Editor's Choice
A down-to-earth book of marriage and love, the emotion of the relationship between the sexes.
Gender relationship consulting expert, help thousands of troubled families out of marriage difficulties, classic gender marriage and love books, best-selling for 50 years, revealing the corners of the truth of marriage.
Teach you that marriage is not the final destination, but a happy marriage is the real goal. How can we love clearly, live easily, and grasp lifelong happiness.
Marriage is not about choosing the right person, but about making the other person the right person.
This book is practical for couples of any age, whether you have been married for many years or are about to enter the palace of marriage, this book will help you better improve the wisdom and ability to manage your marriage.
Introduction
Happy marriages are all similar, while unhappy marriages are unhappy in their own way. Of course, running a marriage is not easy, but marriage is not terrible. The savings to maintain a happy marriage come from the bits and pieces of daily life, a gentle love word, a light cup of hot tea, a knowing smile, a concession in a dispute, a hug ...... after the Cold WarIt will greatly improve the flexibility and quality of marriage, so that the flower of love will always bloom undefeated.
Indeed, the effective way to achieve a happy marriage is for both people to improve themselves, cultivate themselves, and improve themselves, only in this way will it be easy to get along, and only in this way will the marriage not constitute a constraint on both parties. In a happy marriage, there are some common rules to follow, and there are some successful experiences that are worth learning from. The difference between smart people and stupid people is that the former is good at learning and learning, while the latter must be frustrated before they can wake up.
About the Author
, born in Hamburg, Germany, is a major representative of the contemporary Western neo-psychoanalytic school along with Adler, Jung, Ranke, Fromm, etc. In 1912, Honey received her M.D. from the University of Berlin and studied with Freud's friend Karl Abraham. He immigrated to the United States in 1932 and founded the American Association for the Advancement of Psychoanalysis in 1941, and established the American Institute of Psychoanalysis as its director. Her ** has not received the attention it deserves because it was far ahead of her time, but since the reissue of Psychology of Women in 1967, Karen Honey has been recognized as the first great psychoanalytic feminist.
Table of Contents
01 What exactly is marriage.
The secret of growing old together.
What the Bible says about marriage.
Marriage - a gift from God.
A good marriage is about nurturing each other.
Marriage is an intimate relationship.
Marriage is a process of perfecting itself.
Marriage is no longer a matter of chance.
02 Is marriage a continuation or an end of love?
Let marriage win at the starting point.
Bread and love, what marriage needs.
How two people with very different personalities get along.
Let the friendship last forever.
Those beautiful marriage lies.
Who has the final say on your time.
03 Should a man wear a fur coat or a close-fitting padded jacket.
Women don't understand men, and men don't know themselves.
Why men are not willing to give.
Understanding the man's cave complex.
Read men's emotional codes.
Conquer the gentle sword in a man's heart.
Men are trying to hide something.
04 Exercises to find true love.
Understanding and respect are true love.
Love is giving, not taking.
Give and receive mature love.
Trust the other person's heart.
Look at each other truthfully and break the illusion.
The more fanatical the love, the more dangerous it is.
Refining our ability to love.
05 If there is a contradiction, is it a war of words or communication.
Today, did you "roar".
Why do couples quarrel.
Honey, have something to say.
Why do couples always use "coding" to communicate?
Warm moments and difficult quarrels.
The "pain" of double-sided tape
There should be just the two of you on the marriage bed.
06 The loneliness behind marriage.
The truth about "a husband and a wife".
When his work became her life.
Don't let your feelings age.
Create a relaxed family atmosphere.
Focus your marriage attention.
Face the call of passion.
Shared dreams are the preservative of marriage.
07 ** Secrets under the sheets.
Amazing performance energy.
The Pheromone Mystery: How Sexual Attraction Happens.
Sex for love, or love for sex.
Intimacy is more than just skin-to-skin.
* Attraction is the fulcrum that keeps the marriage alive.
"More is the real love of you."
08 Honey, should we go down together?
Why do we hurt the people we love the most.
Build a firewall for marriage.
Good communication is the bridge to happiness.
Don't let silence "ruin" your marriage.
Is it you who have changed, or who has changed?
Change isn't as hard as you think.
The truth behind a man's cheating.
What kind of change you can make.
09 The law of the heart to form a happy marriage.
Love yourself and be happy with whoever you marry.
It's not what he thinks that matters.
What you have, exactly what you expect.
Not everything will work your way.
The more optimistic, the happier.
Postscript. 
People who read a lot can have a lot of temperamentWonderful book excerptsFor many couples who enter the marriage hall, the idea that they can save their marriage if they learn to communicate more sensitively with their partner may be the most common misconception about a happy marriage, but it is not the only one. The study found that many of the myths about marriage are not only wrong, but also potentially damaging to marriage, as they can lead couples down the wrong or worse path, and even incredibly, can even convince both sexes that their marriage is hopeless. Don't believe it, the following things about marriage may be like this.
1.Emotional or personality problems can ruin a marriage. Wrong!
In the opinion of many people, people with anxiety disorders are not suitable for marriage, however, studies have shown that there is not much connection between ordinary neurosis and love failure. This is the reason why we all can't treat the problem completely rationally, but these problems will not necessarily interfere with the marriage, the key to a truly happy marriage is not that your other half must have a "normal" personality, but that such a other half is a person who is compatible with you.
For example, Jim is a man with an interest in power, so he is very tired of being controlled by him, and if he marries a domineering woman, the results will be disastrous; However, if he marries a gentle woman who never tries to dictate to men, then his marriage will surely be happy.
As another example, Beth has a deep-seated phobia of abandonment because her parents divorced when she was very young, but her husband Wayne loves her very much, but Wayne is a gentle and well-liked person, and he will not shy away from flirting with people at every party. When Beth complains about him, he tells how faithful he is to her and wants her to let herself enjoy this harmless pleasure, but the sensitive Beth still senses the threat from Wayne's flirtation, and she knows that Wayne will not stop, so they separate and eventually divorce. It can be seen that neurosis will not destroy the marriage, the key is how the parties deal with the problem. If you can tolerate each other's strange sides and handle them with care, love, and respect, your marriage won't hit the rocks.
2.Common interests bring you together. Wrong!
Whether common interests bring a man and a woman together in a marriage depends on how well they work together as they pursue each other. A couple who love kayaking is likely to have their kayak gliding smoothly on the water, laughing, talking, and paying attention to each other, and it can be said that their love of kayaking deepens their love and interest in each other.
The other couple, though they also enjoy kayaking, are not as respectful as the couple above, and when they play, they are either interrupted by "you idiot", "how do you use the hook stroke", or by the restless silence. From the couple's situation, it is difficult to know how to pursue common interests and hobbies that will bring the most benefits to the marriage.
3.Husbands and wives should reciprocate each other's kindness. Wrong!
Looking at happy marriages and failed marriages, we see the difference between happy marriages and unhappy marriages: spouses in happy marriages show favor to each other, that is, they return a smile with a smile and a kiss in return. The essence of this view is that there is an unwritten agreement between the spouses that can compensate either spouse for saying good things or doing good deeds.
However, in an unhappy marriage, life between husband and wife is full of anger and resentment. If couples in such a predicament are made aware that they also need to follow such "agreements", then the theory can be implemented and the interaction between husband and wife will be repaired.
In unhappy marriages, this kind of compensation does exist, and each spouse feels the need to keep an account to see who has done what for whom, whereas couples in happy marriages do not care that one person makes dinner and the other person has to wash the dishes as compensation, because they have faith in their spouse and their marriage. Think about it, if you find yourself struggling with some of your spouse's problems, it probably means that these are sensitive issues in your marriage.
4.Avoiding conflict can ruin your marriage. Wrong!
When it comes to marriage, many people will feel that seeking truth from facts should be a common attitude, but honesty is not good for all marriages, and many couples who have been happy all their lives often hide their problems.
In the case of Jean and Bonnie, whenever Jean annoys Bonnie, he will turn away and watch sports on his own, and if Bonnie is angry with Jean, she will go to the mall in a huff, and then the two of them will get back together and continue with their lives as if nothing had happened before. In more than 40 years of marriage, Jean and Bonnie have never sat down to discuss marriage seriously, but they will honestly tell you that they are happy with their married life, that they share the same values, that they love each other deeply, that they love fishing and traveling together, and that they want their children to be as happy as they are.
In fact, different couples have very different styles of conflict. Some couples avoid fighting at any cost, others often argue over trivial matters, and others are able to "discuss in detail" their differences and find a compromise without having to argue loudly. Of these different conflict styles, none is better than the other, and as long as that style works for two people, it's good. If either spouse wants to make the conflict clear, while the other only wants to see the end result, then they will only get into trouble.
5.Affaires are the root cause of divorce. Wrong!
Do you think that an affair is the root cause of divorce? Tell you, it's not. In fact, it is the problems in marriage that send the husband and wife to the track of divorce, making them look for intimacy outside of marriage. In most cases of extramarital affairs, we find that these extramarital dates are usually not about sex, but about seeking friendship, support, understanding, respect, attention, affection, and worry, which are what marriage is supposed to provide.
According to a survey on divorce, 80% of divorced men and women believe that their marriages are broken down because they are gradually estranged from each other, lose their sense of intimacy, or because they do not feel love and appreciation. However, among these respondents, only 20% and 27% of couples believe that extramarital affairs are partly responsible for the breakdown of their marriage.
6.Biologically, men are not "born" for marriage. Wrong!
Seeing this concept, it must be natural to conclude that an affair leads to divorce, that is, to believe that men are inherently sweet, therefore, monogamy is not for them, which is considered a law of the jungle, for the male species they always want to create as many offspring as possible, therefore, their loyalty to any mate is superficial. In the case of the female species, they have a huge responsibility to take care of their young children and to find single males who can provide a superior living environment for her and her children.
However, regardless of the laws of nature to which the species obeys, for humans, the occurrence of extramarital affairs does not depend on sex, but more on chance. Nowadays, as more women go out to work, the rate of extramarital affairs among women has skyrocketed. A survey in this area also shows that young women apparently have slightly more extramarital affairs than men since a large number of women went into the workforce.
7.Men and women come from different planets. Wrong!
If you open the best-selling books on marriage and love, you will always see some rash conclusions: the reason why men and women are difficult to get along with is because men are "from Mars" and women are "from Venus". However, successful marriages also involve situations where the spouse is an "alien". Gender differences may be related to marital problems, but they are not the root cause of these problems.
When it comes to sex, romance and passion in married life, whether the husband and wife are satisfied or not, for the wife, 70% depends on the quality of the couple's friendship; For the husband, the same 70% depends on the quality of the couple's friendship. It can be said that men and women are actually from the same planet.
In addition to these myths about marriage mentioned above, there are many that provide false information that will only frustrate couples who are desperately trying to make their marriage work. If there's one thing these myths suggest, it's that marriage is an extremely complex, stately institution that most of us don't do well enough. Therefore, it is all the more important for us to learn to use courage, determination and resilience to maintain the longevity of a relationship, and once you understand the truth, it will be much easier to save or defend your own marriage.
Preface Preamble
Happy marriages are all similar.
In the decades of my career, I have heard a lot about the conflict between husband and wife. However, how can two close people in the world be at odds? After all, when they first got married, both of them entered the marriage hall with a heart of eternal love. Of course, they must also hope that if this kind of mentality can last for ten, twenty, thirty years, it will be great, so that there will not be so many contradictions and problems.
Unfortunately, it often takes less than three or three years after marriage, or even just after the honeymoon, to hear a lot of complaints.
Marriage life moves forward with pain and struggle, and it has its own reasons. In fact, marriage is much more difficult and realistic to do than it sounds. With the tediousness of life's trivial matters, the lack of freshness and pressure from all sides, it will unconsciously consume your love, digest your passion, and gradually dim the color of marriage. Moreover, the rising divorce rate has long broken the myth of marriage.
As you have discovered, a happy marriage is never a perfect union. Although some couples say they are happy with each other, there are still significant differences in many aspects such as hobbies, temperaments, and family values. Like unhappy couples, they will argue over money, work, children, housework, and sexuality.
Over the past few decades, I have done marriage counseling for nearly a thousand couples with similar confusion. It's pretty much the same as what you've heard from any marriage guru about resolving conflict and facilitating communication, but when I honestly looked at the materials, I had to face the brutal fact that when couples are arguing, letting them handle their differences better may reduce their stress levels, but it often doesn't get them back to a good married life.
It is only after I have analyzed the interactions of these couples that the advice I give them becomes clear. So why do these marriages work? Are these couples calmer and smarter, or are they simply luckier than the others? What can they teach other couples?
First of all, we need to understand that marriage is not a business management between co-workers or co-owners, but a union of two brains, body, gender, soul, spirit, hope, dream, need, and different personalities. It is only when each other in marriage appreciates this distinction with reverence that they can each enjoy life to the fullest and love with all their hearts.
Secondly, we also need to understand why people rush to treat their partners as enemies after getting married, and don't they see each other as a panacea for all the unsatisfactory things in their lives? The answer lies in this question. Once people get married, they have a romantic, albeit somewhat naïve, immature, and even desperate idea in their hearts that their union fills the void in their soul and psyche. However, when the real married life begins, as the relationship gradually deepens, it is necessary to repeatedly consider various issues, whether it is a man to a woman, or a woman to a man. For example: "How much money does this person have?" "What about academic qualifications?" "Is the status high? "How's it going?" As a result, as expectations disintegrate, problems and contradictions gradually arise. We should know that happiness does not come on its own with the advent of marriage. We should not only think that our expectations have been disappointed, but also understand that the other person will also expect from us. Think of it this way, and the problem is easily solved.
Of course, running a marriage is not easy, but marriage is not terrible. The savings to maintain a happy marriage come from the bits and pieces of daily life, a gentle love word, a light cup of hot tea, a knowing smile, a concession in a dispute, a hug ...... after the Cold WarIt will greatly improve the flexibility and quality of marriage, so that the flower of love will always bloom undefeated.
Indeed, the most effective way to achieve a happy marriage is for both people to improve themselves, cultivate themselves, and improve themselves, only in this way will it be easy to get along, and only in this way will the marriage not constitute a constraint on both parties.
Flipping through this book, there is reason to believe that no matter what your current relationship with your partner is, following the advice presented here will always attract attention and be a positive change. And we have reason to believe that this secret that once made a successful marriage is about to be enjoyed by all couples.