Because the avoidant type always likes to stay by your side as a "victim".
Their self-consistent logic (self-centered thinking) makes it very difficult to admit their mistakes or shortcomings, and they are always accustomed to blaming the fault party of the problem on you.
Once you have a little true feelings for them, it is especially easy for them to "fall into self-doubt, self-reflection, find their own problems, and even naively think that "you can save their misfortune and their trauma".
Although avoidant avoidance behaviors (including emotional apathy, excessive emphasis on one's independence, and avoiding problem solving, etc.) can be very suffocating and helpless. But for me, who has been exposed to attachment patterns for many years, what worries me the most is not the avoidance of their behavior, but more their psychological unawareness.
Psychological unconsciousness will inevitably fall into a self-centered self-consistent logic.
Most of the time, avoidant people see your relationship from their own perspective, without empathy or reflection. What they take for granted is the normative code of relationships.
They are used to not being dependent on others, so they don't allow you to rely on them.
They are used to not bothering others, so they don't allow you to trouble them.
It's not that they hate things like "dependence" and "help", mainly because they have a certain degree of defensiveness against any interpersonal relationship (and the depth of this sense of defensiveness is to a certain extent proportional to their innate growth environment), and it is difficult to truly trust or trust a person, so they naturally resist the interactive behavior of the relationship.
Nature is more suspicious and sensitive than "normal people", and there will be more "obedience tests" for relationships. Only if you meet my standards and meet my expectations, you may be the one I can trust and rely on.
In fact, there are many rules and regulations for avoidant relationships.
Don't look at them not fighting or grabbing, as if they are "pure-hearted, desireless, and desireless" all day long, but in fact, they have a lot of their own subjective needs for you and a relationship.
In terms of external performance, the reason why they can have no desires and no desires, and they don't take the initiative to ask for anything from you, is because they don't rely on you enough and don't trust you enough, even if you are lovers and exist in a community relationship, they will still see you as a separate individual, and they emphasize each other's "subject separation". I am also more afraid that taking the initiative will cause trouble, which will make it difficult for me to withdraw.
In internal perception, the avoidant type expects from you. Or they will judge your value by their feelings, and whether the relationship needs to continue.
As long as they will enter into a relationship and have an accepting attitude towards love, they will inevitably expect the other half they are looking for to be a capable person who can meet their ideal partner standards in many ways.
But what exactly is this "companion standard"?
It's actually very vague.
Even the avoidant type himself can't tell the truth. They only know in general terms that they are looking for an independent, emotionally stable partner.
But to what extent is independence? - If you are too independent, you will not be connected, and if you are not independent, you will be too clingy. They are judged solely by their feelings.
According to the feedback of my clients, they get along with the avoidant type from time to time. Sometimes the avoidant type seems to act more dependent than them, but sometimes the avoidant type is busy with their own affairs as if yesterday's intimacy did not exist.
That's because the sensibility and rationality of avoidant attachment are separated, and there is no solid bridge of interaction between the two. Avoidant can be "very rational", but rarely "very emotional".
And a healthy intimate relationship, reason and emotion, both are indispensable.
Excessive rationality can make people look like robots and get along with each other without human feelings; Excessive sensibility can make people indecisive and procrastinate.
Avoidant type In the "overall requirements" of the other half, they are rational, they are strong, and they want to find an all-round partner; In the "actual relationship" with the other half, they are subjective, self-oriented, and emotional, and will judge whether you are doing the right thing according to their own standards and feelings? Is it good?
The feeling of disconnection brings only incongruity.
To a certain extent, this also explains from the side that "why there is always a sense of ups and downs when getting along with avoidant attachment".
Then back to the question part, the answer is coming.
This is because the avoidant "feeling" subjective judgment method itself lacks fairness and justice. Often after a conflict arises, they will habitually shirk their responsibilities and produce a series of "blame-shifting" behaviors.
Excuse me, when you lack a clear understanding of yourself, and at the same time repeatedly endure the "blame-dumping remarks" from them** in the face of the avoidant "righteous words", "heaven and earth are not afraid", "I am the most right in the world", can you not waver?
At this moment, I am afraid that you will firmly believe that "you must not find a better way out except to stay by his side".
Finally, I would like to give you this quote that I particularly like:
I'm @有故事的Teacher Cai, a psychological counselor who has no story but a lot of nonsense.