A sense of boundary, simply put, means that a person is responsible for his or her own needs, words, actions, thoughts and emotions, does not get overly involved in the lives of others, and at the same time is able to express opposition to others when they cross the line and maintain their own autonomy.
Spatial boundaries include the need for personal space and the requirements for physical distancing. For example, in family life, you don't want others to enter your room without consent, at work you don't want others to look through your drawers at will, in social life, you don't want others to touch your arm, etc. When the boundaries of space are broken, you feel uncomfortable when you feel violated.
Bodily boundary perception refers to an individual's ability to perceive and maintain the privacy of their own body. Everyone has their own physical boundaries that even the closest people can't violate at will. For example, you can't touch your body, and you can't touch someone's body. Protecting one's physical boundaries is not only an ability to protect oneself, but also a sign of respect for others.
Material boundaries refer to personal items or property, such as houses, furniture, clothes, cars, cameras, money, etc., that can or cannot be shared, and how they are expected to be used by the other person after sharing. For example, in family life, you don't want to lend your clothes to relatives, for example, when a colleague at work refuses to borrow money privately, for example, in social life, you lend your camera to a good friend to take pictures, for example, you are willing to lend your car to a friend in need, but ask the other party to drive to avoid potholes and pay for gas when passing by a gas station, etc.
Emotional boundary perception is an individual's ability to perceive and maintain the privacy of their emotions. Everyone's heart is like a small balloon, which can be adjusted to properly receive external emotions, but when it receives too much, it will swell uncomfortably, and even occur. Emotional boundaries refer to the ability to recognize how much of an external emotion one is able to absorb, and when it is appropriate or inappropriate to share one's internal emotions. For example, when you feel extremely low, you don't communicate with others about emotional events for the time being; For example, when you are in trouble and someone else is in a difficult moment and wants to talk to you, show understanding to the other party and say that it is not appropriate at the moment, and make an appointment to communicate later. For example, rejecting other people's negative emotions "dumping"; For example, when a friend feels very sad, you can understand and support it, but you don't have to feel guilty or responsible.
The sense of thought boundary refers to an individual's ability to perceive and maintain the privacy of his or her thoughts. Everyone has their own boundaries of thought, and even the closest ones cannot be violated at will. For example, others cannot interfere with your thoughts and beliefs, and you cannot interfere with other people's thoughts and beliefs. Protecting one's own ideological boundaries is not only an ability to protect oneself, but also a manifestation of respect for others.
A sense of personal boundaries is very important for the maintenance of interpersonal relationships. If you don't have a sense of boundaries, you can't protect your privacy and are vulnerable to being violated and hurt by others. At the same time, if we do not respect the boundaries of others, it is easy to destroy interpersonal relationships and cause unnecessary contradictions and conflicts.
Establish a sense of boundaries.
Know your bottom line.
If you don't know that your bottom line is in the **, you can't reasonably set boundaries in your interactions with others. So, the first thing to do is to define the physical, emotional, psychological, and spiritual limits.
Recognize the signals that borders are being violated.
Psychologist Ginta found that if you feel discomfort and resentment, these two feelings change continuously, you can imagine in your mind that you can measure your degree of discomfort and dissatisfaction, from 1 to 10, with 6-10 indicating a higher degree of feeling this emotion. Discomfort is easy to understand, but in a nutshell, "resentment" (resentment): this kind of resentment usually occurs when "the other person suppresses you, takes advantage of you, or makes you feel unappreciated and disrespected" or "the other person ignores your feelings and tries to instill in you his thoughts, expectations, etc." This panicked dissatisfaction is a clear signal that the other person is challenging your boundaries and violating your boundaries. But in order to maintain a certain character image and unwarranted guilt (e.g. I have to be a good daughter, a good wife, a good mother), you put up with it. If you want to be a principled person with boundaries, you have to be wary of these times. If you feel uncomfortable and dissatisfied with someone or in a situation where you feel more than 6 points, ask yourself: What is causing me to feel so bad? What went wrong with my interaction with him? Did he expect unrealistically from me?
Say it directly.
With some people, you don't need to be straightforward if you want to keep the boundaries. These people who feel more comfortable and compatible with each other and don't need to "tear their faces" are generally people who are more similar to you, whether it is the form and style, the way of communication, or even the living environment; In the same way, they will feel more comfortable with you. On the contrary, if you meet people who are completely different from your life philosophy, style of acting and living environment, many times, you have to clearly and directly express your boundaries.
Give yourself permission to say "no".
Fear, guilt, and self-doubt" are the culprits behind the blurred sense of boundaries. Many times we don't dare to say no because we are afraid of seeing the other person's reaction after rejection. Many times, not refusing is not because of kindness, but because of cowardice. It is better to agree first and then delay, than to directly say that there will be no unhappiness and even conflict with the other party. Rejecting a loved one is something we don't want to see, such as saying to our parents, "It's my business to get married or not, you don't care about me", we will feel more or less guilty of hurting the loved one, even though their expectations of you are not reasonable. Many people agreed, thinking that they had an obligation to meet the expectations of the other party, such as "all kindness and filial piety first", and wanted to play the role of a good son and daughter; Another example is the unconditional connivance of the wife's vexatiousness, the tolerance of the husband's mental violence again and again, although facing them makes you feel very depressed, controlled, panicked, very dissatisfied, and very uncomfortable, but it is more difficult to say a "no" word than to endure these. In fact, this is because you did not draw a clear boundary with them at the beginning, and your consistent tolerance will make them feel that you are a person without a bottom line and principles. The longer you endure, the more blurred the boundaries become, the harder it is to change, and the more unscrupulous others will violate. Moreover, the control from those close to them, often under the banner of love, is the most terrible. In the long run, this unbalanced relationship can be painful for both parties. Therefore, in order to change this situation and establish a healthy boundary relationship, we must first learn to respect our own values, including dignity, time, and energy. Break this vicious circle and show the bottom line with a resolute attitude. Give yourself the power and courage to say no first, and say it for the first time no matter how difficult it is.
Practice small.
Maybe you are used to being a bad person, and in all aspects of life, it is too much pressure to make such changes in the face of relatives, friends, and colleagues. Don't worry, in the process of establishing boundaries, it is very likely that some people will be offended because they do not express their experience and handle it well, so it is very important to start small and start gradually. Start with a small boundary relationship that you don't feel is causing a lot of damage, and then gradually use the acquired skills to more challenging places.