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Article author: Nina
[Recent developments].
Recently, readDr. Hailan's "Imperfect, Beautiful".There are many points in the book that have touched me, and I will share them with you in different topics
Share the theme: Intimacy is stuck, and it is often our way of loving that is "narrow".
In the book, Dr. Hailan shares: ".The reason why intimate relationships are stuck is often because we feel love in a very narrow way, we always love according to our own standards and methods, and we also use this way to measure each other's love.
In intimate relationships,Most people are accustomed to measuring the love of others against the standards and expressions of their own love and being loved.
In the book, Dr. Hailan shares: ".People often ask for it in the name of love.
Just as we love each other and want each other to love us in the same way. Sometimes,If one party thinks that they are "giving in one direction", it is easy to complain about the other party and even blame the other party.
I have a very good friend who studied separately from his girlfriend during his graduate studies. The most ceremonial thing between them is probably the round-trip plane ticket to meet every month.
Long-distance love is sometimes particularly enviableBecause: distance produces beauty.
My friend here is very interested in research, and I estimate that more than 10 hours of the 24 hours a day are spent in the laboratory. Either on the way to the lab, or in the lab.
Many times, his girlfriend takes the initiative to send messages and call ** to understand each other's living conditions, but my friends sometimes reply very late because of study or research tasks.
Because of this, my girlfriend feels more and more of a sense of disparity in her heartA thought of "I love him more than he loves me" came to my heart.
I can relate to that. As girls, we are relatively "sensitive", and a little "wind and grass" in the relationship may set off "a wave of waves".
For her situation, I had in-depth communication with her and how to face and maintain the intimate relationship between each other.
Dr. Hailan also shared in the book:When you complain over and over again, accusing the other person of not seeing you, not hearing you, and not loving you enough, can you stop and ask yourself if you see the other person? Heard the other party? Understand the intentions and needs behind each of the other person's actions?
In the face of love,We tend to be not only "irrational", but even most of the time we see "me" instead of "we".
Maybe you will say: It is because I think about "us" that I am so excited, and I hope that he cares more about me and cares about me.
Just like a friend recently said with a sigh: It's getting harder and harder to maintain intimacy now, and you can't stop saying "why don't you give me emotional value"?
As we can see from the vivid conversations and feedback above,It's all about "me" as a person, not on "us" as a relationship.
This in itself is what affects intimacy the most.
As the saying goes:The most romantic word between two people is not "I love you", but "together".
And for the "together" thing,It is necessary for us to observe the needs of this relationship with our hearts, feel each other's hearts with our hearts, and give each other a sense of security, belonging and value with our hearts.
We can't just stand on the personal side and measure the needs of the relationship with our own needs, let alone use our own emotions to "kidnap" the emotions of others.
In an intimate relationship, there is no such thing as "you give more" or "I give more".
If everything has "calculations" and "calculations", then the original value and meaning of intimacy have long been lost.
So,We must return to our original intention of "being together", think about our relationship and needs, love and feel with our heartsThis is the true meaning of "loving and being loved".
To build a good "intimate relationship", we need to start with "relationships", not "individuals":
1.[Cultivating "feelings"]:First of all, it is important to be willing to "spend time", every relationship needs to be carefully managed and cared for, whether it is an intimate relationship with a partner or a parent-child relationship with children, it also needs to "spend time", and it requires high-quality companionship. You may think that you are too busy at work to find time to spend time with others. In fact, this "time spent" is not only the time to meet or chat, but also the warmth of "small details". For example, a greeting, a word of concern, less looking at the phone and more at the other party when we are together, etc. In this sense, sharing the circle of friends is actually a good way for the other party to know how they are doing. Many people will think that the "circle of friends" are overly "marketing" or "showing off", but in fact, there is really no need to have such a strong ideological baggage, it is a very meaningful thing to simply record the time of two people, and the time when two people are not together with "us".
2.[Good "communication"]:Learning to communicate and express is the bottom and foundation of all relationships effectively. Don't "come to the shelf" or "open the shelf" at every turn when you meet, the time you spend together is rare, and there is no need to waste precious time on consumption. If we really have an "opinion" with the other person, we can find a place to sit down, throw the question out, and talk openly and honestly. Many misunderstandings and misunderstandings in relationships are due to communication problems, and only by speaking openly and chatting openly will our relationship go further.
3.[Learn to "praise"]:Anyone likes to hear other people's compliments on themselves. If you have nothing to do, say to the other person, "You are beautiful today!" "It's handsome again! The other party's mood was immediately different. But this is not to ask you to express yourself "hypocritically", but to learn to see the good and bright spots of others, which is very important. Don't always see the "shortcomings" of others, everyone is not perfect, they will have shortcomings, if you "attack others" and "hurt others" because of shortcomings, no one in the world will be willing to accept this painful and uncomfortable relationship. As the saying goes: the lover's eye is out of the west. Although it has been a long time, maybe the passion of both sides will gradually fade. But this does not mean that we are destined to lose the feeling of "love". Try to give the other person some small surprises in life, it doesn't have to be material, and the other person will also be overjoyed because of your "care" and "care".
Have you ever "kidnapped" someone in the name of love? Let's talk about how to love each other with your heart and build a good intimate relationship with each other on the list of high-quality authors