Reading guide:I was admitted to the hospital again less than half a year after the heart surgery, and like last time, even if I did all the tests of the urinary system and kidneys, I still couldn't find any**. My blood in the urine is getting worse and worse, my body is getting more and more anemic, and my mood is getting more and more anxious, and I can still lie in the hospital bed. Like a question with no answer, I have to go to the doctor's office every day to ask what the results of today's examination were. During the hospitalization, my condition kept recurring, and then my mood was close to breaking down several times. I keep setting myself up so that when I drink more water and don't see too much blood, I feel at ease.
* Self-network. 
I was admitted to the hospital again less than half a year after the heart surgery, and like last time, even if I did all the tests of the urinary system and kidneys, I still couldn't find any**. My blood in the urine is getting worse and worse, my body is getting more and more anemic, and my mood is getting more and more anxious, and I can still lie in the hospital bed. Like a question with no answer, I have to go to the doctor's office every day to ask what the results of today's examination were. During the hospitalization, my condition kept recurring, and then my mood was close to breaking down several times.
I kept setting myself up that when I drank plenty of water and didn't see too much blood, I felt at ease, and when I saw the terrible number of blood loss on the test report, I was extremely sad and shed tears. There were even a few times when I thought: just give up, go home, I won't do it! Then, you will find that these thoughts are negative and emotional, and then tell yourself that you should accept the reality of being sick now. Life is inherently impermanent, and impermanence means that it does not develop according to one's wishful thinking, and is sudden and unpredictable. Whether I accept it in my heart or not will not change the facts, only by accepting it with a normal heart will I get inner peace. If the heart refuses to accept impermanence, it will only produce self-antagonism, resistance, and all kinds of bad associations, thinking about death, thinking about why I am suffering this sin? Let the already crushing heart produce resentment, disobedience, negativity and other pains.
My thoughts kept stretching, and the mental pressure was getting bigger and bigger, and the pain was getting more and more painful. Every time I cry out of an emotional breakdown, I see that I am directing a play. Impermanence is the truth, you can't change it if you want to or not, and all I can do is to face it and accept it.
Fortunately, one year of Dharma study has given me the power of impermanence and selflessness in my mind, alleviated the breeding of mental troubles, and let me know that life is dependent and I can have the opportunity to work hard for my own life. Illness is an adversity, and an unanswered illness like mine is even more of a great adversity, but I hope that this sin will not be in vain. The body is like a world, you can appreciate the beauty of sunny days, but also be able to accept heavy rain and gloomy weather; As much as my heart is bigger, it can hold as much as it can contain, and how much pain it will receive.
I'm so thankful that I have so many people in my life who love me! Our class *** treated me like a baby and gave me care and help. Compared with the unpredictability of the future illness, I prefer to appreciate the beauty in every heart and mind at the moment.