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Hello everyone: Welcome to the 100% funny joke collection to make you (high) laugh for a day!
no.1
In the past ten years, the newspaper at the newsstand has risen from five cents to one, the barbed tendons at the barbecue stall have risen from eight to two, the roadside ramen restaurant has risen from two to eight, and the barber shop downstairs has risen from three to twenty.
Only the grocery store in the alley opposite, loyal and unswerving, has never changed, and there are still a few clear big words printed on the façade: "Clearance and sweeping, the last three days"; The tape recorder is still **: "Two pieces, two pieces, the whole audience is two." ”
What's changing around you? 」
no.2
Once I had dinner with a buddy in a restaurant, the boss sent a plate of soybeans, and so on, during the serving, the buddy kept eating, and suddenly choked, he pulled his throat and coughed hard, and the edamame flew out of his mouth, just hitting the face of a young man at the adjacent table, the young man was stunned for a while, looked left and right, and said with a blinded face: "Damn, which pea shooter is this." ”
At that time, I sat on the seat and couldn't help laughing, my second buddy was still calmly sipping soybeans!
no.3
My husband and I have been married for less than two years, and I find him extremely lazy, and he always has a lot of reasons and excuses.
On this day, I said to him angrily, "I usually tell you to wash your hair often, and look at your dandruff!" It's almost falling into the dish. ”
He actually replied: "You know Mao, this is the ashes of the flame of wisdom." ”
This is the ashes of the burning flame of wisdomOops, my mother, I'm laughing to death! 」
no.4
Once with the old man to assemble the cabinet just bought, there is a kind of screw as long as the hammer gently smashed into it, the old man is strong, the palm of the hand will go in, I am afraid of the pain to use the hammer, the old man made fun of me: "You still use the hammer, I can do it with my hands." ”
I was in a twitch and said disdainfully, "The biggest difference between humans and animals is that humans can use tools ......."”
Before I could finish speaking, I realized something was wrong and quickly covered my damn foul mouth ...... with my hand
You kid dare to scold my father-in-law! 」
Since then, every time I go to my father-in-law's house, he will never treat me with as much wine and meat as usual!
no.5
Chinese New Year's Eve, my husband hung New Year's paintings.
After he hung the first one, he asked his daughter to see from behind that the second one was level with the first. In order to please auspiciousness, the husband told his daughter: "If I am high, you will say that you are rich, and if I am low, you will say that you are healthy." ”
When her husband hung up the painting, her daughter looked the same left and right, so she said to her husband, "Dad, it's not rich, and it's not healthy." ”
My mom, I almost didn't faint laughing at the time!」
As a result, in the second year, business was not good, and the family was always sick, so it seemed that some words were still a bit mysterious.
no.6
The leather shoes were broken, and they were reluctant to throw them away, so they took them for repair.
I picked up my shoes and asked, "Master, how much does it cost to repair these shoes?"
The master replied, "Eight yuan." “
I asked again, "Isn't it usually 4 pieces?"“
The master explained: "Well, yes, an additional 1 yuan for the mask will be charged today. “
My face was full of doubts: "There is no epidemic now, and there is still a mask fee?".“
The master responded: "No, no, no, you think too much, it has nothing to do with the epidemic, and if you don't wear a mask, I can't help you repair this shoe." The smell is too big!“
It embarrassed me at the time, and I really wanted to find a crack in the ground to get into
no.7
The family was watching TV, and suddenly the power went out, and I said to my son, "Son, you go to the neighbor's house to borrow some candles, do you know what to say?"As I spoke, I turned on the flashlight function of my mobile phone and turned it on for my son.
After a while, my son came back and said to me, "Dad, there's no one in the neighborhood." “
I just heard my neighbor still talking and laughing at TV, so I asked my son, "Did you knock on the door?"“
The son actually said, "No, but the neighbor's house didn't turn on the lights." “
At that time, my wife and I laughed so badly!
no.8
My husband usually never drinks under my teaching, but on the night of New Year's Day, my husband came back late when he was drunk, and he walked staggeringly, smelling of alcohol, and I was angry when I saw it. However, being angry is angry, thinking that it is better to cook him some porridge or something like that to warm his stomach. Just after boiling the bowl and about to serve it, my husband seemed to have woken up, fell from the sofa and fell to the ground, kneeling and shouting while crawling: "Daughter-in-law, I know it's wrong, I don't dare anymore, don't be ** husband, one day husband and wife hundred days, you spare me!".”
At that time, I laughed so much that I couldn't breathe, and I dared to love this husband who regarded himself as a martial artist.
Oops, my mother, I'm laughing to death! 」
no.9
My husband bought me a new mobile phone after paying my salary, which has a face unlock function, and I don't want what I like.
After getting up this morning, I don't know what's going on, I can't unlock the lock no matter how I brush it, so I called him: "Husband, my phone seems to be broken, and I can't unlock it by brushing my face." ”
My husband was playing a game at the time, and without even raising his head, he asked me, "Oh, it's okay, you can go and put on makeup and you can untie it." ”
Ah, this husband of the second goods, if the law doesn't care, I really want to kill him!
no.10
I've been with my girlfriend for half a year, and I haven't mustered up the courage to propose.
Just today's New Year's Eve, I also thought of a trick to propose, just when my girlfriend went downstairs to get takeout, I quickly ran to the next door, knocked on the door and said to the eldest brother: "Big brother, can you first change your wifi password to: 'Promise him', I am going to propose to my girlfriend today, I have changed my own wifi name to "marry me", so that when my girlfriend comes back to reconnect, you will see the wifi name called: "Marry me - promise him". ”
The eldest brother was touched by me at that time, and immediately agreed, and I hurried home again, sitting casually.
My girlfriend came back with takeout, and found that the wifi had not been automatically connected, and it was automatically connected before, so she came over and asked me if I had changed the password, and handed me the phone and asked me what this meant:
Yes! At that time, I was confused, didn't the eldest brother next door promise me, but he changed his wife's name to 'don't promise him'. I was so angry that I wanted to go over and scold him. Whining!
---end---This article is a plain text funny paragraph, only for entertainment, if there is bad guidance, please understand!
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