Although everyone's life experience is different, the beliefs of captivity always have a unique way of expression and universality, and every time I think of them, they will be like cages, trapping oneself to death.
So, this book summarizes twelve common psychological problems to help us identify and open our own mental cage.
Conflict and resentment
There will always be people in life who are trying to drive us crazy, it may be a difficult client, it may be a parent who will never understand us, or it may be the closest partner.
People often get angry because there is a gap between expectations and reality. We always think that everything is the fault of the other person, and that the other person is adding to our emotional burden, but what really traps us is our own unrealistic expectations.
Recall that when you first met, you never complained about each other, because all you expected from each other was to be there for you. Later, you see that others are more attentive, so I hope that the other person can be more considerate.
You see others working hard, so Ciri can be more motivated to Wan. You have gone from just expecting each other to be there for each other, to asking each other to be perfect people.
If you want to get rid of resentment, you need to see expectations, see what you expect from others, accept others as they are, let go of their perfect expectations, demands and controls, and also see what others expect of you.
That's the boundary you need to keep firmly.
When someone says you're wrong, just answer "You're right." He could not fight against this. This does not mean that you have to lie, because everyone makes mistakes, and everyone can improve. You just have to say, "Yes, you're right. ”
If the expectations of others exceed this boundary, don't be angry, don't argue, because conflict is a rope and you are pulling each other at both ends, and such a battle requires the participation of both parties, and if you stop participating, the battle will not be started.
Pain and sorrow
In the face of sudden misfortune, have you ever accused the heavens of injustice, and kept asking "why me" in your heart?
In the face of the expectations of your parents and those around you, do you hide your true self and think that this is the only way to deserve happiness?
Faced with the loss of your loved ones, do you feel frustrated and guilty about escaping reality, trapped in unresolved grief all the time?
We are like a victim of captivity, trapped in the pain of powerlessness, how can we get out of this pain?
Understand that "suffering has nothing to do with what happened, but with nothing that didn't happen." ”
In the face of unchangeable things, we will always be trapped by the two words "if", if only we had not done that at the beginning, if we had done that at the beginning. Once you get caught up in the ifs, you force yourself to keep your focus on what you have lost.
Eventually, the unacceptable and unchangeable truth will tear our hearts apart. In fact, the pain is not because of what happened, but because nothing happened.
The cage that traps one's own mind is often built by oneself, and it is these self-implanted thoughts that become a shackle, and the key to freedom is in our own hands.
We need to learn to replace what ifs with what to do now, and shift our attention from what we have lost to what is left.
In the face of an unchangeable parting, we may wish to be grateful that those lost souls have come to us for many times, and then free ourselves from regret and guilt and make peace with our own pain.
Otherwise, those who still love us will be hurt.
Self-neglect
Self-neglect cage - more concerned about the needs of your family than yourself; Pursue achievements and forget to care for yourself.
This kind of person must be kind and responsible, and will feel guilty if they don't pay.
But it's unhealthy thinking to focus on doing more for the people you care about. This is also weakening the ability of the people you care about, making them form the habit of relying on you, and depriving them of the right to be a responsible **.
Unless you start loving yourself (practice feeling pleasure every day), you can't do anything for the people you care about.
True love is unconditional, but such love is scarce.
When we are still children, we need to win love through good manners and excellent grades.
When we grow up, we are used to neglecting ourselves in order not to cause trouble to others.
We are bound by the expectations of others and the responsibilities that need to be assumed. But know that all our relationships with others come to an end, and we must break the old habit of giving up on ourselves and learn to allow ourselves to give ourselves unconditional love.
The book says, "You need to get back that part of yourself that you had to give up, back to that whole self that you weren't allowed to exist in the past." ”
Stop being afraid of being hated, stop being afraid of being criticized, because criticism has more to do with the person making the criticism than with us.
Their criticism is often not for your own good, they just want to prove themselves by criticizing others.
Sometimes selfishness is a good thing, it teaches you self-care and self-care.
Please stop apologizing for not being able to save everyone who is not responsible for their actions. That means saying to yourself, "I've done what I could." ”
We should learn to cherish ourselves, embrace and appreciate what we have, accept what we don't have, and treat the people we hate the most as our best teachers.
Remember: "You have what no one else will ever have, and that's your whole life." ”
It's never someone else who traps you, it's yourself.
Write to the end
Each of us can find our shadow in the 12 most common psychological dilemmas described in this book, but in fact, the strength we need to be free is hidden within us. Reading this book is like a dose of psychological vaccine, which allows me to stop mental internal friction and regain my inner strength!
The author was a little hesitant when she was studying for her Ph.D., thinking that she would be too old to be 50 years old when she graduated, but his principal told her, "You will be 50 years old no matter what!" ”
That's really great! Whether you live this life on your own terms or not, your 50 years old will come the same. So why not do everything you want? Feel it, try it, love it! It's never too late to be yourself.
The key to freedom is to keep being who you really are. ”