal with the situation or talk about the topic in soft diplomatic language. For example, I'm sorry that I'm not too willing to talk about this topic.
could we talk about something else? i respect your opinion, but i'd rather not talk about this here.
Can we talk about something else? I respect your opinion, but I don't want to talk about this here.
sorry, i don't feel comfortable talking about this and i'd really appreciate it if we don't bring this up at work. thank you for asking.
I'm sorry, I don't like to talk about this, and I'd appreciate it if we didn't bring it up at work. Thank you for your concern.
i'd rather not discuss this because i don't feel comfortable sharing my personal thoughts and feelings on this.
I don't want to discuss this because I don't like to share my personal thoughts and feelings about this.
to be honest, i don't h**e much to contribute to this topic. can we talk about something else? you know, i don't like talking about people who can't defend themselves.
Honestly, I don't have much to say on this topic. Can we talk about something else? You know, I don't like to talk about people who can't protect themselves.
since susan isn't here to share her side of the story, i'd rather not talk about it.
Since Susan isn't here to share her story, I'd rather not talk about it.
your second option to politely and assertively communicate your boundaries is to be direct about your discomfort, for example. that's a bit too forward.
The second option to express your boundaries politely and confidently is to speak directly about your discomfort, for example. That's a bit too straightforward.
i don't feel comfortable answering that. that's too personal. i'd rather not answer that question. i don't think that's an appropriate conversation for the workplace.
I don't like to answer this question. That's too personal. I'd rather not answer this question. I don't think it's suitable for the workplace.
and lastly, i'm not comfortable going into detail about that. the third way to be clear about your boundaries is to openly share your frustration and disapproval. to do that, you might say, that's inappropriate.
Finally, I am reluctant to dwell on this. The third way to make boundaries clear is to openly share your frustrations and disapprovals. To do this, you might say, it's not appropriate.
i won't answer that question, or that's a rude question. please don't ask me that again. and lastly, we both know this question isn't okay to ask. i'm sure you know better.
I'm not going to answer this question, or it's a rude question. Please don't ask me about this again. In the end, we all know that this question is not easy to ask. I'm sure you know better.
h**e you noticed that in discussing strategy number three, communicating boundaries with assertiveness, the tone of my voice has changed, it's lower, and i use falling intonation at the end of my sentences.
Have you ever noticed that when discussing the third strategy, using assertiveness to communicate boundaries, my tone changed and lowered, and I used a descending intonation at the end of the sentence.
doing so communicates seriousness and confidence or certainty in my position.
Doing so conveys my seriousness, confidence, or certainty about my position.
not only do my words communicate that i disapprove of a particular question or topic of conversation, but my voice also communicates that message.
Not only does my words convey that I disapprove of a particular issue or topic, but my voice also conveys that message.
it lets others know that i'm serious and i'm confident in my position. listen again to two examples so that you really hear that difference.
It lets others know that I'm serious and that I'm confident in where I stand. Listen to two more examples so you can really hear the difference.
i don't think this is an appropriate conversation for the workplace. thanks for asking, but i'm not comfortable answering that question.
I don't think it's a good conversation to work on. Thank you for your inquiry, but I don't like to answer this question.
before we finish this lesson on how to control the conversation, i do want to acknowledge that you could also use humor to steer the conversation and communicate your boundaries.
Before we wrap up this lesson on how to control conversation, I do want to admit that you can also use humor to guide the conversation and communicate your boundaries.
in fact, humor can be a powerful tool for controlling the conversation, helping you redirect to a new topic and diffuse any friction or tension that came up due to an inappropriate question or unfortunate turn in the conversation.
In fact, humor can be a powerful tool for controlling conversations, helping you redirect to a new topic and defuse any friction or tension that arises due to inappropriate questions or unfortunate turns in the conversation.
however, i recommend using humor with caution. first, you want to make sure that the context is appropriate for a humorous response.
Still, I would recommend using humor sparingly. First, you want to make sure that the context is appropriate for the humorous response.
and number two, you also want to make sure that you're able to maintain control over your voice using a friendly tone.
Second, you also want to make sure that you are able to use a friendly tone to control your voice.
for example, let's say that you're out h**ing lunch or dinner with some of your coworkers, and in the conversation, someone asks a question that's just too personal.
For example, let's say you go out for lunch or dinner with some co-workers, and in the middle of the conversation, someone asks a question that is too personal.
for example, who are you going to vote for? or why don't you h**e kids?
For example, who would you vote for? Or why don't you have children?
here's how you could use a humorous response. hmm, that's for me to know and you to never find out, or wouldn't you like to know a third option?
You can answer with humor. Well, that's only me knowing, you'll never know, or don't you want to know the third option?
hmm, i'm afraid i'm gonna h**e to le**e you in suspense forever. and a fourth option. oh, that's the million-dollar question, isn't it?
I'm afraid I'll have to leave you in suspense forever, and there's a fourth option Oh, that's a million-dollar question, isn't it?
but let's get two more important issues like what are you gonna order for dinner to recap everything that you've learned here today, i want to start by underscoring the fact that you do not need to answer any question that makes you uncomfortable, and you can choose from all of these strategies so that you're in control.
But let's discuss two more important questions, like what you ordered for dinner, to summarize all the knowledge you've learned here today. I want to start by highlighting the fact that you don't need to answer any questions that make you uncomfortable, you can choose from all of these strategies so that you are in control.
you h**e the power to decide what to do. you can decide if you want to find out a little bit more and maybe answer the question, or you can acknowledge the topic of conversation and simply switch to a new one.
You have the right to decide what to do. You can decide if you want to know more and maybe answer the question, or you can acknowledge the topic and switch to a new one.
you can also be assertive in communicating what is and isn't acceptable to you, bringing an end to the conversation. with that, i would love to hear from you.
You can also confidently convey what you can and can't accept, ending the conversation. I'd love to hear from you.
i want you to think back to situations in which someone asked you an inappropriate question. how did you handle that situation?
I want you to recall a situation where someone asked you an inappropriate question. How did you handle this situation?
was there a strategy you used that helped you maintain control of the conversation? if so, i would love for you to share that strategy with others here in the confident english community.
What strategies did you use to help you maintain control of your conversation? If so, I hope you will share this strategy with others in the Confident English community.
my second question is, based on what you've learned today, how will you handle uncomfortable questions or topics of conversations going forward?
My second question is, based on what you've learned today, how will you deal with uncomfortable questions or conversation topics in the future?
as always, you can share your thoughts and questions with me in the comment section below. if you found today's lesson helpful, i would love to know, and you can tell me in one super **way.
As always, you can share your thoughts and questions with me in the comments section below. If you find today's lesson helpful, I'd love to know, you can tell me in a super easy way.
give this lesson a thumbs up here on youtube, and while you're at it, make sure you subscribe so you never miss one of my confident english lessons.
Like it here on youtube and be sure to subscribe while you're here so you don't miss out on my confident English lessons.
thank you so much for joining me, and i look forward to seeing you next time.
Thank you so much for joining us and look forward to seeing you next time.